JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum HUNGRY TONIGHT

Title: Hungry Tonight
(c) All Rights Reserved, 05/05/2011
Fran Williams

Hungry Tonight

V1)
My heart feels empty-lying on white silken sheets
On one else can satisfy me- our love was so right
Need your loving arms and kisses,so desperately
Miss you darling, love you- I'm hungry tonight

Lift)
Honey, you could always love me-just the right way
Sweet kisses were so soft and filled me with delight
Missing you baby-I love you- I'm So Hungry Tonight

Chorus)
Honey-lately I've been a little hard to get along with
I know we had a small disagreement-You were so right
Been spending to much time working and everything
You're my world- let me love you-don't want to fight
Darling please forgive me- I'm so hungry tonight

V2)
My arms reach out for you honey- you just lay there
Cold as a winter storm- let my love melt your heart
Give me a chance to love you- make things alright
Darling please forgive me- I'm so hungry tonight

Repeat chorus)2X's

Tag)
Honey-I am- So Hungry- Hungry for love tonight
Hungry- I feel So Empty- Hungry for love tonight

All constructive advice and suggestions are appreciated..

Best regards,
Fran Williams

Hi Fran,

I like your lyrics. Good visual set up right in 1st verse. I'd just suggest some small tweaks to tighten up wording in the Lift & Chorus:

Honey, you could always love me just right
Soft sweet kisses filled me with delight
Missing you baby - love you- I'm So Hungry Tonight

Honey-lately I've been hard to get along with
we had a small disagreement and you were so right
I’m spending way too much time working and I don’t want to fight
You're my world- let me love you- I'm so hungry tonight

Hi Fran,

I like your lyrics. Good visual set up right in 1st verse. I'd just suggest some small tweaks to tighten up wording in the Lift & Chorus:

Honey, you could always love me just right
Soft sweet kisses filled me with delight
Missing you baby - love you- I'm So Hungry Tonight

Honey-lately I've been hard to get along with
we had a small disagreement and you were so right
I’m spending way too much time working and I don’t want to fight
You're my world- let me love you- I'm so hungry tonight



[/quote]

Hi Cathy,
I love the suggestions you made. It helps the
structure of the lyrics so much. I will do a
a re-write and you are appreciated. I realize
that it needs some help with note counts, to
make it more singable. I picture a low sexy
voice, that drops even lower, when they sing
I'm-So_Hun_..Gry_To-Nig..ht. Thanks again!

Lonely girl,
Fran Williams

Fran,
I never try to re-write people's songs. I just make comments as some sort of overview about what is there. I like what you have. It is honest, even erotic. Nice work.
Jim Colyer

Hi Fran-

I can only relay helpful suggestions I've learned over the years; many from feeback from publishers.

My opinion of this lyric is:
The lyric in the different parts seems to be very similar in content.
The lift reads like a chorus, and the chorus reads like a verse....
I don't hear a unique powerful chorus that seperates itself from the rest of the song.
I can't feel any build up or climax in this song.

Even though rules can be broken, for the most part put your title/hook in the choruses...
so it stands out...repeat it as many times as you can!
Makes the song memorable that way.

Study the basic song strucures; know how they work best for different lyric.....
start listening to hit songs and write down the patterns....ABABCA...ABAB....AABA etc..
listen to the musical and lyrical hooks and build ups, and where the hooks are placed.
The 30's, 40', 50's and 60's songs had a ton of strong titles/hooks.
Listen to the current hits and THE BEATLES!

Your meter needs work.
I GOT RHYTHM says it all.
Just say it, you feel it.

Sheila Davis has a great book that explains all this;
SUCCESSFUL LYRIC WRITING.
This Melissa Manchester hit from the past is an example of
a strong hook. One can see and feel the meter when reading the lyric.

http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/intolerablecruelty/dontcryoutloud.htm

~C~

Hey Fran-

Just a quick example of a chorus that may fit into this kind of lyric....

chorus

I'm Hungry Tonight
Still starving for affection
I wont settle for rejection
I'm Hungry Tonight
You're my fav'rite recipe
Feed me your love don't let me feel so empty
I'm Hungry Tonight

Still starving= alliteration the st's
Feed me your love don't let me feel so empty= assonance
repetiton of internal vowel sounds
the ee sounds in feed, me, feel & empty

Hi Jim, thank you for your comments. My novice lyric writing
ears needed to hear some encouragement. Yes, it was suppose
to be erotic, without using, Bad Words. I really don't
mind a lyric re-write, if it helps to produce a great song.
Well, I do expect my credits.. I appreciate you!

Best regards,
Fran Williams

Hi Cal,
Thank you for your advice and suggestions. I really love
the verse you wrote. I do realize that I am a novice lyric
writer. I am starting to get discouraged about my efforts.
I have seen some, who want to just use my lyrics to get
inspired..I feel DUMPED.. I have hundreds of lyrics,but
I am going to put them back in the "Chicken Nest". Perhaps
I will read all the Books you suggested..Guess I need more
help than I realized. Thanks! I needed that..

Eating Crow,
FranW

Hey Fran-
Please don't feel frusterated by my comments or feedback from others; they are posted to help. Keep working on these writings you posted. There's no rush. I was told by Ralph Johnson Big Wedge Records Nashville TN that many staff writers at publishing companies focus on only 3 to 4 songs per year; but ultimately get cuts.
http://www.wedgeentertainment.net/keepinitcountry.htm

Don't sweat the small stuff!
You have a lot going for yourself as a songwriter!
You have a ton of lyric, you are in Nashville,
your ideas are real good, and you are young.
You're ideas can cross over into many genres.

I took me years to catch on; like I mentioned, feedback from the pros, JPF's was a great help, songwriting and lyric books, studying songs and listening to the hit tunes. Also writing and re-writing over & over till a song is the best one can make it.

With diligence I'm sure you will find success with your writings.

Try this:
When you go to bed each night say:

"I will wake up with a song in my heart."

The spiritual context is that "song" stands for a sense of joy in existence,
but since we are songwriters, the effect is doubled.
Also, say to yourself from time to time;
"I will write a hit song."
Stay positive motivated and alert to those opportunities that lie ahead;
The right people are there right now; anxious, willing and ready to help you.

Try the 10 day free trial here at songU Nashville...lots of great stuff!

http://www.songu.com/pubTopTenQuestions.asp

also; a must to read for every aspiring songwriter, by Danny Arena songU staff.

http://www.songwritersresourcenetwork.com/be-successful.html


~C~

Hi Cal, thank you so much for your special words of
encouragement. I realize you were trying to help me!
I appreciate you!..

"My Prayer Last Night"

Father in heaven, I pray my soul to keep
Help me stay strong, as I face my defeat

He said child,
You are in my music garden
Plant your seeds- they will grow
It won't happen overnight, and
Sometimes the best happens slow

Just take a few seeds of talent
Plant them in a rich bed of patience
Nourish them with prayers of love
If disappointments should develop

I will water them with angel tears
And, my child in time if you're lucky
You will create a remarkable thing
Called- A song. Amen, Now go to sleep

Best regards,
FranW

Fran;

Thouht your lyric as originally written was very thought-provoking and yet all the suggs given by others were very enlightening as well. I am probably still a novice in a lot of ways even though I have written hundreds over the years. I really feel you should, over time, post your entire repetoire here as I have done. Of course you will probably find that some lyrics get no feedback, just as many of mine haven't. Would like to invite you to check out my post "Burgundy and Blue" which I posted just yesterday.

Peace,
Brian

Hi Folks, this lyric had some awesome comments!
It's been in the "chicken nest" for a long..long time!!
Really got a big laugh reading it!.. Put it on my lyric
laughter plate!! Today my young neice said, "Aunt Fran,
You're too Skinny" Hope you enjoy the read, and if
someone wants to help develop music..Go for it..

Laughin' all the way to the fridge,
Fran Williams

Title: Hungry Tonight
(c) All Rights Reserved, 05/05/2011
Fran Williams

Hungry Tonight

(VI)
My heart feels SO empty, ALONE on silken sheets
( I ) Need your loving kisses. I don't want to fight.
NO one else COULD satisfy me- our love IS ONE TO KEEP.
(Chorus Refrain)
(OH HOW I) Miss you darling. I'm so Hungry Tonight

(VII)
WE ARGUED OVER NOTHING, YOU'RE RIGHT, I WAS WRONG.
My arms reach out for you, YOU'RE Cold as winter's NIGHT
Give me a chance to love you, YOU'VE BEEN GONE TOO LONG.
OH HOW I miss you darling. I'm so Hungry Tonight

(Bridge)
WE've been hard to get along with
WE disagree, AND THAT'S ALRIGHT.
Darling please forgive me- I'm so Hungry Tonight

(VIII)
I THINK WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT, DON'T YOU THINK WE CAN?
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, STILL HERE BY MORNING'S LIGHT.
AT LEAST WE'RE BACK TO TALKIN', YOU KNOW I NEED MY MAN.
OH HOW I miss you darling, I'm so Hungry Tonight.

(Coda)
OH HOW I miss you darling, I'm so Hungry Tonight.
OH HOW I miss you darling, I'm so Hungry Tonight.

(I'm on her side Fran! Forgive her you fool! LOL)

Hi Gary, this was a delightful surprise. You really made the
lyric singable now. "Delicious Kisses" might do the trick
You're right, I'm wrong that's the way that love goes
He needs to stop all that "Foolin" around..yeah!! Kicked
him out of bed..Oh...Oh...Oh..last thing he said..Yeah

Hungry girl,
Fran W.

Hey Fran,

Good to see you back posting!