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Input please!!!!!!



I was looking for something in my hand to help me float
A taxicab ride someone maybe just to say go
Right on time that convict women did arrive
Saying Steve Im surprised your still allive
I said Nicole you sure still are looking fine
Why don’t you come on back to being mine
but she was looking forceful and without fear
She said boy cut the shite what are you doing hear
I look around and said honey im jjust doing wehat I do
Don’t mind me at all I jus tlos tmy tooth
Well baby I don’t mind but I still need to know
Whether I should stay or whether I should go
Well I replied with a look so esteemed
Sometimes honey thinks aint what they seems
How dare you she said to even lecture me at all
Don’t you know you’re the one that called
Well maybe that’s true dear but theres one thing I gotta say
Is it really so special to be that way
But before she had even the chance to reply
I figured it couldn’t hurt to try out one more lie
SO I said Nicole I gotta a job that’s so well paid
In the last once alone 24 times I got a raise
Spare me Steve, you know Ive heard this al before
Im not young now and I cant listen anymore
Nicole I understand but please let me explain
Don’t you remember I warned you bout hard rain

But maybe girl your thinking about something I never knowed
The way the wintery cold and its winds just blow
Eitherway make sure you remember my face
Cause overtime its memery is bound to be erased
And as I turned to leave without saying good bye
I told her I loved her still and would till I dea
Well that’s the last time I saw her Pretty smile
Though its imaged stuck with mre for a long while
Now my two feet are out there going down the street
I can help but wondering about the next girl I meet
But evey now and then just as the sun goes to bed
I just cant get that sweet Nicole out of my head
Cause they say there is only one true love for us to find
I’ll tell you my friend its true and moine left me behind

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Blake,

It's obvious you are a Dylan fan, and certainly his influence with your writing and performance is obvious. IMO, when you have a really "long" verbose song, a shorter intro and outro helps reduce the song's length. We amateurs don't have the fans to have as much patience, especially with a Demo. But I respect anyone's desire to write a long song--I've written a couple fairly long myself. I think you have some really good expressions within this folk style song, but could trim this song down to 5 min by prioritizing and consolidating some verses. I also feel you could focus a bit more on "what" is the song's theme with this ballad, and make that more clear by repeating it on end lines, kind of how Dylan does "Don't think twice, it's alright." It would also help for the JPF-ers to separate the verses with spaces and use your edit button to correct any sp. errors--no big deal to have a couple, but helps to follow while reading without becoming disconcerted slightly.

I like the melody and vibe, harmonica fits real well. I think you might be "over-doing" the Dylan accent slightly so that will draw too much attention that you're imitating him......I like the style and your vocal tone, but you might back off just a little with the Dylanesk vocal style IMO, making it more "YOU," yet still effective.

Nice song with potential IMO.

steady-eddie.

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I appreciate that thanks.

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Hi Blake,

Great phrasing makes the listening compelling for the whole seven minutes, though I'm curious if you kept the phrasing and drop the Dylan emulation (at the end of each line) what it might sound like.

The instrumental could be trimmed in half, imo, and I think this would enjoy the support of a "Blonde On Blonde" kinda band sound.

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 03/29/17 04:49 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Thanks Mike cool input.

Maybe just a middle harm solo and an outro? It got a lot longer then I thought it would be. I appreciate the input.

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Hi Blake,

I enjoyed the listen and the rambler feel ... -- it does have a Dylan-esque vibe going on!
I think that shortening it would give it more punch, without losing its integrity!

Lisa

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Originally Posted by Lisa Gundling
Hi Blake,

I enjoyed the listen and the rambler feel ... -- it does have a Dylan-esque vibe going on!
I think that shortening it would give it more punch, without losing its integrity!

Lisa




Thanks I am re-working it!

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Hi Blake:

First, welcome to JPF. I had not taken time to hear any of your songs and chose this one for starters. You've already been given some great advice so I won't "pile on" any nits. It has possibilities and your vocal delivery/phrasing are very good. I would prefer to hear you sing this in your natural voice... assuming you were emulating Dylan... but, if not, proceed with vigor!

When convenient, read some of the many articles already published about the perils of "long songs"... except for those with immense followings and adoring fans.

Looking forward to the "re-cut" when you are ready to share with us.

Regards, ----Dave


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