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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201
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OP
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201 |
Hey Guys, Did some rewrite on this tune. Followed some suggestions from an earlier post. I look forward to your comments and further critique. I will say that I'm now not happy with the bridge and working it out. Chap. No Room Left For Me - On my personal server @320K @8.7Mb On ReverbNation @ 256K No Room Left For Me 05-26-2013 - CAPO 1 in Am (for those interested, I'm tuned down a full step and capo'd up one) Didn't see the storm clouds rollin' in Til they burst open All I carried inside my heart Was either soakin' wet or broken I concede the mistakes I have made She knew me better Question's race inside my head I never got the chance to ask her Rain crow sings a mournful melody Written in a note by one who said she'd never leave No room left for trying, no room to be free She left no room to doubt She left no room for me [BREAK - INTRO REPEAT] Packed my thoughts and hit the road Didn't know where I was headin' Seemed like every turn I made Turned into a dead end Caught a glimpse of raven hair In the rear view mirror By the time the red light changed She was gone forever [CHORUS] [BREAK - INTRO REPEAT] [BRIDGE] I've fallen to the bottom several times before To my best recollection it's the devils door [BREAK - INTRO REPEAT] [CHORUS] *** Thanks!
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 630
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As Paul Simon said, "you don't write songs; you rewrite them." IMO: Nice melody. Really like the chorus. Although, I would probably go with "she left no room for doubt" because that's a better known phrase.
It may be easier to sing "All I carried in my heart" instead of "All I carried inside my heart."
Same with the line "I concede the mistakes I have made" it could sing easier without the "have ".
Overall, it's really nice and haunting. I think you're right about the bridge. It's a bit independent from the verses. If you can harken it back to rain crows or the weather or the road ahead... it should tie the song up in a nice bow.
But again, nicely put together.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201 |
Thank you Dave! Your suggestions have helped the ease of phrasing/singing. I struggle with that bridge but I think it needs one. Here's what I come up with earlier today .... C.................G.......F...................Am I gave her all my heart, she broke it all to hell G..............................................Am Passion in the night doesn't hear the weather bell Thought about using "heed" rather than "hear" ... ?? Going to try it on for size. Chap
Last edited by chapman; 06/10/13 05:25 PM.
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 14
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 14 |
As a poorly self taught guitarist, I love the playing on this! It is a really relaxing listen - melodic and rhythmic. And the words resonate with me too. I'm not a pro, just an absolute beginner, so I can't give you any real helpful critique, other than to say I enjoyed it very much.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201
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OP
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201 |
Thank you Steve, very kindly. Glad you enjoyed it. Chap
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,559
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Posts: 1,559 |
Hey Chapman,
Beautiful playing and I love the tone you are getting from that acoustic. Wonderful relaxing tune ... very easy on the ears. Nice vocal, as well. All around good write. Very nice job.
Dave
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 630
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I think you're on the right track on the bridge. Although, after more thought, I'm thinking the last line of the bridge might sound good if the second line ended with "no room left for..."
I left the last word open. It would be "me" to complete the mournfulness of the song or "her" to realize you're going to get over her.
One more word consideration. Think about making it "packed up my heart" because its a stronger image.
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 310
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About once a month I push west on I-68, past the motorlodges and chew-and-chokes outside Cumberland, on through the Appalacians. I usually leave around 9 p.m., putting me in the mountains sometime after midnight. Add a little rain and fog and it's one of the most eerie places you can be on the road. Your song reminded me of those trips.
73's & 88's Good Buddy! Chris Bohlman
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,985 Likes: 22
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,985 Likes: 22 |
Chapman,
What a beautiful song. I really liked this a lot--great production & performance man! I'll let you and others pic at the lyrics, I think they're very good--but little tweaks can be very cool when they improve specifics and allow for better vocal delivery, but that's just polish at this point. Super write!
steady-eddie.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201 |
David, Thanks a ton for your insight. You have helped clear the fog and force me to step outside the box. Have made several more changes and it sounds much btter and and tied things together. Re-recording this week. Chris .... been a while since hearing OTR lingo. I've seen many a mile in the Appalachians. Was just down Old Rt 25 through KY and TN and into I-40 and I-26 in NC. I love the mountains. I might cuss the roads a bit but it is breathtaking scenery. Appreciate your having a listen. Eddie-mon.... thank you very much for your compliments. Glad you enjoyed the tune. Chap
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 763
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Wow Chap/ I was HOOKED from the outset on this one. everything about it kept me listening. very very nice ...Doug
PS are you singing and playing this at the same time? It sounds like you are. great job!
Learn all the musical rules inside and out- Then break 'em... Grace..Peace...Love
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201
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OP
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Posts: 201 |
Hi Doug, Thanks you for those kind words. Yes, I am indeed playing at the same time. Unusual as multi-tasking is not my strong suit. Chap
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Joined: Apr 2012
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Hey chap... I thought so..the only reason I had any idea that was happening was some slight timing issues in the vocal phrasing... If you re do these two elements separately (guitar and vocal) it would bounce the tune up another notch ... Though it is absolutely wonderful the way it is. Doug
Learn all the musical rules inside and out- Then break 'em... Grace..Peace...Love
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201
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OP
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Roger that Doug
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 238
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Hi Chapman,
Very nice job on this one. I love the feeling in your vocals and the guitar is great!!
Best Days, Bryan
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
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Hi Chapman,
Wow -- this is melancholy, beautiful and lovely!
Lisa
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 9,003 Likes: 1
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Joined: Sep 2009
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Chapman--
This is a top shelf song--I can hear magic woven through the story, as the melody leads us on, watching the video with our eyes closed to the final note--THIS ONE HAS MY VOTE!
GOOD LUCK--
Mackie
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,857 Likes: 1
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Top 10 Poster
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Hi, W O W, this is a beautiful piece of work, I love the feel of it all. especially this.... Rain crow sings a mournful melody Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201
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OP
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 201 |
Lisa, Mackie & Calvin.... Thank you very much for your compliments. You guys are all inspirations!!! I'm pretty sure I have a final rewrite and will be re-recording this weekend. I'll send up the final. Chap....
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
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this is top notch Chap!i really enjoyed it.Mike
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Joined: May 2002
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Appreciate that Mike-mon! Chap
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