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#1164396 - 05/14/20 05:48 AM WINTER NIGHT. Rewrite 3  
Joined: Jun 2011
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Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 3 Thanks to Gavin on JPF)

The gardens blanket glittered silver and white
Jack Frost's dance,was captured in the moonlight.
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
No dream she's really mine

MUSIC

V
So happy for this love that we'd found
treading carefully first for this second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
nobody in this world that I'd longed to spend, that winter night
.

OUTRO
Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny

Sent from my Huawei phone

---------------
WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 2Thanks to Gavin on JPF)
V
Frost danced, captured in the moonlight
the gardens blanket glittered silver and white
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Could she really be mine?

MUSIC
V
So happy for this love we hoped we'd found
at first caution, cos for us our second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
kissed, climbed the stairs, a bed to share
together, that winter's night.

OUTRO
Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny

---------------------

WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 1)
V
Frost danced captured by the moonlight
its blanket glowed like tinsel silver and white
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Could she really be mine?


MUSIC
V
So happy for this love we knew we'd found
first tinged with caution for our second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
We'd kiss and climb the stairs, from our winter's night.

OUTRO
Love so strong so impossible to deny


Last edited by Travis david; 05/17/20 11:20 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1164420 - 05/14/20 08:50 PM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,134
Gavin Sinclair Offline
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Gavin Sinclair  Offline
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Posts: 1,134
Conover, North Carolina, USA
I think you have the makings of something here, Travis. Simple, direct, emotional and visual.

The first two lines are in the present tense, while the rest in the past. You might want to fix that.

For me, the bridge is not as good as the rest. It's that last line. You have kind of put us there with them, and I don't think he would be trying to figure out a definition at that point smile You might be better to use that line to describe a concrete thought or action. Maybe something like...

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Was she, could she really be mine?

#1164427 - 05/15/20 01:43 AM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,867
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Gavin
Thanks for pointing out the errors I've also used your idea for the bridge partly
Thanks, hope all is well with you and yours?
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1164456 - 05/17/20 05:54 AM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,867
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
A further rewrite on this
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1164670 - 05/25/20 09:17 PM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 636
Moosesong Offline
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Moosesong  Offline
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Posts: 636
Roseville, CA, USA
This is good. The fireplace fire, craving more, burning down but still warmth left afterwards adds a lot to feel of the story. The revision of the bridge is a good improvement.
Nice.


Staying 6 feet away is better than being 6 feet under.
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#1164780 - 05/28/20 06:52 PM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 242
Bill Draper Offline
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Bill Draper  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 242
Victoria,BC Canada
Hello Travis david,
I like the lyric too. cold/warm themes could be a metephor for renewed love.

I just worked on your verse meter a bit:

So happy for this love, that we'd (lost then) found
treading carefully first, this second time around

Bill

#1164926 - 06/02/20 11:52 AM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,867
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks guys appreciate your nice comnents
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

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