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#1156459 - 09/15/19 07:33 AM Young Woman  
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Mimmo Offline
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Mimmo  Offline
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Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
New song after a while....I'm back in producing after a slow down with computer problems, I lost some files but I managed to get some back.
Here is my last recording.
Thanks for listening


https://soundcloud.com/domenic-mercurio/young-woman


Young woman (Revised)
Mimmo Mercurio/John Scunziano

She was a young Woman...of only twenty-three...
I was married, and twice as old as she
I Drove her home, from work one night
She put her arms around me... And she held me tight

She left the city went to finish school
Then to San Francisco to try something new
I think so often of that summer night
She held me tight and kissed me...then she ran inside

Once in life, if you're one of the lucky few
Fate will step in and... True love will come to you
Seldom in life will you get a second chance
A second chance... At true romance

I did not see her for a few long years
She came back, and was happy to be here.
We talked a long time and reminisced
Parted ways without a single kiss

Life is full of twists that can't be known
Sometimes seeds of love are never sown
Planned to chat when we had some time to kill
To share a coffee, but I'm waiting still
Once in life, Once in life,
Once in life


Last edited by Mimmo; 09/24/19 09:11 AM.
#1156460 - 09/15/19 10:44 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: May 2017
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Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
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"I was married, and twice as old as she" Seems like he made the right call in letting her go.

I don't think that you can reminisce on times you missed, in other words on things that didn't happen. I know I'm being picky, but listeners do notice these things, especially in a slow song like this one where they have plenty of time to think about the lyric as it unfolds.

Good production and you have a really good voice, which I enjoy hearing.

#1156463 - 09/15/19 12:27 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Jun 2011
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Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Good vocal and music Mimmo.
I think Gavin could have a valid point on reflection
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1156464 - 09/15/19 12:37 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Gavin Sinclair]  
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Mimmo Offline
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Originally Posted by Gavin Sinclair
"I was married, and twice as old as she" Seems like he made the right call in letting her go.

I don't think that you can reminisce on times you missed, in other words on things that didn't happen. I know I'm being picky, but listeners do notice these things, especially in a slow song like this one where they have plenty of time to think about the lyric as it unfolds.

Good production and you have a really good voice, which I enjoy hearing.

Thanks for listening and taking time to point out your thoughts on it.

It sounded good while recording it...But I see what you mean. I might have a replacement line ready.
Thanks also for your compliments on the mix and my voice.
Regards
Mimmo

#1156465 - 09/15/19 12:38 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Travis david]  
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Mimmo Offline
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Originally Posted by Travis david
Good vocal and music Mimmo.
I think Gavin could have a valid point on reflection
Regards
John

Thanks John...I will look at the lyrics.
Thanks for listening
mimmo

#1156468 - 09/15/19 11:42 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
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E Swartz Online content
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E Swartz  Online Content
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Mimmo,

I get the theme here. But I think you need to add some passion to the lyrics and better connect the story. In this manner the reminiscing will work better IMO, and I feel the opening verse will be more believable and tragic. He's smitten, but he knows this age difference will never work, and he doesn't follow after her knowing she needs to seek her own adventure and education. He'll always love her however, and therein is the tragedy for him. I can relate to this song--many moons ago when I was in a musical production age 22 and a beautiful 17 yr old dancer from the chorus asked me for a ride home........


I'm not saying you should necessarily change your lyrics, but here is "one" idea for lyrical consideration--you might even improve or expound upon it: (Liked the song and your performance-btw)



She was a young woman...of only twenty-three...
I was married, twice as old as she
Drove her home, from work one night
She kissed me softly then she ran inside

She left the city and went to finish school
Then San Francisco to try something new
I think so often of that fateful night
watched her go, but did what was right


Once in life, if you're one of the lucky few
Fate will step in... and true love will come to you
But seldom do you get a second chance
A second chance, for true romance

I did not see her for a few long years
When she came back, I fought back tears
We reminisced on all the times we missed
Parted ways without a single kiss

Life is full of twists that can't be known
Sometimes seeds of love are never sown
We planned to chat when we had some time to kill
To share a coffee, but I'm waiting still……..

steady-eddie


#1156472 - 09/16/19 07:27 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: E Swartz]  
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Mimmo Offline
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Mimmo  Offline
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Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted by E Swartz
Mimmo,

I get the theme here. But I think you need to add some passion to the lyrics and better connect the story. In this manner the reminiscing will work better IMO, and I feel the opening verse will be more believable and tragic. He's smitten, but he knows this age difference will never work, and he doesn't follow after her knowing she needs to seek her own adventure and education. He'll always love her however, and therein is the tragedy for him. I can relate to this song--many moons ago when I was in a musical production age 22 and a beautiful 17 yr old dancer from the chorus asked me for a ride home........


I'm not saying you should necessarily change your lyrics, but here is "one" idea for lyrical consideration--you might even improve or expound upon it: (Liked the song and your performance-btw)



She was a young woman...of only twenty-three...
I was married, twice as old as she
Drove her home, from work one night
She kissed me softly then she ran inside

She left the city and went to finish school
Then San Francisco to try something new
I think so often of that fateful night
watched her go, but did what was right


Once in life, if you're one of the lucky few
Fate will step in... and true love will come to you
But seldom do you get a second chance
A second chance, for true romance

I did not see her for a few long years
When she came back, I fought back tears
We reminisced on all the times we missed
Parted ways without a single kiss

Life is full of twists that can't be known
Sometimes seeds of love are never sown
We planned to chat when we had some time to kill
To share a coffee, but I'm waiting still……..

steady-eddie

Hi Ed...Thanks for stopping by...and for you suggestions, I'll go back to it next week...See what I can do with it.
Regards
Mimmo

#1156473 - 09/16/19 07:27 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Mimmo Offline
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Mimmo  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted by Mimmo
Originally Posted by E Swartz
Mimmo,

I get the theme here. But I think you need to add some passion to the lyrics and better connect the story. In this manner the reminiscing will work better IMO, and I feel the opening verse will be more believable and tragic. He's smitten, but he knows this age difference will never work, and he doesn't follow after her knowing she needs to seek her own adventure and education. He'll always love her however, and therein is the tragedy for him. I can relate to this song--many moons ago when I was in a musical production age 22 and a beautiful 17 yr old dancer from the chorus asked me for a ride home........


I'm not saying you should necessarily change your lyrics, but here is "one" idea for lyrical consideration--you might even improve or expound upon it: (Liked the song and your performance-btw)



She was a young woman...of only twenty-three...
I was married, twice as old as she
Drove her home, from work one night
She kissed me softly then she ran inside

She left the city and went to finish school
Then San Francisco to try something new
I think so often of that fateful night
watched her go, but did what was right


Once in life, if you're one of the lucky few
Fate will step in... and true love will come to you
But seldom do you get a second chance
A second chance, for true romance

I did not see her for a few long years
When she came back, I fought back tears
We reminisced on all the times we missed
Parted ways without a single kiss

Life is full of twists that can't be known
Sometimes seeds of love are never sown
We planned to chat when we had some time to kill
To share a coffee, but I'm waiting still……..

steady-eddie

Hi Ed...Thanks for stopping by...and for you suggestions, I'll go back to it next week...See what I can do with it.
Regards
Mimmo

#1156475 - 09/16/19 07:33 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,926
MFB III Offline
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MFB III  Offline
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Posts: 3,926
ohio
The music sets the mood so perfectly for this lost love saga....and the lyrics tell the story quite beautifully. There are no words for such a loss but you managed to make it real in my souls. I too have suffered such a detour on love's vast pathways. We don't always get choices in love and sometimes love comes round at the wrong time and leaves us with nothing but timeless memories.

#1156488 - 09/16/19 10:18 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: MFB III]  
Joined: Aug 2018
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Mimmo Offline
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Mimmo  Offline
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Posts: 153
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted by MFB III
The music sets the mood so perfectly for this lost love saga....and the lyrics tell the story quite beautifully. There are no words for such a loss but you managed to make it real in my souls. I too have suffered such a detour on love's vast pathways. We don't always get choices in love and sometimes love comes round at the wrong time and leaves us with nothing but timeless memories.


Thank you for your kind words...It is a touching story.
Regards
Mimmo

#1156582 - 09/19/19 07:24 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Aug 2018
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Mimmo Offline
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Mimmo  Offline
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Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Please listen to the (Revised) mix...Thanks...I changed some lyrics
posted a new link in the main post...The vocal track has not been finalized yet.
Thanks you for listening.
Mimmo

Last edited by Mimmo; 09/19/19 07:58 AM.
#1156614 - 09/19/19 06:27 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 665
Steve Altonian Online content
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Steve Altonian  Online Content
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Posts: 665
Los Angeles, California
Since you are still in revision mode I'm only gonna share random thoughts. No way to get a true Chorus here out of your ONCE IN LIFE ? Have you tried? That line/verse/bridge or whatever you are calling it expresses a theme for the song better than YOUNG WOMAN of course that is IMO.

I would try to write a Full Chorus and build the tune out that way. But that's just me

I'd also shorten that intro to say 8 seconds....Also see the red on the lyric below

Just a few thoughts...

Good luck with this...Sounding good

Young woman (Revised)
Mimmo Mercurio/John Scunziano

She was a young Woman...of only twenty-three...
I was married, and twice as old as she
I Drove her home, from work one night
She put her arms around me... And she held me tight

She left the city went to finish school
Then to San Francisco to try something new
I think so often of that summer night
She held me tight and kissed me...then she ran inside

Once in life, if you're one of the lucky few
Fate will step in and... True love will come to you
Seldom in life will you get a second chance
A second chance... At true romance (I would find another line instead of second chance again, you just said "a second chance". That is wasted real estate)

I did not see her for a few long years
She came back, and was happy to be here.
We talked a long time and reminisced
Parted ways without a single kiss

Life is full of twists that can't be known
Sometimes seeds of love are never sown
Planned to chat when we had some time to kill
To share a coffee, but I'm waiting still
Once in life, Once in life,
Once in life


Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1156618 - 09/19/19 07:23 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,492
E Swartz Online content
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E Swartz  Online Content
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,492
Ohio
Mimmo,

Definitely improved lyrically in my mind, as the story flows and feels more real. I also liked how you tweaked some of the notes being sang. I originally in my earlier comments started to mention the repeat about 2nd chance, but then thought given the nostalgia, I thought it was effective in this circumstance reinforcing that line. I do think from a production polishing, you could remove a little of the upper range eq--a bit to brittle IMO. Check those eq's on their individual faders, or maybe put an eq on the master fader and back off those frequencies--just be careful it doesn't affect your vox too much. I was listening through decent head phones that do boost bass and upper mids slightly for your info.

Great song Mimmo, you have a flare for romance--but being from Italy, that comes natural huh?

steady-eddie

#1156664 - 09/20/19 12:36 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Steve Altonian]  
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Mimmo Offline
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Mimmo  Offline
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Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted by Steve Altonian
Since you are still in revision mode I'm only gonna share random thoughts. No way to get a true Chorus here out of your ONCE IN LIFE ? Have you tried? That line/verse/bridge or whatever you are calling it expresses a theme for the song better than YOUNG WOMAN of course that is IMO.

I would try to write a Full Chorus and build the tune out that way. But that's just me

I'd also shorten that intro to say 8 seconds....Also see the red on the lyric below

Just a few thoughts...

Good luck with this...Sounding good

Young woman (Revised)
Mimmo Mercurio/John Scunziano

She was a young Woman...of only twenty-three...
I was married, and twice as old as she
I Drove her home, from work one night
She put her arms around me... And she held me tight

She left the city went to finish school
Then to San Francisco to try something new
I think so often of that summer night
She held me tight and kissed me...then she ran inside

Once in life, if you're one of the lucky few
Fate will step in and... True love will come to you
Seldom in life will you get a second chance
A second chance... At true romance (I would find another line instead of second chance again, you just said "a second chance". That is wasted real estate)

I did not see her for a few long years
She came back, and was happy to be here.
We talked a long time and reminisced
Parted ways without a single kiss

Life is full of twists that can't be known
Sometimes seeds of love are never sown
Planned to chat when we had some time to kill
To share a coffee, but I'm waiting still
Once in life, Once in life,
Once in life
it would be hard to get any more added to the song without rebuilding the whole structure...The music track was done a wile back, no seps available unfortunately. Beleive it or not I was going to call it "Once in life" But in the end I chose "Young Woman " instead.

Thanks, Steve, for listening and for your thoughts on this.

Mimmo

#1156666 - 09/20/19 12:41 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: E Swartz]  
Joined: Aug 2018
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Mimmo Offline
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Mimmo  Offline
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Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted by E Swartz
Mimmo,

Definitely improved lyrically in my mind, as the story flows and feels more real. I also liked how you tweaked some of the notes being sang. I originally in my earlier comments started to mention the repeat about 2nd chance, but then thought given the nostalgia, I thought it was effective in this circumstance reinforcing that line. I do think from a production polishing, you could remove a little of the upper range eq--a bit to brittle IMO. Check those eq's on their individual faders, or maybe put an eq on the master fader and back off those frequencies--just be careful it doesn't affect your vox too much. I was listening through decent head phones that do boost bass and upper mids slightly for your info.

Great song Mimmo, you have a flare for romance--but being from Italy, that comes natural huh?

steady-eddie

Eddy:
Thanks for coming back to check it out...I also think the repeat of "second chance " sits nicely in there.
I'm still working on the final production. This a temporary mix.
Thanks for your comments .
Soon I will post a completed track.
Regards
Mimmo

#1156685 - 09/20/19 07:52 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Jul 2006
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Michael Zaneski Offline
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Michael Zaneski  Offline
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Posts: 5,089
California
Hi Mimmo,

You have a beautiful voice and very good production and arranging skills.

That, said, I look forward to a song from you that gets really intimate, with a smaller overall sound and vocals closer mic'd. Maybe a fingerpicked guitar as the main instrument and not much more.

It might be partly what Eddie said in his last comments, but I think I'd have warmed to this more if you at least started with a much smaller band and then let it expand with each new section. As it is, I come away feeling like you were in competition with the music.

You have a voice not unlike Rufus Wainwright. Actually, I like your voice more, as his gets a little nasal to my ears. But check out how he arranges music around his voice. He lets his voice be the focus and the music acts to punctuate. His singing is very focused and deliberate and classy, like yours.

But these are just my feelings about this song. I do look forward to that intimate song, though, cuz I just know it will be killer. smile

Mike


Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 09/20/19 10:17 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#1156716 - 09/21/19 06:56 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
Joined: Aug 2018
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Mimmo Offline
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Mimmo  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted by Michael Zaneski
Hi Mimmo,

You have a beautiful voice and very good production and arranging skills.

That, said, I look forward to a song from you that gets really intimate, with a smaller overall sound and vocals closer mic'd. Maybe a fingerpicked guitar as the main instrument and not much more.

It might be partly what Eddie said in his last comments, but I think I'd have warmed to this more if you at least started with a much smaller band and then let it expand with each new section. As it is, I come away feeling like you were in competition with the music.

You have a voice not unlike Rufus Wainwright. Actually, I like your voice more, as his gets a little nasal to my ears. But check out how he arranges music around his voice. He lets his voice be the focus and the music acts to punctuate. His singing is very focused and deliberate and classy, like yours.

But these are just my feelings about this song. I do look forward to that intimate song, though, cuz I just know it will be killer. smile

Mike

Hi Mike...Thanks for taking the time to comment.

I want to thank you also about your compliments on my voice...Coming from you it means a lot as you are, (I think) a much better singer and arranger/producer than I’ll ever be...

This song I did the writing of the lyrics, singing and the producing, I got the track almost as is. The composer for it put it on one of the collaboration sites I belong to as an instrumental...He had a guitar as a leading instrument, I replaced with my lyrics and melody and kept the lead part in the solo.

A while back I sent a completed song to a local friend of mine for his thoughts on it, we used to collaborate a long time ago before the on-line sites.
He actually suggested the same thing you did...”Writhe and produce something with only voice and guitar”.

My singing and producing abilities are much better than my guitar playing, But I guess there is no harm in trying...I have to give it some thought...See what I can come up with or find something I can work with on line.

I want to thank you so much also for what you said in the paragraph about Rufus Wainwright.

Thanks again...Have a great day
Mimmo

#1156741 - 09/21/19 03:07 PM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,089
Michael Zaneski Offline
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Michael Zaneski  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 5,089
California
Your welcome, Mimmo, and I realized I left out the most important comparison of you with RW. Both your voices are on the delicate side. Whereas his sister Martha can belt out a lyric like Aretha, if she chooses, Rufus, has dynamics too, but there's much more control and restraint, most of the time, with him, to my ears. I mean, yes, he can belt it out, too, but there's always a feeling of restraint or control or maybe classical training in there.

And all this plays into the idea of musical arrangements that punctuate rather than dominate. Delicate, intimate voices work best when they are allowed to draw the listener in.

With more attention on your voice, you might end up working harder to get all the little nuances just right, but the rewards would be enormous, I'd imagine.

Just my humble opinion..

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 09/21/19 04:11 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#1156761 - 09/22/19 03:56 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
That voice gets better Mimmo!
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1156767 - 09/22/19 08:35 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Mimmo Offline
Serious Contributor
Mimmo  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted by Travis david
That voice gets better Mimmo!
John

Thanks John...Talk soon.
Regards
Mimmo

#1156883 - 09/24/19 09:12 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Mimmo Offline
Serious Contributor
Mimmo  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Main post has been updated with latest version...i think now final!
Thanks for listening.

https://soundcloud.com/domenic-mercurio/young-woman

#1156884 - 09/24/19 10:12 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Mimmo]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,141
Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,141
Conover, North Carolina, USA
I like this for all the reasons others have mentioned. You really do have a great voice.

In my headphones, the introductory piano panned to the left sounded a little strange. When there is only one instrument playing, I expect to hear it more towards the middle. That is probably just me. Also, "once in life," although not wrong, doesn't sound very natural or idiomatic to me. "Once in a life" sounds better. Maybe someone else can chime in and agree or disagree?

#1156935 - 09/25/19 06:18 AM Re: Young Woman [Re: Gavin Sinclair]  
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Mimmo Offline
Serious Contributor
Mimmo  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 153
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted by Gavin Sinclair
I like this for all the reasons others have mentioned. You really do have a great voice.

In my headphones, the introductory piano panned to the left sounded a little strange. When there is only one instrument playing, I expect to hear it more towards the middle. That is probably just me. Also, "once in life," although not wrong, doesn't sound very natural or idiomatic to me. "Once in a life" sounds better. Maybe someone else can chime in and agree or disagree?

Thanks for stopping by Gavin.
The music was all done when I recorded the vocals, It's an old track and the separates where not available anymore...I normally would put an leading instrument in the center, I had no choice in this one.

The "once in life" part...I tried singing it, For me it flows a bit smoother as is. I'll check it out again in a few days...See how it goes.
Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.
Regards
Mimmo


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