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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
Serious Contributor
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OP
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336 |
hi everyone , here goes -
IN-BETWEEN
I'd be happy with you I'd be happy without it's the in-between I'm talking about
please go away
I miss you so
created all of my dreams and most of the pain getting over it all then I see you again
please go away
I miss you so
(chorus) I WAS RIGHT ... BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG I WAS INDEPENDENT ... AND AWFUL STRONG I HAD PLANS AND GOALS ... AND A LOT TO GIVE NOW THE IN-BETWEEN ... IS WHERE I LIVE
you can hug a friend to let them know but it isn't that when you can't let go
please go away
I miss you so
you've been good to me this has got to halt you've been a friend this is not your fault
please go away
I miss you so
(chorus) I WAS RIGHT ... BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG I WAS INDEPENDENT ... AND AWFUL STRONG I HAD PLANS AND GOALS ... AND A LOT TO GIVE NOW THE IN-BETWEEN ... IS WHERE I LIVE
call me soon throw my number away take off your coat best be on your way
please go away
I miss you so
getting over you you're in all my thoughts getting better now or maybe not
please go away
CAN'T YOU SEE I LOVE YOU !
[This message has been edited by Canadianryme (edited 04-27-2004).]
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,589
Top 100 Poster
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,589 |
wow, that's how I feel most of the time hehe! I think you said it pretty good..I'll let others comment on meters, rythme schemes etc...to me it's fine!
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
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Hi Rhyme and welcome.. I liked this too.....I'm sure..there's many that can relate....to this one.... It's a different style than I write...and hope others will stop by and give more thought.... I'm thinking you were going for a pop...or ...rock...type song?... best wishes... Kaley
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,199
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Hey Can,
I think it's got the makings of a pretty good lyric. I like how you alternate good/bad thoughts, but in you middle two verses you seem to lose that. Also, I don't know that "right" in L1 is the best word you can come up with there. Good luck with it
Bill
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
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shooting for a situation in time people could relate to easily , so thank you for that reassurance . I have several areas I am still unsure of myself at this point - and I have noted bill's comments as areas to take a second look at again . Anyone know of a demo studio that can be recommended - I have a couple of songs ready for that next step ?
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
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thanks Calvin , I only wish I had found this site sooner than this afternoon - I'm amazed at the participation and honesty in comments so far . It will get a major second look for sure .
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 614
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 614 |
Hi Canadian, This is really cool. Sorry I didn't make it in sooner, but it will give you a bump. I hope you have plans for some music. I would like to hear where you go with it.
Mel
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 512
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 512 |
Hello fellow Canuck (I thinnk ), I like the minimalist approach you took and the way you use the 'good/bad thoughts to support the "In-Between" title/theme. As for a demo studio, I'll assume you're not looking to perform yourself and are asking about a studio via the net. Arguably on eof the best and most reasonably priced around is Bill Scull Jr., ScullSound productions based in Tampa. I've used him (as have others on the web) and his quality is just GREAT! Check him out. Try here... http://hometown.aol.com/pressfat/index.html
Laziness breeds fatique - Passion breeds action
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,125
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Hi, Do you do your own music? This one is pretty cool. I hear this as an overlap- or overlay kind of Song. Don't know whether it should be country but, think it could be if it were done in that vein. One suggestion in the chorus I was right before YOU came along I was independent and_ Oh, so strong.
Awful just doesn't sing well for me.
Other than that it seems to me this is ready for the music. Idamarie
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,343
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,343 |
Hi ryme I really like this lyric. I think it would work in a few genres. I agree with Bill on the second verse. It does not seem to fit the rest of the song. I'm pretty new at this but it seemed to read more like a bridge. Hope this helps. JMHO ------------------ www.soundclick.com/billrobinson Bill Live with a song in your heart
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 6,343
Top 30 Poster
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Top 30 Poster
Joined: Feb 2004
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Hi ryme I got my second cup of coffee in me and my brain is starting to work. I was looking at the last line "CAN'T YOU SEE I LOVE YOU" and thought that might work tied to the second verse if you used the second verse as the last verse. It would then resolve the song. Does that make any sense or am I not awake yet? O.K. time for a third cup. ------------------ www.soundclick.com/billrobinson Bill Live with a song in your heart
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 304
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hey guy....this is pretty damn good for number 1....it sings...it's to the point...maybe some polish on the ole rhymes but man fine job overall....trush
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 336
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OP
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Good day everyone (too many to lists by name with the time I have right now) , I truly appreciate the encouragement this song has received from all of you .
I have sent it to demo to be song pop/country (sort of Sher meets Shania style) , to get a better feel of it myself that way - and will fine toon it from there to a full demo . Will keep you advised . Thanks again -
Don
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Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 29
Casual Observer
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Casual Observer
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 29 |
hey ryme
I've been there, I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. I like the good/bad thoughts as well, I wouldn't change a thing.
good luck with it.
------------------ Dwayne
Dwayne
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