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chapman Offline OP
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Hey Guys,

Did some rewrite on this tune. Followed some suggestions from an earlier post. I look forward to your comments and further critique. I will say that I'm now not happy with the bridge and working it out.

Chap. smile

No Room Left For Me - On my personal server @320K @8.7Mb

On ReverbNation @ 256K

No Room Left For Me 05-26-2013 - CAPO 1 in Am
(for those interested, I'm tuned down a full step and capo'd up one)

Didn't see the storm clouds rollin' in
Til they burst open
All I carried inside my heart
Was either soakin' wet or broken

I concede the mistakes I have made
She knew me better
Question's race inside my head
I never got the chance to ask her


Rain crow sings a mournful melody
Written in a note by one who said she'd never leave
No room left for trying, no room to be free
She left no room to doubt
She left no room for me

[BREAK - INTRO REPEAT]

Packed my thoughts and hit the road
Didn't know where I was headin'
Seemed like every turn I made
Turned into a dead end

Caught a glimpse of raven hair
In the rear view mirror
By the time the red light changed
She was gone forever

[CHORUS]

[BREAK - INTRO REPEAT]

[BRIDGE]
I've fallen to the bottom several times before
To my best recollection it's the devils door

[BREAK - INTRO REPEAT]

[CHORUS]



***
Thanks!


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As Paul Simon said, "you don't write songs; you rewrite them."
IMO:
Nice melody. Really like the chorus. Although, I would probably go with "she left no room for doubt" because that's a better known phrase.

It may be easier to sing "All I carried in my heart" instead of "All I carried inside my heart."

Same with the line "I concede the mistakes I have made" it could sing easier without the "have ".

Overall, it's really nice and haunting.
I think you're right about the bridge. It's a bit independent from the verses. If you can harken it back to rain crows or the weather or the road ahead... it should tie the song up in a nice bow.

But again, nicely put together.

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chapman Offline OP
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Thank you Dave!

Your suggestions have helped the ease of phrasing/singing. I struggle with that bridge but I think it needs one. Here's what I come up with earlier today ....

C.................G.......F...................Am
I gave her all my heart, she broke it all to hell
G..............................................Am
Passion in the night doesn't hear the weather bell

Thought about using "heed" rather than "hear" ... ??


Going to try it on for size. smile

Chap

Last edited by chapman; 06/10/13 05:25 PM.

Chapman Jones
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As a poorly self taught guitarist, I love the playing on this! It is a really relaxing listen - melodic and rhythmic. And the words resonate with me too.
I'm not a pro, just an absolute beginner, so I can't give you any real helpful critique, other than to say I enjoyed it very much.

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chapman Offline OP
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Thank you Steve, very kindly. Glad you enjoyed it. smile

Chap


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Hey Chapman,

Beautiful playing and I love the tone you are getting from that acoustic. Wonderful relaxing tune ... very easy on the ears. Nice vocal, as well. All around good write. Very nice job.

Dave

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I think you're on the right track on the bridge. Although, after more thought, I'm thinking the last line of the bridge might sound good if the second line ended with "no room left for..."

I left the last word open. It would be "me" to complete the mournfulness of the song or "her" to realize you're going to get over her.

One more word consideration. Think about making it "packed up my heart" because its a stronger image.

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About once a month I push west on I-68, past the motorlodges and chew-and-chokes outside Cumberland, on through the Appalacians. I usually leave around 9 p.m., putting me in the mountains sometime after midnight. Add a little rain and fog and it's one of the most eerie places you can be on the road. Your song reminded me of those trips.


73's & 88's Good Buddy!
Chris Bohlman
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Chapman,

What a beautiful song. I really liked this a lot--great production & performance man! I'll let you and others pic at the lyrics, I think they're very good--but little tweaks can be very cool when they improve specifics and allow for better vocal delivery, but that's just polish at this point. Super write!

steady-eddie.

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chapman Offline OP
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David,

Thanks a ton for your insight. You have helped clear the fog and force me to step outside the box. Have made several more changes and it sounds much btter and and tied things together. Re-recording this week.

Chris .... been a while since hearing OTR lingo. smile I've seen many a mile in the Appalachians. Was just down Old Rt 25 through KY and TN and into I-40 and I-26 in NC. I love the mountains. I might cuss the roads a bit but it is breathtaking scenery. Appreciate your having a listen.

Eddie-mon.... thank you very much for your compliments. Glad you enjoyed the tune. smile

Chap


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Wow Chap/ I was HOOKED from the outset on this one. everything about it kept me listening. very very nice ...Doug

PS are you singing and playing this at the same time? It sounds like you are. great job!


Learn all the musical rules inside and out- Then break 'em...
Grace..Peace...Love

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chapman Offline OP
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Hi Doug,

Thanks you for those kind words. Yes, I am indeed playing at the same time. smile Unusual as multi-tasking is not my strong suit. smile

Chap


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Hey chap... I thought so..the only reason I had any idea that was happening was some slight timing issues in the vocal phrasing... If you re do these two elements separately (guitar and vocal) it would bounce the tune up another notch ... Though it is absolutely wonderful the way it is.
Doug


Learn all the musical rules inside and out- Then break 'em...
Grace..Peace...Love

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chapman Offline OP
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Roger that Doug smile


Chapman Jones
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Hi Chapman,

Very nice job on this one. I love the feeling in your vocals and the guitar is great!!

Best Days,
Bryan

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chapman Offline OP
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Thank you Bryan!


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Hi Chapman,

Wow -- this is melancholy, beautiful and lovely!

Lisa

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Chapman--

This is a top shelf song--I can hear magic woven through the story, as the melody leads us on, watching the video with our eyes closed to the final note--THIS ONE HAS MY VOTE!

GOOD LUCK--

Mackie

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Hi,

W O W, this is a beautiful piece of work, I love the feel of it all.

especially this....

Rain crow sings a mournful melody


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart



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chapman Offline OP
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Lisa, Mackie & Calvin....

Thank you very much for your compliments. You guys are all inspirations!!!

I'm pretty sure I have a final rewrite and will be re-recording this weekend. I'll send up the final. smile

Chap....


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this is top notch Chap!i really enjoyed it.Mike

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chapman Offline OP
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Appreciate that Mike-mon! smile

Chap


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