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#338229 - 03/31/04 07:28 PM IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Don Martin (D) Offline
Serious Contributor
Don Martin (D)  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Ontario , Canada
hi everyone , here goes -


IN-BETWEEN

I'd be happy with you
I'd be happy without
it's the in-between
I'm talking about

please go away

I miss you so

created all of my dreams
and most of the pain
getting over it all
then I see you again

please go away

I miss you so

(chorus)
I WAS RIGHT ... BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG
I WAS INDEPENDENT ... AND AWFUL STRONG
I HAD PLANS AND GOALS ... AND A LOT TO GIVE
NOW THE IN-BETWEEN ... IS WHERE I LIVE

you can hug a friend
to let them know
but it isn't that
when you can't let go

please go away

I miss you so

you've been good to me
this has got to halt
you've been a friend
this is not your fault

please go away

I miss you so

(chorus)
I WAS RIGHT ... BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG
I WAS INDEPENDENT ... AND AWFUL STRONG
I HAD PLANS AND GOALS ... AND A LOT TO GIVE
NOW THE IN-BETWEEN ... IS WHERE I LIVE

call me soon
throw my number away
take off your coat
best be on your way

please go away

I miss you so

getting over you
you're in all my thoughts
getting better now
or maybe not


please go away

CAN'T YOU SEE I LOVE YOU !




[This message has been edited by Canadianryme (edited 04-27-2004).]

#338230 - 03/31/04 10:51 PM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,589
Linda Anthony Offline
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Linda Anthony  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,589
Maine
wow, that's how I feel most of the time hehe! I think you said it pretty good..I'll let others comment on meters, rythme schemes etc...to me it's fine!


My Sound Click

In a time of universal deceit, speaking truth is a revolutionary act", George Orwell

MySpace

http://www.mainesongwriters.com/members/feat_members.asp
#338231 - 03/31/04 11:03 PM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Kaley Willow Offline
Kaley Willow  Offline

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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
PA
Hi Rhyme and welcome..

I liked this too.....I'm sure..there's many
that can relate....to this one....
It's a different style than I write...and hope others will stop by and give more thought.... I'm thinking you were going for
a pop...or ...rock...type song?...

best wishes...
Kaley [Linked Image]

#338232 - 03/31/04 11:18 PM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,199
Bill Osofsky Offline
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Bill Osofsky  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,199
Utah
Hey Can,

I think it's got the makings of a pretty good lyric. I like how you alternate good/bad thoughts, but in you middle two verses you seem to lose that. Also, I don't know that "right" in L1 is the best word you can come up with there. Good luck with it

Bill


#338233 - 04/01/04 12:20 AM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Don Martin (D) Offline
Serious Contributor
Don Martin (D)  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Ontario , Canada
shooting for a situation in time people could relate to easily , so thank you for that reassurance . I have several areas I am still unsure of myself at this point - and I have noted bill's comments as areas to take a second look at again . Anyone know of a demo studio that can be recommended - I have a couple of songs ready for that next step ?

#338234 - 04/01/04 01:40 AM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,834
Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Posts: 19,834
Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Welcome Can,

I like it, but I agree with Bill about "right ".

Also--hault....halt

Keep up the good work.

Calvin

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewartmusic.htm

#338235 - 04/01/04 02:18 AM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Don Martin (D) Offline
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Don Martin (D)  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Ontario , Canada
thanks Calvin , I only wish I had found this site sooner than this afternoon - I'm amazed at the participation and honesty in comments so far . It will get a major second look for sure .

#338236 - 04/03/04 03:52 PM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 614
Mel Offline
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Mel  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 614
Indiana
Hi Canadian,
This is really cool. Sorry I didn't make it in sooner, but it will give you a bump. I hope you have plans for some music. I would like to hear where you go with it.

Mel

#338237 - 04/03/04 04:16 PM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 512
King Song o' Man Offline
Serious Contributor
King Song o' Man  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 512
Chelsea, Quebec, Canada
Hello fellow Canuck (I thinnk [Linked Image]),

I like the minimalist approach you took and the way you use the 'good/bad thoughts to support the "In-Between" title/theme.

As for a demo studio, I'll assume you're not looking to perform yourself and are asking about a studio via the net. Arguably on eof the best and most reasonably priced around is Bill Scull Jr., ScullSound productions based in Tampa. I've used him (as have others on the web) and his quality is just GREAT! Check him out. Try here...
http://hometown.aol.com/pressfat/index.html


Laziness breeds fatique - Passion breeds action
#338238 - 04/04/04 06:20 AM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,125
Idamarie Naelitz (D) Offline
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Idamarie Naelitz (D)  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,125
Lorain, Ohio, USA
Hi, Do you do your own music? This one is pretty cool. I hear this as an overlap- or overlay kind of Song. Don't know whether it should be country but, think it could be if it were done in that vein. One suggestion in the chorus
I was right before YOU came along
I was independent and_ Oh, so strong.

Awful just doesn't sing well for me.

Other than that it seems to me this is ready for the music. Idamarie

#338239 - 04/04/04 11:25 AM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,343
Bill Robinson Offline
Bill Robinson  Offline

Top 30 Poster

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,343
Curmudgeonville, Tn
Hi ryme
I really like this lyric. I think it would work in a few genres.
I agree with Bill on the second verse. It does not seem to fit the rest of the song. I'm pretty new at this but it seemed to read more like a bridge. Hope this helps.
JMHO

------------------
www.soundclick.com/billrobinson

Bill
Live with a song in your heart


Bill
http://www.soundclick.com/billrobinson
http://www.dreamqueststudio.com
Skype; bill.robinson12

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not." --Thomas Jefferson didn't say it

http://voidnow.org/
http://www.americansworking.com/
#338240 - 04/04/04 11:53 AM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,343
Bill Robinson Offline
Bill Robinson  Offline

Top 30 Poster

Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,343
Curmudgeonville, Tn
Hi ryme
I got my second cup of coffee in me and my brain is starting to work. I was looking at the last line "CAN'T YOU SEE I LOVE YOU" and thought that might work tied to the second verse if you used the second verse as the last verse. It would then resolve the song. Does that make any sense or am I not awake yet?
O.K. time for a third cup.

------------------
www.soundclick.com/billrobinson

Bill
Live with a song in your heart


Bill
http://www.soundclick.com/billrobinson
http://www.dreamqueststudio.com
Skype; bill.robinson12

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not." --Thomas Jefferson didn't say it

http://voidnow.org/
http://www.americansworking.com/
#338241 - 04/05/04 02:51 AM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 304
trush Offline
Serious Contributor
trush  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 304
salem. va. usa
hey guy....this is pretty damn good for number 1....it sings...it's to the point...maybe some polish on the ole rhymes but man fine job overall....trush

#338242 - 04/05/04 05:23 PM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Don Martin (D) Offline
Serious Contributor
Don Martin (D)  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Ontario , Canada
Good day everyone (too many to lists by name with the time I have right now) , I truly appreciate the encouragement this song has received from all of you .

I have sent it to demo to be song pop/country
(sort of Sher meets Shania style) , to get a better feel of it myself that way - and will fine toon it from there to a full demo . Will keep you advised . Thanks again -

Don

#338243 - 04/13/04 06:37 AM Re: IN - BETWEEN  
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 29
whatdoyouthink Offline
Casual Observer
whatdoyouthink  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 29
port perry, On. Canada
hey ryme

I've been there, I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. I like the good/bad thoughts as well, I wouldn't change a thing.

good luck with it.

------------------
Dwayne


Dwayne

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