JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Today's The Day

Hi JPFERS


I put up a lyric on lyric board in June of 2013 called Today's One of Those Days..
Found a gentleman on SongU that was interested in collaborating with me, and he liked this one's message, so we worked on it together. I feel fortunate to work with Tony True. This is his vocal as well. He plans to come join the JPF today or this weekend. His wife Lori also added input into the lyric so they are a co-writing team from out of Ottawa, Ontario.

It is our first fully musical draft. I see some places lyrically and a couple musical that are concerning but feel we are heading in the right direction. (hopefully)
I am taking it to SongU class tomorrow for Alan Roy Scott to give his input on it, but would also be very interested in thoughts from the jpfers.
Thanks!
Kim
Today's The Day

Verse 1
There’s an old oak tree waiting to spoil us underneath its shady leaves
Let's pack a picnic lunch for us, don't forget your homemade sweet iced tea
Tell me how long has it been since we took that ol bike for a spin?
Let the tension out, and let the sunshine in

Chorus
Life's been dropping hints, telling us to slow down
Enjoy one another, stop rushing around
Cause the tick-tocks on life's clock can’t be borrowed, or saved
And we keep promising tomorrow we'll get away
But baby if you ask me today's the day

Verse 2
You know we're not getting any younger than we are on this beautiful day
Let's kick our shoes off baby walk hand in hand feel the stress slip away
No one knows how long we have till that last grain of sand lands
We don't wanna regret all our unfinished plans

Chorus


Bridge
We pass one another in the hallway
With a quick kiss on the lips ‘cause we gotta go
Head down the road in different directions
Losing sight of what matters most

Chorus
Life's been dropping hints, telling us to slow down
Enjoy one another, stop rushing around
Cause the tick tocks on life's clock can’t be borrowed, or saved
And we keep promising tomorrow we'll get away
But baby if you ask me today's the day

Yeah baby if you ask me today's the day.


Lyrics - Kimberly Hales Kime
Lyrics and Music - Tony True & Lori True
© All Rights Reserved

Hi Kimberly,

I especially like this part.....

Cause the tick-tocks on life's clock can’t be borrowed, or saved

and this....
Head down the road in different directions
Losing sight of what matters most


Good luck

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Kim,

I love the sentiment of the lyrics and there are some cool lines and inner rhymes that keep it fresh, but reading without listening makes one wonder how such long lines will be kept interesting musically, and it turns out, they aren't. The verse music is kind of generic and not very memorable. The chorus melody is the same 4 lines in a row and the last line isn't all that different from the rest. I would re-think at least the chorus music and maybe eliminate the pause after the 1st and 3rd lines to keep it moving. The pauses after each line just make the song drag. The bridge was underwhelming musically as well. Just to give it some variety, maybe make it a 2 or 3 line bridge.

Overall, I guess I'd try to tighten up the lyrics into shorter lines so then you don't have to stretch the music out so much to cover them that it gets boring. You want to keep the same sentiment but less wordy.

Ricki

Kim, Ricki has pretty much summed up the feelings I had when I first read the lyric and listened to the song about an hour ago.

Really nice - and universal - sentiment in the story (and some good images), and Tony's vocals are just fine. I feel, though, that the lyric is far too wordy, with a lot of redundancies. The result is that there's no memorable melody, no easily remembered lines, and in particular no memorable chorus that a listener could hum or sing along with.
There are also instances of the wrong words (e.g. prepositions and others) being emphasised. It sounds as though the singer was battling to fit all the words in. By the end of the song, I couldn't remember anything of a melody or even individual lines.
(And your lyrics/songs are generally very memorable. )
There was also something I couldn't quite put my finger on at first, but now I realise that the music itself is very 'busy', and seems to be at odds with the vocals and with whatever melody is there.

I'd suggest culling the lyric back to about half or at least two-thirds of its length. This will make it much easier to weave a strong, punchy melody around it, and in particular a distinctive melody for the chorus and bridge.

I'd also suggest keeping the chorus short and sweet, with the hook ('Today's the day') repeated at least once, maybe even twice, to drive home the message. I'd also recommend having an even number of lines, as this would contribute to a more positive feel.

The bridge could be tightened/shortened as well, and not have the second and third lines repeating basically what's negative and what's in the verses. Make the focus positive, energising.

(I'm reminded here of advice given to me a couple of months ago during a Skype session with a pro songwriter in the US. She said "A song benefits from being 1) uplifting, 2) energising, and 3) positive".

Another thing she mentioned is that a memorable song is 'hooky'. It has hooks - lyrical, musical, and vocal - everywhere, not just in the chorus.
And it's easier to make a less wordy song 'hooky'.)

Anyway, it'll be interesting to know what Alan thinks. You're a skilled and conscientious writer, so I have no doubt that you'll be able to knock this into shape.

I hope the above is useful. In any case, it's simply one person's opinion. So keep or sweep.

Donna

Hi Kim,

Ok, here is what I think is happening here....With all due respect to my colleagues Ricki & Donna, I get what you are saying, but don't agree totally with all of what you say but do agree generally, but I feel that what is causing annoyances toward the song are due to a different reason.

I think you have a great vocalist which sings this song in a pop/modern country vibe nicely. The music is just "way" to driving for the vibe to enjoy the lyrics or feel them--in other words, there is incongruity with the connection of vocals to music, also some prosody as well. IMO, these lyrics will sound more interesting when hearing them with the right music vibe. Should you really want to stay with this music vibe, vocals IMO, need to be more a part of song, so they're not "sitting" on top so much, perhaps a little further back yet still piercing through the mix.

My feeling was I wanted to listen to the singer, but the music, though supporting the melody, was distracting and just getting in the way of the vocalist. This can happen easily if the vocalist performed this song to a more basic scratch track and then had this music arrangement inserted later. I'd go acoustic guitar and piano with this song and experiment with tempo.

I didn't delve into the lyrics, but I'll leave that for others. You have to have the lead vox fit the music vibe or it doesn't matter how good the lyrics are.

There is potential here, and kudos to a great vocal here. JMO.

steady-eddie.

Hi all,

I think the lyric is fine except I'd use the bridge to bring everything to a quiet, sparsely worded place from which to rebuild toward the end. The song needs a breather somewhere, I think?

This type of song can work--the repetitive melody and simple diatonic chord progression. Rosanne Cash's early records are full of songs like this. I think the difference is that she really sells her vocals, and the repetitive grooves are played tightly and it creates a kind of euphoria.

Little musical touches could help this immensely. Create a signature instrumental melody for the song. Maybe use part of the hooks melody, or a variation. Then put that in the intro and in the spaces between the verses. Maybe use a lead electric guitar and double it at the octave with another guitar or the keyboard that I hear in there.

These minimalist style rockers can work, but all the details and the phrasing need to be stellar.

Mike

Hi Kim,

I listened before reading the comments and I thought something was wrong with my speakers and I kept adjusting. I kept trying to hear the great sounding singer, but the music was distracting me and keeping me from listening. Then, I read Eddie's comment and realized that it wasn't just me!

Other than not being able to enjoy it fully because of that issue, it's a lovely song!

Lisa

Hmmmm.... I am going to guess that the music is canned. Either Band in a Box or a backing track of some kind. I say that because it sounds as if Tony (who has a nice voice BTW) is struggling to phrase the lyrics to fit the music. There are some odd pauses and rushed words.

Others have mentioned the repetitiveness of the melody and I agree, especially in the chorus. All the lines of the chorus have the same melody, all of them create tension, and when the chorus finally resolves at the end, you breathe a sigh of relief. The melody does fit the mold of modern country though, so the changes needed are relatively minor.

Lyrically, it may help to add punctuation or break the long lines up into bite sized pieces. Underline the emphasized syllables as we would speak them.

There’s an old oak tree,
waiting to spoil us, sittin' under its shady leaves,
Let's Pack a picnic lunch for us, don't forget your homemade sweet iced tea,
Tell me How long has it been, since we took that ol bike for a spin?
Let the tension out..............and let the sunshine in

I also wonder whether you are making the singer sound too old. Make him sound 40, not 60, if you want anyone to cut it.

Nice sentiments a good old pleasant love song.
Travis

Due to a bad fall while on vacation , and breaking my arm and hand, I will not be responding , my co-writer Tony will. I hope to be back in action in 6-8 weeks..behave everyone and thanks for awesome advice so far. KIM