Who's Online Now
26 registered members (coder, Dave Rice, 9ne, CTthomas, couchgrouch, E Swartz, Everett Adams, AntonyRobWells, Brian Austin Whitney, 3 invisible), and 375 guests, and
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Shout Box
Member Spotlight
Ricki E. Bellos
Ricki E. Bellos
Wisconsin
Posts: 6,894
Joined: April 2008
Show All Member Profiles 
What's Going On
Edit: ALL Corona Virus Post MUST Go Here
by John Lawrence Schick. 07/13/20 12:30 PM
NEW MEMBERS CHECK HERE
by 9ne. 07/13/20 11:27 AM
Made in America, an oldie revised
by Gavin Sinclair. 07/13/20 11:04 AM
Any producer looking for a song/hook writer?
by Fdemetrio. 07/13/20 10:50 AM
Rare old times. Travis and Vic
by Travis david. 07/13/20 08:33 AM
What did you do in the war dad?
by Travis david. 07/13/20 07:20 AM
This Far Before
by Travis david. 07/13/20 07:12 AM
Cupid Got Mad
by RossM. 07/13/20 06:15 AM
You Shine // just added Ourstage link
by John W. Selleck. 07/13/20 12:15 AM
The Lord Your God
by E Swartz. 07/12/20 10:10 PM
New York City Cowboy
by E Swartz. 07/12/20 09:57 PM
SPF 15
by E Swartz. 07/12/20 09:29 PM
In Silence (NIkki Nikita's lyrics)
by Guy E. Trepanier. 07/12/20 06:55 PM
Anyone seen Mackie H. lately?
by E Swartz. 07/12/20 05:49 PM
So Where Does Your Song Rank On Ourstage?
by John W. Selleck. 07/12/20 01:36 PM
SHOWCASE: LYRICS/SONGS/ESSAYS BY GARY E. ANDREWS
by Gary E. Andrews. 07/11/20 10:11 PM
Let's Agree to Disagree
by John W. Selleck. 07/11/20 06:50 PM
A part of me
by John W. Selleck. 07/11/20 06:05 PM
Publishing Adm Services
by John W. Selleck. 07/11/20 12:30 AM
This body that I see
by John W. Selleck. 07/10/20 06:31 PM
Can't Make You Love Me
by Songbird52. 07/10/20 10:25 AM
Angels?
by Vicarn. 07/09/20 07:39 AM
A Daydream Night
by Fdemetrio. 07/08/20 09:42 PM
I Can’t Wait To Fall Asleep Tonight
by CTthomas. 07/08/20 08:40 PM
Eternal Twilight
by Two Singers. 07/08/20 07:42 PM
White Trash Diaper Rash (video)
by Martin Lide. 07/08/20 07:39 PM
Natural Melodies?
by John W. Selleck. 07/08/20 05:42 PM
URIAH KEENE( Rewrite 3)
by Travis david. 07/08/20 04:25 PM
Wisdom's Jungle Wilderness 3
by Perry Neal Crawford. 07/08/20 03:34 PM
Wisdom's Jungle Wilderness 2
by Perry Neal Crawford. 07/08/20 02:45 PM
Top Posters(All Time)
Calvin 19,834
Travis david 11,889
Kevin Emmrich 10,660
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,637
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 8,845
glynda 8,677
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
Colin Ward 7,909
couchgrouch 7,781
Dave Rice 7,710
Corey 7,357
Mark Kaufman 6,584
Vicarn 6,579
Wyman Lloyd 6,578
ben willis 6,107
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
niteshift 5,683
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,666
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,376
Roy Cooper 4,241
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,179
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,104
nightengale 4,096
MFB III 3,926
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,814
Dan Sullivan 3,710
beechnut79 3,580
E Swartz 3,491
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
Nigel Quin 2,842
MidniteBob 2,712
Nelson 2,603
Tom Tracy 2,558
Polly Hager 2,526
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Fdemetrio 2,391
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,242
Judy Hollier 2,232
Wendy D 2,219
Erica Ellis 2,202
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,027
maccharles 1,988
DukeWill 1,988
floyd jane 1,985
Martin Lide 1,970
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,650
Noel Downs 1,620
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
Jack Swain 1,554
GocartMoz 1,552
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
Tom Franz 1,473
RogerS 1,471
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Kenneth Cade 1,429
Rick Norton 1,428
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,408
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
Deej56 1,298
scottandrew 1,292
DakLander 1,265
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,230
Glen King 1,214
Gerry 1,210
IdeaGuy 1,209
lane1777 1,177
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,169
Diane Ewing 1,158
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
Tony A 1,016
IronKnee 1,008
argo 986
peaden 984
Wolvman 960
90 dB 942
9ne 924
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
ant 747
Andy K 746
tbryson 737
Andy Kemp 734
Jackie444 731
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Irwin 666
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
Pat Hardy 637
quality 637
Moosesong 636
CG King 622
douglas 621
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 589
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
JAPOV 563
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
R&M 525
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 511
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
Rob L 426
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Cecilee 379
ckiphen 378
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
spidey 371
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
#1164396 - 05/14/20 05:48 AM WINTER NIGHT. Rewrite 3  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 3 Thanks to Gavin on JPF)

The gardens blanket glittered silver and white
Jack Frost's dance,was captured in the moonlight.
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
No dream she's really mine

MUSIC

V
So happy for this love that we'd found
treading carefully first for this second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
nobody in this world that I'd longed to spend, that winter night
.

OUTRO
Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny

Sent from my Huawei phone

---------------
WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 2Thanks to Gavin on JPF)
V
Frost danced, captured in the moonlight
the gardens blanket glittered silver and white
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, but how we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Could she really be mine?

MUSIC
V
So happy for this love we hoped we'd found
at first caution, cos for us our second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
kissed, climbed the stairs, a bed to share
together, that winter's night.

OUTRO
Love for her so strong, now so impossible to deny

---------------——------

WINTER NIGHT. ( REWRITE 1)
V
Frost danced captured by the moonlight
its blanket glowed like tinsel silver and white
With our arms wound around each other so tight
we shivered, we laughed, on that cold winter night.
V
Drew the curtains soon as we closed the door
firewood crackled, as if saying, put on some more
Warmed up, rubbed her frozen fingers that'd turned white
lost in her deep brown eyes, on a cold winter's night

B

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Could she really be mine?


MUSIC
V
So happy for this love we knew we'd found
first tinged with caution for our second time around
As the last embers died, and it approached daylight
We'd kiss and climb the stairs, from our winter's night.

OUTRO
Love so strong so impossible to deny


Last edited by Travis david; 05/17/20 11:20 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1164420 - 05/14/20 08:50 PM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,139
Gavin Sinclair Online content
Top 500 Poster
Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
Top 500 Poster

Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,139
Conover, North Carolina, USA
I think you have the makings of something here, Travis. Simple, direct, emotional and visual.

The first two lines are in the present tense, while the rest in the past. You might want to fix that.

For me, the bridge is not as good as the rest. It's that last line. You have kind of put us there with them, and I don't think he would be trying to figure out a definition at that point smile You might be better to use that line to describe a concrete thought or action. Maybe something like...

We sat there drinking mulled wine
my love for her overpowered me
Was she, could she really be mine?

#1164427 - 05/15/20 01:43 AM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Gavin
Thanks for pointing out the errors I've also used your idea for the bridge partly
Thanks, hope all is well with you and yours?
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1164456 - 05/17/20 05:54 AM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
A further rewrite on this
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1164670 - 05/25/20 09:17 PM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 636
Moosesong Offline
Top 500 Poster
Moosesong  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 636
Roseville, CA, USA
This is good. The fireplace fire, craving more, burning down but still warmth left afterwards adds a lot to feel of the story. The revision of the bridge is a good improvement.
Nice.


Staying 6 feet away is better than being 6 feet under.
Music page
www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandid=707030

#1164780 - 05/28/20 06:52 PM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 244
Bill Draper Offline
Serious Contributor
Bill Draper  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 244
Victoria,BC Canada
Hello Travis david,
I like the lyric too. cold/warm themes could be a metephor for renewed love.

I just worked on your verse meter a bit:

So happy for this love, that we'd (lost then) found
treading carefully first, this second time around

Bill

#1164926 - 06/02/20 11:52 AM Re: WINTER NIGHT [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Travis david Online content
Top 10 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,889
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks guys appreciate your nice comnents
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Membership
Join Just Plain Folks
to receive the free
JPNotes Newsletter!
*this is separate from
message board registration*

Newest Members
CraigAllen, Styillz, Cloudrider, Don1955, Autumn22
21281 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums116
Topics120,532
Posts1,134,116
Members21,281
Average Posts Daily41
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"The great thing about a dream come true, is that it is born with a great appetite. That appetite keeps it growing and evolving and it swallows up all those other dreams you have and spits them back out as reality as well." -Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
No Birthdays
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0