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#351975 - 08/14/04 02:15 PM Deja Blue...Need some help!  
Joined: Feb 2001
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Two Singers Offline
Two Singers  Offline

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Northern Alabama
Here’s an old country cryin’ in my beer type of song that I write a long time ago. Been playing with it but still a long way from happy. It seems to me that I haven’t really driven the hook line hard enough. Any thoughts?

Deja Blue

© May 1993
Alan D. David, BMI


(v1)
I could be the poster boy
For regret and misery
Cause I am the biggest fool
Thus far in history

(v2)
I thought the grass was greener
In the backyard down the street
From the backyard to the bedroom
Undercover, on the sheets

(v3)
But you could see right through me
I just couldn’t hide my sin
And as you were moving out
The heartache moved right in

(chorus)
You haunt my dreams all the time
Can’t keep my life between the lines
I think of nothing else but me and you
Yes you’re always on my mind
Reminding me of better times
Your memory turns my whole world deja blue

(v4)
I see lovers hand in hand
Doing things we used to do
I pretend that I’m the man
Cause the girl always looks like you

(v5)
Last night you came to kiss me
You were playing my heartstrings
But I realized this morning
You were only in my dreams

Repeat Chorus


------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351976 - 08/14/04 03:27 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Richard G Blum (D) Offline
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Richard G Blum (D)  Offline
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Bronx, NY, United States
Hi Alan

like the story line and the hook, but somehow the chorus seems kinda flat. Maybe more color references leading up to the deja blue....?

your red dress
green eyes
etc....

#351977 - 08/14/04 03:56 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Northern Alabama
Ritt,

Good morning. Well, it's still morning here in St.Louis. I had similar thoughts to what you suggested but just couldn't make anything work. But, your brief suggestions have given me something to work with. I'll work those lines and see what happens. Thanks! Do appreciate the help!

Alan

P.S.
Never spent much time in the Bronx, but have seen quite a few sunrises and sunsets down in Brooklyn, mostly Flatbush Ave.

Thanks agaain.

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

[This message has been edited by sideman66 (edited 08-14-2004).]

#351978 - 08/14/04 10:41 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Pete Larsen Offline
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Hey , Sideman
like it a bunch and if I wrote it i'd be proud of it, since you asked ...

v2 line 4
and then...under the sheet

if you like
Pete


Here we are wracking our brains today
to write lyrics that rhyme
and if we succeed, they'll end up in time
as tommorrow's cliche's...
Pete
#351979 - 08/15/04 03:46 AM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Richard G Blum (D) Offline
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Bronx, NY, United States
Hi Alan

twiddling a bit, watcha think

the rain came in sheets of red
i found shelter in anothers bed
for a passing pleasure i lost you
a purple passion filled my head
all the while i now know instead
a fallen love so true, turns to deja blue

#351980 - 08/15/04 08:56 AM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Calvin Offline
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Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hello ALan,

Good stuff, I like it as is.

Calvin

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewartmusic.htm

#351981 - 08/15/04 01:18 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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UK
I like it too!

Another suggestion for the chorus:-

It may be a bit clumsy - I was trying to get view/sight - deja vue? - and "already" - deja? But I had fun doing it!

You haunt my dreams every night
And you fill my mind throughout the day
I try to recall my last view of you
But you were already out of sight
The sun went down when you went away
Now all my memories of you are deja blue


Mz Bernie Taupin looking for her Elton John??
#351982 - 08/16/04 02:11 AM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Tricia Baker Offline
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Posts: 8,318
Greenwood, LA USA
Alan, this is fantastic. One suggestion for the chorus:

You haunt my dreams all the time
I COULDN'T KEEP OUR LIFE between the lines
I think of nothing else but me and you
Yes you’re always on my mind
Reminding me of better times
THOSE memorIES turn my whole world deja blue

I always hate to mess with other people's work, but that's how I'd have done it, I think. Keep or sweep!


------------------
"Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars." -- Les Brown
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/triciabakermusic.htm


"Grits is one of those country-boy words that is both singular and plural-like deer, elk and sheep. I think the singular is appropriate when there's a modifier that makes it clear one is talking about something specific. Like, 'Grits are good for you, but these here grits is tasty.'"~~Joe Wrabek
#351983 - 08/16/04 06:44 AM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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Tampa, Florida since 1973
Good Mornin' SideGuy!

"Hearstrings" line...
Try "& we made up, it seems" (or "seemed")...

That's my onliest Suggestion..otherwise, "KUDOS" for a good Sad One, Amigo!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

#351984 - 08/16/04 11:07 AM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Posts: 10,240
Kaley Willow Offline
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
PA
Hi Alan..I think it's very very good...as is.
Only place I singled out that could "possibly" be strengthened.....
would be the two lines...leading up to that
neat hook...... I'd rethink.. mind and time.....and replace those with something
fresher? maybe.......played with some other rhymes...but didn't come up with anything great....was thinkin..if you could get the
word.."paint". or color..in there somewhere..leading up.....it would play right into the word blue.....

best to you this morning...
Kaley [Linked Image]


[This message has been edited by Kaley Willow (edited 08-16-2004).]

#351985 - 08/16/04 04:53 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Two Singers Offline
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Northern Alabama
Hey Everyone!

Haven't fogotten about getting back to ya...just had a really, really busy weekend. Will get back to all of you starting this evening.

By the way, You guys have given me some great suggestions. Will look them all over and see what works. THANKS!!!!

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351986 - 08/16/04 09:30 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Posts: 13,618
Graham Henderson (D) Offline
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Esperance. West Australia
Have a think about using:
That's when deja vu becomes deja blue, Alan.
Corny as all get up but songs good to me.
Graham


------------------
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/grahamhendersonmusic.htm

#351987 - 08/16/04 10:33 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Northern Alabama
Pete,

Like your idea, but need to find another syllable to go with it (for metering)...but that shouldn't be a problem. Thanks for looking and the suggestion!

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351988 - 08/16/04 10:35 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Northern Alabama
Calvin,

Glad you like it as is...just thought I needed a little more build-up for the hook line. But appreciate your kind thoughts and taking time to reply.

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351989 - 08/16/04 10:39 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Diane,

Hi! Thanks for taking the time to read and offer some help. I like a lot of what you suggested. Let me see what everyone else has offered and how everything fits together. I'm sure I'll use at least part of what you have suggested. THANKS!

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351990 - 08/16/04 10:43 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Northern Alabama
Tricia,

Feel welcome to mess with my songs any time you want to. Since I do a pretty good job of messing them UP, your messing WITH them might get them back on track.

Thanks for taking a look and offering your help. Let me see what works from your suggestions. THANKS!

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351991 - 08/16/04 11:01 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
Joined: Jan 2001
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King Song o' Man Offline
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Chelsea, Quebec, Canada
I LOVE that title -- wish I'd thought of it! Having said that, I think you've underutilized it. I like something along the line of what Graham suggested "That's when deja vu becomes deja blue", but I'd even go further, being sure to sing "deja blue" at least one or two more times in the chorus. JMO.


Laziness breeds fatique - Passion breeds action
#351992 - 08/17/04 12:10 AM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Graham Henderson (D) Offline
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Esperance. West Australia
Ya always were a wordy bugger Tom LOL.
I agree with ya but thought I'd let Alan figure that one out for himself.
Me being a man of few words and all ya know.
Graham

------------------
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/grahamhendersonmusic.htm

#351993 - 08/17/04 01:45 AM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Northern Alabama
Stan,

Howdy friend! Thanks for stopping in.

Yeah, I know...I wasn't to excited about that "heartstrings" line either. But that's all I could think of at the time...one of the reasons I issued a "Call For Help"!

Let's see what others suggest and what I can do with it all.

Thanks for the visit and comment.

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351994 - 08/17/04 01:48 AM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Northern Alabama
Kaley,

Well I feel particularly special now that you've dropped in.

I agree with you (and Ritt) about using the "color" theme a little better. And I'll see if something along that line would be an improvement over the mind/time lines.

Thanks for reading and offering some good advice. Always look forward to your visits.

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351995 - 08/17/04 04:58 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Northern Alabama
Graham,

Howdy, sir! Nice suggestion. Think I'll work with it and see what I can come up with. Appreciate you looking and offering such good stuff!

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.

#351996 - 08/17/04 05:00 PM Re: Deja Blue...Need some help!  
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Northern Alabama
Tom,

Thanks for dropping in and taking time to read and reply. I agree that the hook is under-utilized. That's the help i was looking for...and I sure did get some good suggestions. I very much like what you and Graham have suggested. Thanks Again.

Once the changes are all made, I'll let everyone know. Come back and take a look if you's like.

Alan

------------------
If I were but half as good as Dawg...I'd be twice as good as most.


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