JPF Home Page Forums General Messages Musician Message Forum You're Getting Too Old to Play Gigs when...

Saw this somewhere...For Aging Musicians (and those that just need a laugh)...feel free to add to the list (if you can remember any more !?!)
p.s.- I sure am enjoying that new light for my music stand !!


1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.

2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.

4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.

5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.

6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.

7. You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.

8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.

9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

11. The waitress is your daughter.

12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.

15. You refuse to play without earplugs.

16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.

17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

18. Your gig stool has a back.

19. You're related to at least one member in the band.

20. You don't let any one sit in.

21. You need a nap before the gig.

22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down.

24. You prefer a music stand with a light.

25. You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.

26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever.....

27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.

28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger than your daughter.

29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location ...

30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it

31. Your set list is dance able.

32. You think "homey" means cozy and warm

33. You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.

34. You're playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!

35. Most of the band members are a lot younger than you.

36. Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party...

37. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a sitter for the grandkids...

38. In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.

39. On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.

40. You start listing your truss as a "business expense".

41. You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.

42. When you get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex co.

43. When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!

44. Or, you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday..

45. When the only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.

46. You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.

47. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to "turn himself up.

48. You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.

49. Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.

50. You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.

51. Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.

52. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.

ROCK ON!!!

Wow, this list would be funny if it wasn't so accurate!

Actually I'm too old to read the list. Watch it!

#53. You can't wear bermuda shorts at summer gigs cause your boys like to peek out at the audience.

#54. Clubs refuse to let you play because insurance companies are afraid you'll fall and break your hip.

#55. You can no longer get your walker over the monitor speakers.

MAB

#56. When you realize you forgot to wear your Depends, and then forgetting you realized that before going on.

#56. You can't remember what comes after "I can't get no..."

#57. Because of your dentures, when you sing "yakkety yak", it comes out as "clackety clack"

I find this post both offensive and demeaning, I'm going to contact whoever is in charge here and forge a complaint. Perhaps a strong letter to my congressmen as well and..... Oops! Lol #58

#59: Your Age Spots cover your tattoos...
#60: Your Farts blow the Club up when the Fans flick their Bics

Ha, Ha,
When you can't disguise your Pot when crossing to Border.

#61 When the songs you play are officially considered "oldies"!

Ray...that gave me 6oz of the willies

What was he thinking??

When people who used to watch you play in your early days disappear to raise a family, then reappear 20 odd years later with their KIDS who are now of drinking age! This happened to me last night!

What a shock Bob.

Reminds me of the first time someone I thought was old, offered their seat to me on a bus.. lol

God Bless Roy and Helen

62. Uhhhh... you forget #62
63. Instead of worrying about being confronted with a Love Child out on the road, you're worried the bartender might be your love Grandchild.
64. You have to choose between your Musicians Union Dues and your AARP membership.
65. You stop bitching about whether you'll ever get another BMI check and instead worry if you'll ever have another BM.

Brian

Ha all true...

When you have to stop Mustang Sally because a couple on the dance floor have become entangled in their walkers.

tom

.......you cannot make out the lyrics or understand a single word of the jargon being sung......even when it is supposedly in English

The couple in question brought their 22 year old son and 21 year old daughter. Mom proceeded to embarrass son by telling him he was concieved after one of my gigs!{ROFL!}

Bob I know the feeling.....I have a booking in a couple of weeks for a girl's 40th birthday party......seemed like yesterday I was booked for her 18th.

Now that is customer loyalty! How cool!!!!


You know you're getting too old for gigging when the pop and crack of your knees comes out the PA as you walk on stage. And the audience thinks your drummer is tuning up.

i can relate a little too much to some of these
thanks for the laugh ...you know you are doing OK if you can still laugh at yourself

Joanne

GET OFF MY LAWN

#67-They have to roll you on stage.

Okay, I don't have a #68 but I have a favorite old-people joke:

Q: What do old people smell like?
A: Depends...




bye


L

Love this! I'm printing it.

68. While on stage, you can't remember where you put your set list.

69. The drink you keep on stage with you is Alka-Seltzer.

70. Your stories begin with "I wrote this song 30 years ago..." (where has the time gone?)

71. You're late to the gig because you couldn't get out of the restroom.

72. When your female fans remove their tops, you wish they would leave them on.

73. When you're on a break, the only person that comes up to you to talk is a casket salesman.

74. When you actually think that might be a good idea.

75. You see a million dollar selling boy band....and think boy do they suck.

Most excellent.


Here is a more general one

You know you are too old (period) when..
you take you two dogs out for a walk and put both leashes one dog.

Tom

Tom I have done that as well....I bet you go into a room and then think what the hell did I come in here for.....I know I do.

#?...You Forget WHERE The Gig IS...

76. You use the clapper to turn on you're amp.
77. Your bling is a medical braclet

78. Someone comes up to you & says, "My grandparents used to love you when they were kids!"

79. Your break times are spent in the bathroom for "Flowmax Moments" rather than the other usual activities...

80. When your drummer leaves the bar after the first set with a willing new freind and leave you to play the drums for the rest of the night......... True story

81. Your glutes hurt from sitting on the gig stool for the duration of the gig. (Used to be able to play a 6 hour gig no problem. Tonight, I was hurting after 3 hours!)

82. Midway thru singing the National Anthem your teeth slip out and you find yourself doing a Gabby Hayes parody.

84. what?

85. you wear your jacket while playing on stage because it's "alittle drafty" up there.

That does it. I'm getting too dang old.

Can't stop laughing, I would add the two fans that I do have since I play folk music at venues all call me the "young kid" ...
However, since both can't hear I always sound good to them LOL

MOKER--

SOME GOOD ONES HERE

I changed a couple:

3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m. (30 minutes later you get the guitar string changed)

8. Your (new glasses don’t help you) see the amp settings.

9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage. (And had to have stitches like JIMMY BUFFET did in Australia recently)

12. KILLER, FUNNY

20. (Nobody wants to) sit in anymore.

24. You prefer a music stand with a light. ( And a 4X Magnifying glass)

29 The Truth!

46. My friend JIMMY DOES THIS!

49 YO!

Mackie

86. You walk on stage and realize that you forgot to get your guitar out of the car. You get it out of the car and then spend 15 minutes squinting at the tuner before you're able to start the set.

87. You make the soundman come on stage, unplug and remove any wires you need to step over "in case you trip."

Both true stories.

88. You walk on stage and realize that you forgot to get your guitar out of the car. You go back to the car to get it, get in, and drive home.

89. A pre-show nap is MANDATORY!

90. you're getting too old to play gigs when when .....ah when....hmmmm....when....uh....wait a minute...what was the question

91. You wake up alone on stage only to learn everyone has gone home and your gig is over.

One of the coolest threads ever, Moker! ehh #92.

#93. You start to find "I can't get no satisfaction" offensive and find yourself suggesting to the band - hey, how about we try some smooth jazz pieces next time?

#94. The girls approaching you after the gig ask about your son's and daughter's name.

#95. You start to refuse every line refering to sex in your co-writing sessions, with "nah, can't write THAT!".

This is just the best thread ever!! I am absolutely crying with laughter.

#96....Your frontman sings his best songs in G.....and you've played the whole set....in B......(just because it "felt right")

Oh, God....these are hilarious....bring 'em on!!

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Anyone want to put this list into one numbered page? Also, it would be helpful to know who wrote their own above and who got them elsewhere so we can properly credit. (I wrote mine, but I know Moker got his list elsewhere at the start). I may put them in the JPF newsletter and then ask others to log on and add to it. Perhaps we can create a book full of them! = )

Any volunteer?

Brian