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here is a revised version...thank you AJ for your advice "Goodbye" After everything that you’ve done You tell me I’m the one But that’s not how it seems to be After all of things that you did The feelings that you hid I now find myself alone PRE-CHORUS Can’t you see how you make me feel? This pain inside me is too real CHORUS But it’s all over when I say goodbye, I tried so hard to make things right But you didn’t seem to care I can’t be with you but I tried And that’s the reason why I have to say goodbye I tried to get through to you But there was nothing I could do You pretended everything was fine That’s when I started to see That I’m better off with just me That I’m fine on my own PRE-CHORUS Can’t you see how you make me feel? This pain inside me is too real CHORUS But it’s all over when I say goodbye, I tried so hard to make things right But you didn’t seem to care I can’t be with you but I tried And that’s the reason why I have to say goodbye (C) Kassie Rogers 2008 _________________________________________________- Ok..so this is a work in progress.....basically it's a song from the perspective of someone who is about to break up with someone.... "Goodbye" After everything you’ve done You tell me I’m the one But I’m not All of things that you did The feelings that you hid From me I just couldn’t get past it This feeling has lasted I’m alone Can’t see how you make me feel? This pain inside me is too real So this is when I say goodbye, It’s over I can’t be here anymore I tried to hard to make things right But you didn’t try at all So this is why I have to say goodbye (goodbye) There was nothing I could do I tried to talk to you No reply You pretended it was fine Thought you’d always ‘be mine’ But you’re wrong That’s when I started to see I’m better off just me On my own Can’t see how you make me feel? This pain inside me is too real So this is when I say goodbye, It’s over I can’t be here anymore I tried to hard to make things right But you didn’t try at all So this is why I have to say goodbye (goodbye)
Last edited by les_paul_gurl; 10/25/08 06:02 AM.
Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
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real meaning in these lyrics, they're great.
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Thank you for your kind words! I look forward to reading some of your lyrics!
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overall nice lyric...flowed well...
the only problem i see is a meter problem..!! the verses don't really conjugate...not contextually...!!
some nice thoughts....and stiff lines...the chorus is well written...
I tried to talk to you But there was nothing I could do You weren’t there You pretended it was fine and Thought you’d always ‘be mine’ But you’re wrong Then you made me see that I’m better off just me On my own these lines seemed to be changed...rather altered...i don't know why...but somehow it felt lil not-so-good..
so...this is what i got to say...! if you have music for this then all i have said is a crap...!
hope it helped anyway...and didn't sounded rude...if so...apologies...!!
~Neo~
I AM NOT A FUGITIVE
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Neo-- Thank you for your comments.... yeah I had a hard time with those few lines too.... I know what I want to say but I can't get it to come out right, you know? hmmmm....I'll definitely have to try again with those. I did have some music in my head while I wrote this but I haven't actually put it to my guitar yet. I will be working on the lyrics. Thank you for the input; it's greatly appreciated
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Ok all-- I've made some changes to the lyrics...tell me what you think! any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated
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Even though the read-through rhyming seemed a little off, I found this a very honest lyric. I like how you've used just plain words to put your point across. I think it is a very nice write.
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Susie-- Thank you for the comments. I'm not sure how the rhyming is off? but I have some music in my head to go with it that would make is sound better. Thank you again for stopping by and I look forward to reading some of your lyrics
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nice write Les Paul Gurl I got a good feel for this didb't see any flow issues maybe a few words could be lost in production but that always happens at least to me .good luck with it .
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FHardy-- Thank you for reading! This piece means a lot to me. Hope to read some of your writing soon! Thanks again ~~Kassie~~
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Hi Kassie, since i don't know the music i would like to offer a alternate version.AJ
Goodbye After everything that you've done You tell me that i'm the one But that's not the way it seems to be
After all the things that you did The feelings that you hid Why is it that i feel so alone
PREchorus:Can't you see how you make me feel That this pain in me is so real.....
Chorus:It's all over when i say goodbye I tried so hard to make things right I can't be here anymore though I've tried But you didn't bother to try And that's the reason why I must say goodbye
There was nothing left i could do I tried so hard to get through to you But you pretended that all was fine
You thought you'd always be mine But then there came a time When I knew i'd be better off on my own PreChorus Chorus End
AJ
Let me know what you think
Life was once a beautiful thing when we were able to live it.Love is such a beautiful thing when we are able to give it.Time alas has no meaning when there is no time but it takes but a moment for one to be so kind
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AJ-- Sorry it took me so long to respond! Work is KILLING me right now I really like your alternate version. It's really cool. I imagined that my first version would be with a guitar, but this version seems like it would work better with a piano! I love it!! ~~Kassie~~
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Hi Kassie, I sort of play guitar like a piano If you listen to "Out Of Sight,Out Of My Mind" On mp3 feedback forum you'll see what i mean.AJ
Last edited by AJ Baker; 10/21/08 02:49 AM.
Life was once a beautiful thing when we were able to live it.Love is such a beautiful thing when we are able to give it.Time alas has no meaning when there is no time but it takes but a moment for one to be so kind
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Hi AJ, I really like your guitar style!! i can see what you mean by it sounding piano-esk. ~~Kassie~~
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Kassie,
I like this, but I'd like to make a suggestion. I mean, that's what we do, right? There are so many perfect, predictable rhymes here and, for my money, I'd like to see a little variation now and then. AJ has done a nice job of giving you a little change-up here, stuff that's well worth using.
OK, 2 cents is all I can afford.
Best with this one,
Barry
"the older I get, the better I was"
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Barry-- I agree...I like where AJ went with it. I think that I will write an alternate version of the song kind of along those lines. I like this one, but I think that it could work great this way too! thank you so much for reading and giving your input Have a great day! ~~Kassie~~
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I also agree with AJ, and believe me, I know all too well how this wonderfun man can change a song around and make it magic and as I see , again he has done just that...glyn
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Glyn-- Thanks for taking the time to read yes I definitely like what AJ did with it...I think I will have to tweak it along those lines....Have a wonderful weekend!!! ~~Kassie~~
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Hi Kassie,I read your revised version and I found your sixth line to be a little short it should match the fourth line as far as meter.AJ(I now find myself alone) (That i'm better off with just me)would be better here
Last edited by AJ Baker; 10/24/08 08:09 AM.
Life was once a beautiful thing when we were able to live it.Love is such a beautiful thing when we are able to give it.Time alas has no meaning when there is no time but it takes but a moment for one to be so kind
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AJ-- Thank you again! you have been such a big help with this! ~~Kassie~~
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Hi Kassie, i saw where you changed the one line but not the second (that I'm better off with just me)The word with should be in there to have it make sense.AJ
Life was once a beautiful thing when we were able to live it.Love is such a beautiful thing when we are able to give it.Time alas has no meaning when there is no time but it takes but a moment for one to be so kind
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AJ-- Thank you again!! What would I do without you!! have a wonderful weekend!!!! ~~Kassie~~
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Can’t you see how you make me feel? This pain inside me is too real
This is what I read.
Can’t you see how you make me feel? This pain inside me is all too real
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Fastliketree-- I like your suggestion! I was also thinking of having it say "this pain inside me is just too real". I'm glad you noticed too Nice to meet you and I hope to read some of your work! Welcome to JPF ~~Kassie~~
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Hey
I like your change better than mine. Just flows very nicely. I would make your suggested change - it seems to help the meter of the line a lot =)
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Lyric(A) All of things that you did The feelings that you hid From me
Lyric(B) Can’t see how you make me feel? This pain inside me is too real
my readings.
Lyric(A) All of things that you did The feelings that you hid Far from me (this is suggested to match potential melodies for the other parts of the song you use this word structure)
Lyric(B) Can’t see how you make me feel? This pain inside me all too real I think all fits better here, i feel like "is" is attempting to avoid stress but is required to take some on.
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this is all and all a great song kassie i've been broke up before so i can relate to every verse.
samuel
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Samuel-- Thank you for stopping by! I'm sorry to hear that you can relate but glad that you like it! Have a wonderful day ~~Kassie~~
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