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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 515
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OP
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It's been awhile...hopefully I can get back into the swing of writing again. Thanks in advance for looking...
Tony
I'VE GOT THE MEMORIES
1st verse
You walked away so easily
Like we didn't mean a thing
No goodbye kiss left tenderly
That hurt more than you might think
I still don't really understand
Just accepted that you've gone
You broke my heart and made me cry
But I don't feel so alone
chorus
I've got the memories
Of happier times
You packed all the pictures
But not the ones in my mind
I close my eyes...you're still here
Though only I can see
You took almost everything
But I've got the memories
2nd verse
We'd go for rides in my old truck
Just to watch the rising moon
A father's work is never done
My job ended way too soon
Goodnight hugs and talks til morning
What I'd give to talk tonight
Someday you might come back to me
If you don't I'll still get by
chorus
I've got the memories
Of happier times
You packed all the pictures
But not the ones in my mind
I close my eyes...you're still here
Though only I can see
You took almost everything
But I've got the memories
bridge
In case you're wondering
I'm waiting right here
Tomorrow's in question
But yesterday's clear
chorus
I've got the memories
Of happier times
You packed all the pictures
But not the ones in my mind
I close my eyes...you're still here
Though only I can see
You took almost everything
But I've got the memories
Copyright 2003 Tony Gunter
all rights reserved
[This message has been edited by Perfectpitch (edited 12-21-2003).]
[This message has been edited by Perfectpitch (edited 12-22-2003).]
[This message has been edited by Perfectpitch (edited 12-24-2003).]
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
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Nice and Tight,Good Thought progression, Left plenty of room for Music...... Looks Good, Tony. ![[Linked Image]](http://www.justplainfolks.org/ubb/smile.gif) .. Really Nice to see ya posting.... Best Wishes....... Kaley
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Don't look like you've lost a lick to me.
Nice write, Tony. Good to see ya posting again.
dawg
Wisdom does not always accompany age. Sometimes
age just shows up alone.
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Posts: 11,806
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Howdy good buddy Tony! Gee it is sure great to see another from the pen of the Guntherman. You have been missed. Looks like you have just been saving up the good stuff for awhile, huh? I think this one is about ready for music. Only nit I saw is probably a typo in the chorus. I suspect you either left out the A in this line:
Of A happier time...or else it would have to read 'Of happier TIMES' (plural). Either way it is minor. Figured I would catch that li'l thang or someone else would. I think this is a very solid lyric that a lotta folks will be able to relate to. This could go either male or female vocals on it...but it feels like a male song to me...despite the crying in it.
Hope this gets the great music it deserves.
Bobbie
They'll tell you success in the music biz is all about who you know...but the truth is...it's about who knows you. Gallup 'n Dawg Music
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Tony,
Nicely written. The one thing that didn't sit right with me was V1,L3-4- I can't imagine why a tender goodbye kiss would be expected in this situation.
Bill
------------------
We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 95
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Hello Tony,
I think this is pretty good, although I do have a few minor reservations about certain things.
The goodbye kiss has been mentioned, and I agree that it seems an unusual expectation. However, the fact that the person leaving would also take all the pictures suggests that the split might be amicable. If that's the case, it might help to signal it more clearly. Generally, I like the verses, although I might suggest taking out a few superfluous words.
I can't settle with the chorus. Line 2 just doesn't quite sit right for me. I like the alliteration, but there's something too pre-meditated about the act of packing pictures. Line 3 also sounds a touch awkward. To me, the penultimate line ought to be...
"you took almost everything",
but its a close call on that one.
I can't think how to get around the picture packing problem, so how about something like....
I've got the memories
Of happier times
You packed all the pictures
Except those in my mind
I close my eyes...they're still here
but only I can see
You took almost everything
But I've got the memories
Subtle change, but now its all about the pictures/memories.
Just trying to help,
Graham.a
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tony
no nits with the writing, it's first class all the way; edited oh it was your daughter leaving, hmmm ooops.
[This message has been edited by sweetjoyce (edited 12-21-2003).]
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Hi Ms Kaley...
Thanks a bunch for the look and the kind words.
Hello Dawg,
I appreciate your time and comments...it feels real nice to be back
Hiya Bobbie G,
Well one thing is for sure...I still am NO typist and my spelling hasn't gotten much better either!! thanks for the peek!!!
Tony
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Hi Bill,
Thanks for taking the time to read and critique this one. Since the person leaving is a daughter, I just felt like a kiss would be expected. Thanks again
Tony
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Good morning Graham,
Thanks for the help and the nice words. I slipped the almost in there...it was ALMOST everything, made more sense to me as well. Thank you again,
Tony
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Hi Joyce,
Thank you for the look and like. I wasn't clear in the writing that it was a daughter...I can see that now. I may have to twist it a bit to bring that out...2nd verse or maybe wait for the bridge...thanks again,
Tony
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Tony, back again...... couldn't pull from the song..that it was a daughter...... (least I couldn't)....so yes, think it would answer the questions...to do a subtle change up?.......having said that.... it pulls on my heart strings even more.... now.... best wishes, Kaley
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Thanks Kaley...I'll have to work on the flip so it is clear. I appreciate your thoughts,
Tony
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
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Hiya Tony, nice to see you back.
Good writing as always Tony, but if this is your daughter, you sure went out of your way to disguise it...especially in V2...so that's were you might make some changes.
Have a nice holiday!
Ciao
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Thanks for the look John!! I think you are right...v2 should be the right spot. Thanks again,
Tony
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Hi Tony,
I have to agree that I didn't get the daughter angle on this one until I read the replies.
The way you have this set up, having the payoff hit home on it being a daughter would definitely slam it into left field, maybe a home run. It would definitely be unexpected.
Especially love the line "You packed up all the pictures, but not the ones in my mind".
Merry Christmas,
RickW
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Hi Rick,
Thank you for looking too...just made some changes to verse 2...maybe it'll help. If not, I'll try some more. Thank you again and Merry Xmas to you,
Tony
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