10 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill),
4,088
guests, and
270
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2 |
Just piano/vocal on this one - does it work? Any comments welcome Brave FaceWhen I go to bed in the evenin' And the darkness fills the room I'm haunted by these feelings of being alone They say "Put one foot 'front of the other" They say that "Time will heal the wounds" But it's been so long now I wonder if that's gonna do 'Cause when you lose someone so precious When you lose someone so dear The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear I put a brave face on in the morning People talk to it all day And if they notice anything wrong they just don't say When you lose someone so precious When you lose someone so dear The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear So I'll put my brave face on in the morning Let people talk to it all day And if they notice anything wrong I hope they won't say..
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28 |
Works for me Paul...melody, piano, vocals, lyric...a complete song in my books
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,668 Likes: 42
Top 50 Poster
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,668 Likes: 42 |
(Verse I)
When I go to bed in the evenin' (Sounds like you sing 'go DO bed'. Enunciating 'to' more deliberately might be better.) And the darkness fills the room (Do you need 'And' to open this Line?) I'm haunted by these feelings of being alone
(Verse II)
They say "Put one foot 'front of the other" They say that "Time will heal the wounds" ('the' wounds is abstract. Can the Singer-Character 'own' it with 'your wounds'?) But it's been so long now I wonder if that's gonna do (Can you delete 'But'? The word 'if' needs more enunciation. You seem to deliver the end of this Line as if it doesn't matter if they get the words or not. It matters.)
(Chorus?)
'Cause when you lose someone so precious (Can you delete 'Cause'?) When you lose someone so dear The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear
(This third Stanza, above, is in the place where I would expect the Chorus. It has it's own Melody, is four Lines as opposed to the three-Line Verses preceding it. But it seems to do more 'exposition' of the storyline, as expected in a Verse, and THE Hook, the title, isn't in it. The first 'hit' on THE Hook is in a Verse III, below. It doesn't seem to be emphasized in position and Melody as THE gist of the storyline, the main idea of the Song.)
(Verse III)(This might work better as Verse I, opening the Song with THE Hook.)
I put a Brave Face on in the morning (Again, 'a Brave Face' is abstract. Owning it, 'my Brave Face' seems stronger.) People talk to it all day And if they notice anything wrong they just don't say (Delete 'And'?)
(Instrumental Bridge here seems out of place. The function of a Bridge is to break Repetition with Change, enabling a final giving of a Chorus. It usually follows a second giving of the Chorus, eliminating the need for a Verse III.) (Flipping the Lines, as below, might be stronger. The words "When you lose someone...", Repeated, seem to emphasize that idea.)
The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear When you lose someone so precious When you lose someone so dear
(Verse IV)
So I'll put my Brave Face on in the morning (Delete 'So'?) Let people talk to it all day And if they notice anything wrong I hope they won't say.. (Delete 'And'?)
(You only 'hit' THE Hook, "Brave Face", twice. Three is about minimum to drive that idea home as THE Hook, the main idea. The second 'hit' comes way at the end. I think I would remember those words, but position and the two-hit Structure are risky in that regard, memorability.)
A REWRITE:
(Verse I)
I put my Brave Face on in the morning People talk to it all day If they notice anything wrong they just don't say.
(Verse II)
When I go to bed in the evening the darkness fills the room I'm haunted by these feelings of being alone
(Chorus)
The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear When you lose someone so precious When you lose someone so dear
(Verse III)
They say "Put one foot 'front of the other" They say that "Time will heal your wounds" It's been so long now I wonder if that's gonna do
(Chorus)
The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear When you lose someone so precious When you lose someone so dear
(Instrumental Bridge, if time allows, if still needed.)
(Coda)
I put my Brave Face on in the morning Let people talk to it all day If they notice anything wrong I hope they don't say
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 844 Likes: 1 |
Just piano/vocal on this one - does it work? Any comments welcome Brave FaceWhen I go to bed in the evenin' And the darkness fills the room I'm haunted by these feelings of being alone They say "Put one foot 'front of the other" They say that "Time will heal the wounds" But it's been so long now I wonder if that's gonna do 'Cause when you lose someone so precious When you lose someone so dear The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear I put a brave face on in the morning People talk to it all day And if they notice anything wrong they just don't say When you lose someone so precious When you lose someone so dear The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear So I'll put my brave face on in the morning Let people talk to it all day And if they notice anything wrong I hope they won't say.. How did you get Jackson Brown to play the Piano on your Demo??? Sounds like you've listened to the LOAD OUT/STAY a few times brother.... LOVE IT & any Jackson Browne type Piano tune
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,831
Top 30 Poster
|
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,831 |
Morning, Paul:
Great write. Like the others, I enjoyed the piano backing but thought you were "at the top of your vocal range" in places. Didn't keep me from really loving what you've done... and yes, the piano backing alone works well.
Best of luck with this... and in all your music. We are so lucky to have so many budding "stars" here at JPF.
----Dave
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916 Likes: 9
Top 40 Poster
|
Top 40 Poster
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 6,916 Likes: 9 |
Hi Paul. Maybe Dave has a point about the vocal. Maybe dropping the key a tone would ease the straining on certain words. I have a similar problem with low notes now. Nice song nevertheless.
Vic
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2 |
Works for me Paul...melody, piano, vocals, lyric...a complete song in my books Hi John - thanks for that - nice to see you here Gary - thanks for the detailed review - a few notes on your comments below: (Verse I) When I go to bed in the evenin' (Sounds like you sing 'go DO bed'. Enunciating 'to' more deliberately might be better.) good catch I'll fix thatAnd the darkness fills the room (Do you need 'And' to open this Line?) yes - it defines the melodyI'm haunted by these feelings of being alone (Verse II) They say "Put one foot 'front of the other" They say that "Time will heal the wounds" ('the' wounds is abstract. Can the Singer-Character 'own' it with 'your wounds'?) - maybe but 'the' is easier to sing here
But it's been so long now I wonder if that's gonna do (Can you delete 'But'? The word 'if' needs more enunciation. You seem to deliver the end of this Line as if it doesn't matter if they get the words or not. It matters.) - "but" serves a purpose lyrically to me(Chorus?) 'Cause when you lose someone so precious (Can you delete 'Cause'?) - nope - it carries the melody lineWhen you lose someone so dear The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear (This third Stanza, above, is in the place where I would expect the Chorus. It has it's own Melody, is four Lines as opposed to the three-Line Verses preceding it. But it seems to do more 'exposition' of the storyline, as expected in a Verse, and THE Hook, the title, isn't in it. The first 'hit' on THE Hook is in a Verse III, below. It doesn't seem to be emphasized in position and Melody as THE gist of the storyline, the main idea of the Song.) (Verse III)(This might work better as Verse I, opening the Song with THE Hook.) - this is a AABA(BA) structure - there is no chorus. The underplaying of the hook is intentional - repeating it would cheapen the song IMO. The protagonist here hopes people don't recognize he is in pain - thus he sings "I hope they don't say". Seems to me he wouldn't be the type to over-emphasize the fact that he was putting on a brave face. I'm probably wrong. but I like to "serve the song" and this isn't a hooky song - at least lyrically I put a Brave Face on in the morning (Again, 'a Brave Face' is abstract. Owning it, 'my Brave Face' seems stronger.) - I'm OK with 'a' here - it changes to "my" in the last stanza to keep interest
People talk to it all day And if they notice anything wrong they just don't say (Delete 'And'?) - 'And' carries the melody(Instrumental Bridge here seems out of place. The function of a Bridge is to break Repetition with Change, enabling a final giving of a Chorus. It usually follows a second giving of the Chorus, eliminating the need for a Verse III.) (Flipping the Lines, as below, might be stronger. The words "When you lose someone...", Repeated, seem to emphasize that idea.) The aching and the longing Never seem to disappear When you lose someone so precious When you lose someone so dear - This isn't an "instrumental bridge" - it's a solo played over a verse progression. I suggest you have a look at AABA song structures - they really are quite popular (Verse IV) So I'll put my Brave Face on in the morning (Delete 'So'?) - it serves a lyrical purposeLet people talk to it all day And if they notice anything wrong I hope they won't say.. (Delete 'And'?) - carries the melody
(You only 'hit' THE Hook, "Brave Face", twice. Three is about minimum to drive that idea home as THE Hook, the main idea. The second 'hit' comes way at the end. I think I would remember those words, but position and the two-hit Structure are risky in that regard, memorability.) - I'm OK with just two repeats of the title. Rules are made to be broken!
Seriously though Gary, I appreciate you taking the time and I hope I've explained my logic, twisted as it might be
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2 |
How did you get Jackson Brown to play the Piano on your Demo??? Sounds like you've listened to the LOAD OUT/STAY a few times brother....
LOVE IT & any Jackson Browne type Piano tune
Haha - I love Jackson Brown so I'll take that comment any day. Thanks for listening Steve Morning, Paul:
Great write. Like the others, I enjoyed the piano backing but thought you were "at the top of your vocal range" in places. Didn't keep me from really loving what you've done... and yes, the piano backing alone works well.
Best of luck with this... and in all your music. We are so lucky to have so many budding "stars" here at JPF.
----Dave cheers Dave - well I'm a bit too old to be budding anything Good point on the vocal - I often get that comment when I sing high - time to start paying attention to it! Hi Paul. Maybe Dave has a point about the vocal. Maybe dropping the key a tone would ease the straining on certain words. I have a similar problem with low notes now. Nice song nevertheless.
Vic Thanks Vic - always good to get your feedback. Cheers Paul
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
|
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1 |
Paul,
Yeah, definitely a Jackson Browne feel to this—piano is nicely done. I agree with others that playing this even a half step down will make that vocal resonate a bit more on those higher notes. But it’s a solid vocal, as always.
I’m wondering whether on that last line of the second verse ending with “ . . . if that’s going to do,” you might sing the “do” a note higher—the slight variation on melody might be a nice shift into the chorus and add some variation from the other verses. That’s actually where I thought you were going to go with it on first listen—though the second/third time around, I’m undecided on that. Regardless, it's nothing more than an artistic preference and a really minor one at that--just mentioning for what its worth nontheless.
Like the simple arrangement. I think it’s pretty compelling as is.
All the best,
Deej
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2 |
Thanks Deej You know, that line "if that's gonna do" has always felt like a placeholder and you're right to mention it as being out-of-place. So I'm changing it to "if that's really true". Makes more sense now - but took a while to reveal itself to me Thanks for the kind words - and pointing out that nit Paul
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,174
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,174 |
It's kind of an odd structure. But I've written a few with those odd structures myself. This works because it moves. Most people have had to put on the brave face after a breakup. Like Steve, I wanted to start singing: "Oh won't you stay...ay... ay just a little bit longer,
Summeoyo
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 211 Likes: 2 |
It's kind of an odd structure. But I've written a few with those odd structures myself. This works because it moves. Most people have had to put on the brave face after a breakup. Like Steve, I wanted to start singing: "Oh won't you stay...ay... ay just a little bit longer,
Summeoyo Thanks Summeoyo - I was thinking this guys partner passed away - but I guess break-up works too Thanks for listening and taking the time to comment Paul
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|