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First, I thank Travis for the original idea in a lyric he posted a couple of weeks ago called "Searched for a rose" and a couple of lines on this one. Sorry, but it's another sad one and maybe a little long but I think it needs to be to tell the tale. Can you figure what it's about? Vic https://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold/roseRose ©2020 Vic Arnold V1 It was a cry in the dark for assistance and my hand grabbed a gun from the drawer footsteps ran off in the distance and a body lay still on the floor V2 The jury were swayed by my previous and I sure was no angel before The motive they claimed was insurance but I don't give a damn anymore Ch. The dark queen rains down but the sun wears the crown and paints up the sky 'til she glows This isn't the day today but who knows? Maybe tomorrow I will find my Rose. Yes! Maybe tomorrow I will find my Rose. V3 Some days go quicker than others Doors sometimes open, then close But between this rock and a hard place there's always room for a rose V4 I'm certain that fate holds the answer What goes around, comes back around and in the old forever after, surely, what's lost will be found Ch. Inst. Br. My heart is pounding. It's time to go, and it seems a long walk down this cold corridoor I hear a voice praying. My mind's in repose but my eyes are open to look for my Rose. Ch.
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Great story. Real poetry. It gave me chills.
What it's about -- death penalty for murder. But I don't know what the Rose is.
Last edited by Songbird52; 06/29/20 02:55 PM.
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Hey all,
I did a read through quick and then listened...and something stood out to me very quickly in the LYRIC (sorry Travis LOL)
The jury were swayed by my previous and I sure was no angel before The motive they claimed was insurance but I don't give a damn anymore
Here in the States previous would never be used to soley describe someone in this situation, it would almost always be "priors"....You could say "previous transgressions", or "previous record"...But standing alone, at least here in the USA, no one would ever use "previous" in this way...It will mess up your insurance line, but maybe you can put insurance at the beginning of line & get a different rhyme?
3 options would be:
1. "by my priors", 2. "by my record"...3. "by my rap sheet"
Just a thought
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I think "previous" is fine, I could easily understand what it meant.
Last edited by Songbird52; 06/29/20 03:21 PM.
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The "previous" line doesn't make any sense. You can't end a statement with the word "previous". And the first vs doesn't make any sense, either. I have no idea what the chorus is about.
Think of a hook, then write TO the hook with coherent vss.
If you want to write a puzzle, fine. But when you fit the pieces together, the result still has to look like the picture on the box.
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Hi CK. Thanks and glad it got to you. The clue is in the insurance.
Vic
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Is it something to do with a love triangle? The wife got killed, so they suspected for insurance, and the killer was protecting the lover? Whose name is Rose?
I don't think that's exactly right, just a guess.
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Songbird, I admire your tenacity ( and sincerity) in trying to make sense of this but you just came close to describing my lyric in Lyric 3 called I've Got Her Right Where She Wants Me. (Without the baffling "rose" part. Is Rose the sister of Rosemary?)
I'm just being goofy...
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Songbird, I admire your tenacity ( and sincerity) in trying to make sense of this but you just came close to describing my lyric in Lyric 3 called I've Got Her Right Where She Wants Me. (Without the baffling "rose" part. Is Rose the sister of Rosemary?)
I'm just being goofy... Where is your lyric? Do I get a prize if I figure this out?
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It's on Lyric Forum 3.
And I'm just goofying around. The Riddler would be confounded by this song but that's just my view.
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It's on Lyric Forum 3.
And I'm just goofying around. The Riddler would be confounded by this song but that's just my view. Ok I think I got it. I read yours, which explains it. The killer shot his lover's husband. But it wasn't for insurance -- it was because he was protecting her from him. Oh but I don't know what or who Rose is. Maybe she got killed also, and he's waiting to see her in heaven.
Last edited by Songbird52; 06/29/20 07:40 PM.
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Hi Vic... and Travis for his part:
Being somewhat of an "Anglophile"... and I include Scotsmen and Welsh Cousins in that category... I had no problem with the lyric. Great story-line and performance. A sad, folksy tale about an innocent man (well, he said so!) LOL! being condemned for the death of his "Rose." That's my take and only you can convince me I'm wrong! Thanks for sharing, Vic. I hope you guys are holding up well to the ravages of the Pandemic.
All the best, ----Dave
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As Vic stated, a couple of ideas were used from a lyric that was aborted. The story isn't complicated. The comment from Steve pointing out that previous isn't used in the states is a valid point if Vic's song was aimed at a US market. The song to my ears is probably more an English/ Gaelic folk song. Couch' assumption that the "previous" line doesn't make any sense and You can't end a statement with previous" begs the question, why not? Previous is a term widely used by the police here meaning other convictions, a police record etc The song is a dirge, that's fine I don't mind that, I like it. Good luck with it Vic
Last edited by Travis david; 06/30/20 03:28 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi Steve. Don't blame Travis it was all my doing. I had a feeling some may not get "previous" in the US although the term is very common in the UK. Maybe it was a chance to export one of our phrases over there in return for the ones we imported. :-) Thank you for your thoughts.
Vic
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It's a British phrase? Ok. Previous conviction for what? Murder? Double-parking? Why was he arrested? On what evidence? A motive isn't evidence. Otherwise, every recipient of life insurance would be arrested if the deceased's death was suspect. You don't need a whole vs on it, just a few words. See Long Black Veil as an example.
The song isn't believable and it doesn't make sense. At least the first vs. needs to be rewritten, then drop the Rose/rose idea. It pulls the song in two directions.
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Couch, I thought you said you'd never comment on my posts again which I thought a little sad. However:
I write for people with a certain amount of understanding and imagination. Your writing style seems a little more condescending toward your reader. Are you really saying you can't work it out for yourself? Surely not. Others can do it. Why not you? Why does it matter what his previous was? Isn't it enough to say that the jury was swayed by it. The insurance pay out was seen as the motive, are you saying I should have written "insurance pay out? I despair.
I see you already have fallen in that "previous" is a British phrase so I won't reply to that though I'm surprised that some of your countrymen got it but you didn't. But then I think you probably did.
Vic
Last edited by Vicarn; 06/30/20 10:25 AM.
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I could never trust a guy who ends a line with negligee.Making it sound like a line from a 1930s novel. Commonly found in a tramps rescue centre in down town Grimsby. I understand.
Last edited by Travis david; 06/30/20 10:35 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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The jury is secondary. Why was he arrested? And I said I wouldn't comment on Travis'. At least not for awhile. All you need is a few words ro explain why you were charged with murder. The first commenters on this post didn't understand your song, and rightly so.
What is it you're defending, Vic? The right to post poorly written and structured songs without them being critiqued?
Travis, you don't want to get into an argument with me about writing. You've been on here for years and you write like you don't know what you're doing.
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Lol" "Travis, you don't want to get into an argument with me about writing" Certainly not, you're a published writer, I remember you giving it a mention. And it's certainly made you a loveable, popular, fun loving friendly guy. All credit to you for that.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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I really hate to agree with the Couch and I don't on most of his remarks or his tone. Maybe I can be more critical because I don't find others' work bad for a hobby. I don't agree that you need to know what his "previous" was, just that the jury was swayed by it (presumably in the sentencing phase, as they wouldn't get to hear it in the earlier phases of the trial). This method of sentencing, the fact he has a gun in his drawer and the death penalty would seem to place the song in America. Where I do agree with the upholstered one is that it's hard to figure out what this is all about. I don't feel I need it explained to me in essay form, but I don't know who was shot by whom or why. I suspect it's someone called Rose, but that's as far as I've got. It is entirely possible that I am just being a bit thick Also, "The dark queen rains down" is not one of your best lines. A queen raining? Or is it a play on words for "reigning?" But you can't reign down. I don't think this metaphor works very well. I like the music. It has a good old time folk feel to it and it's well delivered. I hope I don't come across as negative. I just feel this is basically a good song that could be improved.
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Thanks Dave. I'm glad you got it.
Vic
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Couch. Now you're just being silly. Why do you suppose he was arrested?
He grabs a gun. Someone gets shot close by and he hears footsteps run away so there's a good bet the body wasn't the one running away. Is it sinking in yet?
Oh and I'm not the one arrested so I don't have to defend it. I'm just trying to educate you out of the dime store novel style of writing but I regret it's not currently possible in your frame of mind. Also, what makes you say the first commenters didn't understand it?
I'd love to see you do a critique of some of Dylan's lyrics but I suppose that would be like denying the emperor' new clothes to you.
Vic
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Gavin. The voice of reason.
You sound like you did understand it. You certainly got the fact that Rose was the victim without explanation from me.
Maybe "DARK QUEEN" of rain and SUN wearing the CROWN was a little over metaphoric but it seemed ok to me at the time.
Thank you for joining this merry throng.
Vic
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Vic & Travis, Vic you thought the use of previous may be an issue? Well you guys got it tough because you are presenting songs on a FORUM where there are many Americans. Not sure how you bridge that gap as a songwriting team. I never gave a thought as to how anyone outside the US would understand my songs. Unique situation for you guys for sure. Your gonna find yourselves having to explain a LYRIC more than you would like because of your oversees songwriting tandem. BYW Vic, when I had to explain my use of the word “slips” it to Tessie in “Spread your wings & fly” to you and the meaning I really didn’t want to. I personally feel I should never have to explain a LYRIC if I did my job correctly. If I need to explain my LYRIC, I definitely wasn’t clear, at least to that listener. I looked up UK words or phrases Americans don’t use and while I didn’t see “previous” to mean “priors”, I will defer to your knowledge of the Language and slang oversees. There are many, many words I saw on the list which would be foreign to me and visa-versa. At this point I am assuming based on what you said, Brits use “previous” the way we use “priors” here in our prison system. I now “get it” based on your explanation, that “previous” has the EXACT same meaning as “priors” here in the US. So, you would not necessarily need to say what the previous or priors actually are. If I wrote “priors” in this song, I wouldn’t need to say what those priors are necessarily in all instances. When people in the prison system here in the US talk about their criminal backgrounds, they will generally use the phrase “priors” to mean all their previous criminal history lumped into ONE WORD, “priors”. They may or may not choose to elaborate what that prior was. In the UK the term is “previous”. It’s just not plural like “priors”, which makes it a tad bit quirky... Anyways, if that IS THE CASE, then in this instance previous works exactly the same as priors... Disregard my previous...
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the common term used in the uk courts and press is Previous Convictions, all the best,john
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Thanks, Steve. "Previous" is a slang term in the UK so maybe not in official reports but it is widely used among police and law court officials.
Vic
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Thank you John. I know that is the correct term. I was using the vernacular that the police and cons use. Obviously it doesn't connect with the US so I may have to rewrite.
Vic
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Ok. Due to a few helpful comments I decided to do version 2 to make it clearer for our American friends as the story is set in America. Thanks to all that helped with advice.
Vic
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Hi Vic, the main problem I have is the gun in the drawer, but that's by and by the title instantly reminded me of the great song, In Search Of A Rose https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHwE9jkzM9sall the best,john
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I've not heard that one before, John. Short and sweet. Vic.
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Waterboys Vic Wherever I wonder I wonder. Mike Scott composition
Last edited by Travis david; 07/01/20 11:02 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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I thought that I had previously commented on this song, but dont see the comment. Pretty song. Enjoyed it.
Checked! I did comment. Well, liked it again.
Martin
Last edited by Martin Lide; 07/03/20 06:42 PM.
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Yeah me too, and I just see more "hey look at me" critiquing.....
Vic getting tough too I like it....
And other noobs, it appears it will take time before they figure out who's on their side and isnt.
Yes somebody please critique Jokerman... Love the song for it's beauty and poetic leanings, but as far as meaning....huh?
Standing on the waters casting your bread While the eyes of the idol with the iron head are glowing Distant ships sailing into the mist, You were born with a snake in both of your fists while a hurricane was blowing Freedom just around the corner for you But with the truth so far off, what good will it do?
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, Bird fly high by the light of the moon, Oh, oh, oh, Jokerman
So swiftly the sun sets in the sky, You rise up and say goodbye to no one Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, Both of their futures, so full of dread, you don't show why Shedding off one more layer of skin, Keeping one step ahead of the persecutor within
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, Bird fly high by the light of the moon, Oh, oh, oh, Jokerman
You're a man of the mountains, you can walk on the clouds, Manipulator of crowds, you're a dream twister You're going to Sodom and Gomorrah But what do you care? Ain't nobody there would want to marry your sister Friend to the martyr, a friend to the woman of shame, You look into the fiery furnace, see the rich man without any name
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, Bird fly high by the light of the moon, Oh, oh, oh, Jokerman
Well, the Book of Leviticus and Deuteronomy, The law of the jungle and the sea are your only teachers In the smoke of the twilight on a milk-white steed, Michelangelo indeed could've carved out your features Resting in the fields, far from the turbulent space, Half asleep near the stars with a small dog licking your face
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, Bird fly high by the light of the moon, Oh, oh, oh, Jokerman
Well, the rifleman's stalking the sick and the lame, Preacherman seeks the same, who'll get there first is uncertain Nightsticks and water cannons, tear gas, padlocks, Molotov cocktails and rocks behind every curtain, False-hearted judges dying in the webs that they spin, Only a matter of time 'til night comes steppin' in
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, Bird fly high by the light of the moon, Oh, oh, oh, Jokerman
It's a shadowy world, skies are slippery gray, A woman just gave birth to a prince today and dressed him in scarlet He'll put the priest in his pocket, put the blade to the heat, Take the motherless children off the street And place them at the feet of a harlot Oh, Jokerman, you know what he wants, Oh, Jokerman, you don't show any response
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, Bird fly high by the light of the moon, Oh, oh, oh, Jokerman
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 07/03/20 09:31 PM.
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