JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Simple Times Left to Ponder ( My first try at this)

As I say, I'm no writer. This site has sparked an interest in trying though. So here it is. Please be honest and tell me exactly what you think and what improvements need to be made. Thanks in advance!
Tyler.

Simple Pleasures
Tyler Williams 12/2005


A cold glass of ice tea and a gentle warm summers breeze
The song of birds that echoes through the tall red oak trees
An old faded front porch swing and a dog without a care
The smell of mamas cooking drifting through the midday air

The kids shouts and laughter from the tall green pasture grass
The rusted hinges singing from an old screen door out in back
Women's talk of Sunday morning and the newest ladies wear
And every now and then the voice of papa's old blue mare

Simple times left to ponder and pass the time of day
A time gone by, a time to come, and a time when we can say
I remember when I was a kid and things were oh so good
Simple pleasures that come to mind in the days of my childhood

Waking to the early call of breakfast tickling my nose
Watching daddy shaving while I'm putting on my clothes
Through the hallway I can hear someone saying that it's late
You'll have to hurry up because the chores and work won't wait

Simple times left to ponder and pass the time of day
A time gone by, a time to come, and a time when we can say
I remember when I was a kid and things were oh so good
Simple pleasures that come to mind in the days of my childhood

What I'd give to go back there when we were all so young
Take a walk and knowing now of all the things to come
I'd move a little slower and I'd take the time to see
I'd realize the simple times are making memories

Yes the simple times left to ponder and pass the time of day
A time gone by, a time to come, and a time when we can say
I remember when I was a kid and things were oh so good
Recalling simple pleasures of the days of my childhood


[This message has been edited by Tyler M W (edited 12-19-2005).]

[This message has been edited by Tyler M W (edited 12-20-2005).]

Welcome to the board Tyler.

For a first kick here this is pretty good. I like the flow and pictures you create.

I would change the name to "simple pleasures" though, and you might even try (just for fun) to see how replacing simple times with simple pleasures sounds....does have a good alliteration...simple pleasures left to ponder...


ciao

Hi, Tyler,

I must disagree with you - you ARE a writer, and you have a lot to say. This lyric is a solid first effort which shows great potential.

Keep going...seems like you have a natural sense of rhyme...Your images are poetic and easy to relate to.

My suggestion: study the formats and patterns of many lyrics, so you can master the many different ways to espress yourself ina song. Say the words out loud....Keep writing

Write on!!
Emily
emilysanders.net

[This message has been edited by Emily Sanders (edited 12-15-2005).]

Hi Tyler

A big Texas Welcome to the board. If this is your first lyrics, can't wait to hear the next ones.

Only thing I could see that didn't follow your rhyme pattern is in Verse 2, line 1 and 2
grass and back.
Otherwise I think you did a great job. Love this type of lyric.

Maybe someone else has a suggestion for these two lines.

Again welcome.

MS Willie

John,
Thanks for the name change idea. Before I do though, I'd like to know what it was that drew you to the song initially. The title or who wrote it. You might say I'm trying to get into your head a bit here.
Thanks for the kind words.
Tyler.

[This message has been edited by Tyler M W (edited 12-15-2005).]

Good question Tyler...

I came looking, not because of the title, but because you're new around here, and we always like to welcome new people. Also, some of us old timers go zero patrolling every now and again to make sure everyone gets a fair shake.


Back to the hook.

If you say it, "simple pleasures" flows real easy like as opposed to "simple times left to ponder", which does not. Could be just me, but it's also more memorable.

As a side note, remember we can only offer opinions...and when something is particularly off, which this is not, more insistent guidance .... meaning our opinion is worth as much as yours. So no problem if you decide to keep what you have.

Ciao

Welcome Tyler!

Weeeell, I'd say now that you've written this you must be a writer, ne?

Great imagery and use of senses in this one.

I think you left out a word in this line:
What I'd give to back there when we were all so young
"Go" or "be" or "fall" maybe? If that's the only nit I can find I think you done well!!! And I think you done well!!!

Best o' luck with it. It's a winner!

"Uncle" Chuck Crowe

BTW, for your research: I start from the top of the list and work my way down...

------------------
http://www.chuckcrowe.com

Hi and Welcome Tyler.....Nice to meet you!!

I believe you have natural talent and a gentle descriptive way with words...

Hope you'll stay and develop your song craftsmanship more........

keep writing..
best to you.....
Kaley


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=8404
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=6469
http://www.flashfast.com/kids/
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/kwwg

Dear Emily and Ms Willie,
Sorry to be so long in responding. I've been with out power for a few days now and the battery on the lap-top was drained. Not to mention work. Thank you both for the kind words and the look.
Tyler.



[This message has been edited by Tyler M W (edited 12-18-2005).]

Yes "uncle" C, I left out "go", thanks for the catch!
Had newbie written all over that one ,huh?
Tyler

Kaley,
I'm just trying to follow my Dads (Walktausha)'s leading footsteps and see where it goes. Something that he enjoyed, so I thought I'd give it a try. Thanks.
Tyler.

Dear John......always wanted to be the one that got to start a letter like that first....
Simple Pleasures does have a nice roll to it. I like it! Just wanted to know what the pull was for you. Now I do. Ask and ye shall be told.
Thanks,
Tyler.

Thanks for the name change John!
Tyler.

Hi Ty, & WELCOME!

Pretty Smooth, & Lotsa Nice Examples of Great Memories, Amigo!

MIGHT be "More Audience-Inclusive" if ya penned it about "OUR Childhoods"?

Might PRUNE a few words-per-line to get it easier to Sing...fer instance:

"Cold Glass of Ice-tea & a Gentle Warm Breeze"/"Bird-singin' Echoes thru the Tall Oak Trees"

Says the Same...with 6-7 Less-Words-to-Memorize...(Multiply this "Saving" on the Whole Song..& it goes from a Dictionary down to a Coupon..heh!)
Sometimes Less-is-More with Descriptives, too..."tall green pasture grass" is a scosh Overdone...when "Pasture Grass" is all ya REALLY needed here, IMO.

"& every now & then the NAAY of papa's blue mare" would be some-punchier, No?

Overall, you have some FINE Memories and the Makings of a FINE Song, Amigo!

Keep at it,& Good Luck every step along the Way~
Big Welcome Aboard Guy-Hug,
Stan

Good job of painting images. Things we can all relate to. I like the suggestion to change "times" to "pleasures". Works well eith "ponder". I did wonder if the mule really had a voice though! How about "bray of papa's old blue mare"

Keep it up!
Gentle Ben and his Trained Guitar

Hi Tyler,

This is really good, I can sing it all the way through without any problem, and I love the memories it portrays.
You could probably put in better song format and number the verses, I really like that chorus.
In the first verse, I would delete (Midday) and in the second verse, the line that says (in back) the word IN is not needed, other then that, this is good writing. Good luck with it.

Emmy

Hello Stan and thanks for the suggestions. This was written with an acoustic feel to it much like "Gentle On My Mind" Glenn Campbell genre. That's why so much painting going on.
Tyler.

Hi there Ben,
The idea of a voice to me.....is complaining, the naay or bray, is the sound that you hear. That's where I was at with that. Duly noted thought though. Thanks for the look.
Tyler.

Ms. Emmy,
Thank you.
Picture if you will, sitting on the front porch awaiting the noon meal that's being prepared by mama and aunts, and perhaps a friend or two of theirs. The smells of the cooking drifting through the open door through the screen. While you slowly sip your iced tea with your favorite and loyal companion at your feet. Hearing the children playing in the tall grass and not really being able to see them, and as their laughter draws you to look, you hear and see the old blue mare asking for attention. Your stare gives way to that mornings events that started your day. The busy sounds of the family awakening and calls from the breakfast table hurrying you to begin another day.
These are the notes from which this song was extracted. Memories. Nice huh!
Thanks for the compliment, and sharing the walk with me.
Tyler.