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#911402 - 07/28/11 06:28 PM Deliver Me  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
rpirone Offline
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rpirone  Offline
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Pennsylvania
Any comments or suggestions are welcome and appreciated

Thanks
Rich


http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10895407

Boss man laid me off down the plant the other day
I got a wife and kids and one on the way
There's lots of folks rowin' that same boat
With all their might try'n to stay afloat

I know the Bible says "And this too shall pass"
"The last shall be first and the first shall be last"
But the first have all they'll ever need
While the last are left to sweat and plead...

Deliver me from the hungry years
Deliver me from unanswered prayers
Deliver me when I run out of dreams
And deliver me when my dreams run out on me

I know there's no such thing as an innocent man
We make our way in this world the best that we can
It's those times your back's put to the wall
You find out how far you rise or fall

Deliver me from the hungry years
Deliver me from unanswered prayers
Deliver me when I run out of dreams
And deliver me when my dreams run out on me

Deliver me from the wolves at my door
Deliver me when my world gets torn
Deliver me from the desperate days
Deliver me from long nights on lost highways
__________________
http://www.soundclick.com/richpirone

#911404 - 07/28/11 06:35 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 5,577
Little_stevie_b Online content
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Little_stevie_b  Online Content
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Hickory, North Carolina USA
Rich,

I clicked on the link and it took me to a page that said..."You're doing it wrong." I'll come back later. Say Hi to Robertk for me when you see him.

Stevie

#911407 - 07/28/11 06:41 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Little_stevie_b]  
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Meg Engell Offline
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Meg Engell  Offline
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The Place to Be
THAT PIC!

Soundclick is my new best friend.

Sorry JPF.


Now writing as Orion Redgrave.

Check me out on tumblr @orionredgrave
#911409 - 07/28/11 06:44 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Meg Engell]  
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rpirone Offline
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rpirone  Offline
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Pennsylvania
Fixed the link. It should work now.

#911411 - 07/28/11 06:48 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
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Little_stevie_b Online content
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Really solid song Rich. You done good.

Stevie

#911457 - 07/28/11 10:26 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Little_stevie_b]  
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rpirone Offline
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Stevie:

Thanks for the kind words.

BTW I'll see Robert K this weekend at a Jimmy Webb concert. I'll give him your regards.

Rich

#911461 - 07/28/11 10:33 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
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Zeek Offline
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Sounds like a demo track?

That said, production is slick and right in the pocket. I was looking for harmony starting on the 2nd verse and even more prominent in the mix during the chorus--it's barely there.

The chorus could have elevated more--I think it could have been done with chording that was less predictable.

I loved the little odd chord after the 2nd lines of the verses. Things like that stand out in a good way.

Solid job, but I've already forgotten the hook after the song was over.

Zeek

#911583 - 07/29/11 12:52 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Zeek]  
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rpirone Offline
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rpirone  Offline
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Zeek:

Your instincts are correct - it is a demo. Thanks for giving it a listen.

Rich

#911587 - 07/29/11 01:32 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Jul 2010
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Dan Sullivan Offline
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Dan Sullivan  Offline
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MI
The lyrics tell a familiar tale: A man seeking deliverance from hard times. It's overly reliant on cliches, but there's some cleverness to the writing. But something is missing. There doesn't seem to be any emotional connection here. Or at least it doesn't connect with me. The upbeat melody of the chorus doesn't fit this tale of woe. I dunno, it's hard to put my finger on it, but something is missing. Good sounding demo, some cleverness to the writing, good vocal. There's certainly plenty of evidence of talent here. But somehow it misses the mark. At least to my ears.

The only thing I can suggest is that the chorus, because it's so upbeat, should be a defiant promise to overcome all obstacles placed in your path, rather than a passive prayer for someone to save you from the hard road ahead. Maybe:

There's a hard road ahead of me
Trouble as far as the eye can see
I may get discouraged but that don't mean
I'll ever give up on myself or my dreams

or something in that vein. Anyway, just my thoughts. Lots of talent in evidence here.


Write from your heart, not what you think others want to hear.

https://dansullivan2.bandcamp.com

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/dansullivan2
#911669 - 07/29/11 05:48 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Dan Sullivan]  
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rpirone Offline
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Pennsylvania
Dan:

Appreciate your taking the time to check this tune out. I'll take your suggestions under advisement.

Thanks
Rich


#913267 - 08/04/11 02:53 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 3,639
Samuel Harris Offline
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You need to work on the melody. you have a pattern that goes
da da da da da da da da da da da

over and over and over and over again... and the chorus barely varies. You are killing a pretty good lyric with a really tedious melody. The playing is good so you should be able to do it. At the very least, find an alternative melody for the second two lines in each verse. It's very hard in print to explain melody. I wish we had a way to sing or hum a melody that was as quick as typing, because this is not a hard problem to solve.

Boss man laid me off down the plant the other day
I got a wife and kids and one on the way

There's lots of folks rowin' that same boat (change this melody line)
With all their might try'n to stay afloat (and this)

In do re mi form here is the what you are doing over and over again:

do so so so so so so so la so so me so

You are singing in the key of A and you voice sings the "E" note in that scale 10 out of the 13 notes in each line of every verse!
Have you ever heard the term "droning on"? Well that is the effect you create. This is a pretty easy fix. There are millions of alternative melodies for these line. I don't particularly think he is a great songwriter but Jason Blume is a songwriting teacher who released a CD explaining techniques for writing better melodies. You might benefit from that. And no, I am not Jason Blume.




"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
#913305 - 08/04/11 06:04 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Samuel Harris]  
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IronKnee Offline
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Hawaii
Hey there rpirone...I really like the song, as a whole....there is an element,however, of "bitterness" in the lyric that rubs me.
The production is awesome, non-the-less!! A real toe tapper.
-Tom

#913318 - 08/04/11 07:23 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: IronKnee]  
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rpirone Offline
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Pennsylvania
Cognac

They say you should write what you know.

If you detect a note of bitterness, it's probably because I wrote it after being unemployed for over 2 years.

Thankfully that is no longer the case.

#913321 - 08/04/11 07:29 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Samuel Harris]  
Joined: Aug 2002
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rpirone Offline
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rpirone  Offline
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Pennsylvania
Sam:

I agree with what you're saying. I'm not a musician. I have absolutely no musical training whatsoever. I couldn't tell an F-minor from an F-adult.

I write a lyric and then come up with a melody. I sing it into a cassette and send it off to the demo studio with my arrangement instructions. In this case, the singer homogenized my melody a little more than usual, eschewing some of the inflections and accents in the original melody.

Rich

#913354 - 08/05/11 12:06 AM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 945
Jen Warner Offline
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Posts: 945
Ohio
Hi, Rich! Some great feedback already, and I agree with a lot of it.

It may be too late at this stage for what I'm about to say, but for what it's worth:

Most people aren't going to be reading the lyrics while listening, so they aren't going to see the end of your quotation marks in V2. Thus, when listening, it sounds like the singer is saying that the entire V2 is what the Bible says. To me, that is a pretty significant area that would need to be much more distinct in its delivery.

I'd suggest a simple change such as this to correct it maybe:

I know the Bible says "And this too shall pass"
"The last shall be first and the first shall be last"
I SAY the first have all they'll ever need
While the last are left to sweat and plead...

Good luck with it!

--Jen


The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.--Mark Twain
#913570 - 08/05/11 07:12 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Jen Warner]  
Joined: Aug 2002
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rpirone Offline
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rpirone  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 140
Pennsylvania
Jen:

That quote from the Bible is pretty well known. It didn't occur to me that someone might think that the last 2 lines of the verse were part of Scripture. But, nonetheless, I like your idea quite a bit.

Thanks
Rich

#913631 - 08/05/11 10:52 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 838
Todd Strachan Offline
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Todd Strachan  Offline
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Detroit Michigan
Really nice Rich! I like the lyrics and the music is great. Glad to hear you are back to work! Good luck with this! And Jen gave you some good advice, many peoples knowledge of the Bible is casual at best!

Todd


Everything we have has come from you, and we
give you only what you have already given us!

1 Chronicles 29:14


www.soundclick.com/toddgstrachan
#913869 - 08/06/11 07:53 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: Todd Strachan]  
Joined: Aug 2002
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rpirone Offline
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rpirone  Offline
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Pennsylvania
Todd:

Appreciate the kind words.

Thanks
Rich

#1161795 - 02/24/20 08:04 PM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Oct 2017
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Fdemetrio Offline
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Nice solid recording and tune, where ya been?

#1162523 - 03/29/20 10:28 AM Re: Deliver Me [Re: rpirone]  
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,481
E Swartz Offline
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E Swartz  Offline
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Ohio
Fde,

Did you bump this song from 2011, or did rp?

No matter, I really enjoyed this modern country production--good stuff, great hook, arrangement, melody, performance. RP are you still around?

steady-eddie


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