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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Apr 2008
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Hey there JPFers everywhere! I'd appreciate a listen and commentary, mainly regarding whether I'm telling a coherent and interesting story and if there is prosody with the music. Also, if you're inclined to share, how would you produce it? Thanks, Ricki http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13016930STALE CIGARETTES Stale cigarettes, cheap motel rooms Endless schemes, payoff soon Lure of danger for your old man Twist in the gut, does the best he can When you’re forced to consider Who are you What’s a child to do When you face that mirror Looking back at you His eyes fierce and blue Deal gone wrong, glint of steel His white shirt red, the blood is real Ringing ears, weight of the gun Stick to the plan, take the cash and run REPEAT CHORUS All your life you’ve had to fight Now you dream for room to breathe REPEAT CHORUS Life starts now for Daddy’s girl Follow him or change your world Long road ahead, things to forget Like the smell of his stale cigarettes Stale cigarettes Stale cigarettes Stale cigarettes Stale cigarettes ©Ricki E. Bellos (BMI)
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Hi Ricki.
Sounds about right to me with that melody.
A couple of rushed lines there. Most noticeable was "take the cash and run"
Could maybe shorten to "grab and run" or "cut and run".
I would also limit some of the harmonies to give more impact.
Sounds like it could do with a treatment like Peggy Lee's "Fever" with the snapping fingers and acoustic bass.
Vic
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a good story,sounds like the old bait and roll 'em plan,poor guys.I also like the melody.Mike
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Hi Ricki, Your vocals are pleasant as usual ! I like the melody too. Vic's ideas of a FEVER treatment would be cool, that would be right up your alley. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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It took a couple of reads to get the story, but that's just my old mind. I like the presentation and Vic may be on to something with the Fever treatment, but I'd leave out the snapping fingers and go with the bass. I like the change in the bridge. Well done.
Rick
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Thanks for listening Vic, and the suggestions. Mike, glad you understood the story, as some have not. Calvin, I'm not sure that sultry would work here but you just never know. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Rick. Maybe bass rather than finger snaps would be more suitable.  Thanks Guys, Ricki
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Ricki,
That's quit a story told in few words, a gift I sometimes wish I had!
The music fits the mood and the feel of this one!
I'm no musician, but I'd go with the bass!
Geneva
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Thanks Geneva. I can get pretty wordy but sometimes, less is more. Yeah, I think it'll be bass.
Ricki
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Ricki,
I REALLY like this!!!!
It's a bit cryptic at first, but as it develops, that doesn't really matter... (sort of becomes a good thing).
You did a great job of getting this across as just a guitar/vocal. It's a terrific listen.
There are a lot of different ways to go for production...and I think any of them could produce great results. I think this song could be successful more than once - using different productions.
I don't generally reference my own work in other people's threads, but if you can find them, a production similar to (my posts) "In The City" (jazz bass, drums and sax) OR one similar "Diamonds" (B3 organ, sax, "Sting-like" treatment). But I can hear an Elvis Costello type production working, too...So many possibilities.. Rickie Lee Jones?
Man! I like this!....
floyd
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Hi Ricki,
COOL song -- the story and the way you told it sucked me right in!
Your vocal sounds great!
Lisa
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It's a Tom Waits/Rickie Lee Jones song at its core. I would look at that "genre" when you consider the arrangement possibilities.
really good writing, paints a real picture.
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Hi Floyd, For the first time since I've been here, I figured out the JPF Search function and checked out your songs. I must have been absent on those days! But I agree, a groove like either of those songs would be awesome, definitely to be considered. Thanks for the high praise and glad you liked it. Ricki
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Thanks Lisa, glad you enjoyed it.
Ricki
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Thanks Kevin, I appreciate the comments. Whatever else happens to this song, I suspect it'll have a minimalist feel.
Ricki
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Cool song. Like many of the others I wanted to hear a walking bass and maybe some jazz brushes. It’s one of those songs that could be produced a number of ways. The harmonies were fine but IMO didn’t add to the song, to Vics’ comment maybe less would be better.
Cool song and a cool vibe.
Iggy (the original)
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Cool! Thanks Iggy for listening, suggestions and comments.
Ricki
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Hey Ricki.
A very cool, a bit deep song. Definitely a neat vibe and melody. Reminds of something, but I can't place it. Great voice for this type of song as well--nice interesting pensive write.
steady-eddie.
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Thanks for weighing in, Eddie and glad you like it. I don't know that it's particularly deep, maybe just a function of too much late night TV. Ricki
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All they said and....
Very, very cool. We hear a sax and acoustic bass treatment.
Enormous potential ready to bust out. Great idea with
the rhythmic treatment.
Engaging comes to mind.
Enjoyed it.
J&B
Check out our new album Janice Merritt "Am I Blue Enough?"
on Spotify, Apple Music, Pandora, Amazon and others.
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Engaged? Whaaaat? I'm married! Hey, J & B, thanks for listening and letting me know you enjoyed it.
Ricki
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I liked this song alot. The melody was nice, changes interesting and vocals lovely...innocent in a way, which was a contrast to the lyrics.
Unlike some I like the under-produced folksy sound of this and I liked the harmony. There is a kind of awkwardness this song has that I find engaging.
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Hi James. I don't think we've met. Welcome to JPF and thanks for listening. The awkwardness in this song is just the real me coming through. I'm glad you liked it anyway! Ricki
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I really like the song.....harmonies are awesome!
Some of the lines are sung in a rushed manner...but, that's something the singer can manage. In other words, I don't believe the writing or phrasing is flawed.
I dig the song, guys.....good luck with this.
I'll bet you had some fun recording this....like I said earlier, love the harmony.
-Tom
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Hi Tom, Thanks for stopping in for a listen and I'm glad you like it. For me, something really bad happens when the red light starts flashing so I have a lot more fun writing than recording. Ricki
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can't listen, soundclick and my phone don't get along.....but yes, lyrically I get it, in fact I'm quite familiar with that scenario, I've seen that kind of thing (minus the gun play). Then there's the fact my mother smoked for years (as do I) and the smell of it on clothing still seems like home to me. anyway, lyrically I can read how it would work, but again...can't hear it. 
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Hey Mac, thanks for at least giving this one a good read! Ricki
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Hey there JPFers everywhere! I'd appreciate a listen and commentary, mainly regarding whether I'm telling a coherent and interesting story and if there is prosody with the music. Also, if you're inclined to share, how would you produce it? Thanks, Ricki http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13016930STALE CIGARETTES Stale cigarettes, cheap motel rooms Endless schemes, payoff soon- for some reason I feel payDAY soon may sing easier, smoother. it can mean two things, he will get paid and paying for his crimes too. just a suggestion:)Lure of danger for your old man Twist in the gut, does the best he can- t his line I am not getting the meaning quite as much as the rest of the story, by twist in the gut does it mean he does not like what he is doing so his stomach hurts from the indecision and guilt? This line also sounded like it might be one syllable too many. Maybe- punch to the gut or punch to his gut, and on does the best he can-leaves off the the? When you’re forced to consider Who are you What’s a child to do When you face that mirror Looking back at you His eyes fierce and blue Deal gone wrong, glint of steel His white shirt red, the blood is real Ringing ears, weight of the gun Stick to the plan, take the cash and run= grab cash and run or take cash and run, leaving off the THE may be smoother though I like take the cash this line seems a syllable long, in the sound. REPEAT CHORUS All your life you’ve had to fight Now you dream for room to breathe REPEAT CHORUS Life starts now for Daddy’s girl- why now? just asking some of the hard questions. I thought it was due to him dying but he is not dead...because of line belowFollow him or change your world- how can she follow him isn't he dead? Long road ahead, things to forget Like the smell of his stale cigarettes- I would love to hear here where when she thinks of the last time she hugged the man, the thing she remembers most is the smell of stale cigarettes. Stale cigarettes Stale cigarettes Stale cigarettes Stale cigarettes ©Ricki E. Bellos (BMI) Though it might be harder to pitch if you were wanting to pitch this, I think doing it in first person would make it more gritty. Best of luck with this, sounds nice! Kim
*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!** BMI Member All Rights Reserved http://www.littleikepublishing.com Email for Song Business Only littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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pretty heavy story Ricki...
http://www.soundclick.com/louistwinn"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." Thoreau
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Hi Kim, Thanks for the input. Someone else suggested a first person POV and I have already re-written the lyrics that way. I'll have to live with it for a while and decide if it tells a better story. He lives for the danger and does the best that he can by her but she's just a kid. The twist in the gut is how she feels. As for the last verse, her life starts now because he is dead and the question is whether or not she follows in his footsteps. Somehow, I don't think he was the hugging type. I'll have to re-think some of this because it should be clear without the explanation, but that's what it's all about, right? The re-write! Thanks agan, Ricki
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Thanks Louis, but did you like it? Did it make you cry? Laugh? Snort? Ricki
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Ricki,
this could be really powerful. Stale cigarettes is a great metaphor. I would urge a rewrite of the chorus to a simple picture of what's in the mirror, smoke and all.
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Ricki,
I really like the lyric and the story of it, the words and the stale cigarettes really give you a taste of the story...ick..LOL!
I find it funny that the lines that are rushed are the lines that I thought would have slowed down with emphasis on certain words in a more bluesy way, but maybe that is just me, but it would solve your rushing problem.
I agree on being more conservative on which lines get harmony, if chosen correctly, it would really put a nice emphasis on the important parts.
Really enjoyed it and hearing you sing...
Tammy
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Hi John, thanks for listening and your input. Having been raised by smokers, it's the smell that brings the strongest memories, at least for me. What she sees in the mirror is herself and she has her father's eyes. The question is, will she go down the same path without him?
Ricki
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Thanks Tammy, I've already begun cutting out some harmony. And here I thought there wasn't enough! Glad you enjoyed it. Ricki
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I'm with you Ricki. What's going on is clear enough. Again a powerful metaphor.
John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Hiya Limey,
You've got some nerve musicating behind my back, lol.
Seriously though, I think this is classic Ricki storytelling and your usual understated yet compelling performance. So yeah, me likey very much.
That said, I had one little lyrical trip-up. In the second line of the chorus, grammatically-speaking, I wanted it to be "who you are" instead of "who are you".
When you're forced to consider
Who are you
What's a child to do
I know you need it that way for the rhyme...but I think I'm the only one who it bothered, so I guess it's no biggie.
Musically, I don't know that you need to "jazz it up" any. I am a fan of your streamlined executions...
Thanks for sharing,
Beth
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Boo! Good to see you around without your sequined apron! Thanks for tuning in to this one. Glad you likey. I hear you on the "who are you" line but not sure what to do about it. I'll ponder. Hope you stick around for a while. L
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PeekaBOO again.... Just thinking a bit more about that line. You do sort of mix up 2nd and 3rd person in that section...so what about something like?: When you're forced to consider
Who are you YOU ARE
What's a child to do INNOCENT SO FAR
When you face that mirror
Looking back at you
His eyes fierce and blueNot as subtle as the rest of the lyric, but thought I'd toss it out there anyway. Anyhoo, glad you're digging my sequins  . And hope to stick around for a while too! Ciao for now, Beth
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