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I was looking for something in my hand to help me float A taxicab ride someone maybe just to say go Right on time that convict women did arrive Saying Steve Im surprised your still allive I said Nicole you sure still are looking fine Why don’t you come on back to being mine but she was looking forceful and without fear She said boy cut the shite what are you doing hear I look around and said honey im jjust doing wehat I do Don’t mind me at all I jus tlos tmy tooth Well baby I don’t mind but I still need to know Whether I should stay or whether I should go Well I replied with a look so esteemed Sometimes honey thinks aint what they seems How dare you she said to even lecture me at all Don’t you know you’re the one that called Well maybe that’s true dear but theres one thing I gotta say Is it really so special to be that way But before she had even the chance to reply I figured it couldn’t hurt to try out one more lie SO I said Nicole I gotta a job that’s so well paid In the last once alone 24 times I got a raise Spare me Steve, you know Ive heard this al before Im not young now and I cant listen anymore Nicole I understand but please let me explain Don’t you remember I warned you bout hard rain
But maybe girl your thinking about something I never knowed The way the wintery cold and its winds just blow Eitherway make sure you remember my face Cause overtime its memery is bound to be erased And as I turned to leave without saying good bye I told her I loved her still and would till I dea Well that’s the last time I saw her Pretty smile Though its imaged stuck with mre for a long while Now my two feet are out there going down the street I can help but wondering about the next girl I meet But evey now and then just as the sun goes to bed I just cant get that sweet Nicole out of my head Cause they say there is only one true love for us to find I’ll tell you my friend its true and moine left me behind
It's obvious you are a Dylan fan, and certainly his influence with your writing and performance is obvious. IMO, when you have a really "long" verbose song, a shorter intro and outro helps reduce the song's length. We amateurs don't have the fans to have as much patience, especially with a Demo. But I respect anyone's desire to write a long song--I've written a couple fairly long myself. I think you have some really good expressions within this folk style song, but could trim this song down to 5 min by prioritizing and consolidating some verses. I also feel you could focus a bit more on "what" is the song's theme with this ballad, and make that more clear by repeating it on end lines, kind of how Dylan does "Don't think twice, it's alright." It would also help for the JPF-ers to separate the verses with spaces and use your edit button to correct any sp. errors--no big deal to have a couple, but helps to follow while reading without becoming disconcerted slightly.
I like the melody and vibe, harmonica fits real well. I think you might be "over-doing" the Dylan accent slightly so that will draw too much attention that you're imitating him......I like the style and your vocal tone, but you might back off just a little with the Dylanesk vocal style IMO, making it more "YOU," yet still effective.
Great phrasing makes the listening compelling for the whole seven minutes, though I'm curious if you kept the phrasing and drop the Dylan emulation (at the end of each line) what it might sound like.
The instrumental could be trimmed in half, imo, and I think this would enjoy the support of a "Blonde On Blonde" kinda band sound.
Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 03/29/1704:49 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
I enjoyed the listen and the rambler feel ... -- it does have a Dylan-esque vibe going on! I think that shortening it would give it more punch, without losing its integrity!
I enjoyed the listen and the rambler feel ... -- it does have a Dylan-esque vibe going on! I think that shortening it would give it more punch, without losing its integrity!
First, welcome to JPF. I had not taken time to hear any of your songs and chose this one for starters. You've already been given some great advice so I won't "pile on" any nits. It has possibilities and your vocal delivery/phrasing are very good. I would prefer to hear you sing this in your natural voice... assuming you were emulating Dylan... but, if not, proceed with vigor!
When convenient, read some of the many articles already published about the perils of "long songs"... except for those with immense followings and adoring fans.
Looking forward to the "re-cut" when you are ready to share with us.
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