JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum My Magic Cardboard Carpet (FINAL MIX-COMPLETED)

Here's the FINAL MIX for My Magic Cardboard Carpet.

Rob and I are both happy with it. Hope you enjoy it as well.

Thanks to everyone for feedback in the early stages.


Donna

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10419239

Or at reverbnation.
http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_8170870


My Magic Cardboard Carpet

(v1)
I read the morning papers
Most people throw away
A day late doesn’t matter
The news is all the same
I only track obituaries
Looking for my name

Chorus
My magic cardboard carpet
Takes me flying back to you
Another time, another place
Before my steep descent from grace

(v2)
I dream sometimes I see you
Still trembling near the door
Your dear face wet with questions
And the choice was either/or
I once had all I wanted
But thought I needed more

CHORUS

(3)
I shiver in a blanket
Someone handed me last night
And fumble for a roll-your-own
I have no match to light
Instead I’ll drink to memories
From the brown bag at my side

Bridge
I've even ceased to wonder
How I once held what I've lost
And how I now sleep under
All the bridges that I crossed

CHORUS

Tag
Steep descent from grace
Steep descent from grace

© 2010 Donna Devine

Hi Donna and Rob, I like this, love the music and it fits all very well together....and hey, I look in the obituaries for job openings lol....

great job...glyn

Hey Donna,

I'm really enjoying reading your lyrics. I've read a few lately and they have been very well written and very creative.
I write in a very different market so melodically it is very different to what I'd write and what I'm used to hearing but If I were to make a suggestion it would be that the chorus didn't really grab me. It didn't lift from the verse melodically. The musical changes are very good but I feel you could do more melodically with that chorus.

Other than that good fun.

JD

Hi Donna

I really enjoyed the song, except for one thing, the title, the hook, Magic Cardboard carpet just didn't grab me as a listener, that's my only Nit. I hope I'm a help, and not a hindrance hey.

Hugs Michele

Glynda, James, and Michele, thanks for dropping by and for your feedback, which can always be useful.

JD, I agree about the chorus melody. It's one of the things Rob and I have discussed. He'll be working on more variation there.

Donna

Hi Donna,

Cool / clever lyrics & hte music & vocal sound good to me !
I think the first line of the chorus.....

"My magic cardboard carpet"

should be layered with a duplicate track of vocals.

It would highlight your hook and also give a little something different to the chorus.

I enjoyed all the talent that went into this one.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/0/calvinstewart

Howdy,
A thought about how your bridge could have a bit more impact would be referencing the use of 'grace' in your chorus and tying it into the bridge.
Example:
bridge
Sleeping under burning bridges
Still don’t keep the cold
From making what the hell that this is
The chill of growing old

Good song, nice raw interpretation.
Mark.
BTW, dig the Egon Schiele drawing.

Donna, I remember this one. I think it was originally magic cardboard carpet ride?
It is well written. Your stuff always is.

The music, yes, I agree that maybe if he picked the music on the verses to make them sadder and then strummed the chorus it would bring it out more, but other than that, I like it. I can hear a harmonica in it..maybe a bit of a cello to make it sadder...

I like it though and look forward to hearing it come to final stages.
Kim

Calvin, Mark, and Kim, thank you so much for chiming in on this one.
Rob and I appreciate the feedback.

Kim, yeah, this is an oldie. But it was never Magic Cardboard Carpet Ride.
The title's always been the same.

Donna

Donna,

I remember this from the traveling contest!! I really like the song and write, but I just am not captured by the hook, I understand it, but it is almost too odd for me, I think that "Flying back to you" would be better received, but that is just my opinion, but really like the melody that got put to it!! Nice to see it again!!

Tammy

Hi Donna,

I think overall this has a lot going for it but the title is kind of a clunker. I agree with Tammy, and if you could re-write your chorus so that you end with "flying back to you" that would work even better. The rest is really well written.

Musically, I think it's too happy sounding. It's not the tempo or even the strumming, it just sounds too upbeat for a song about someone reduced to sleeping under bridges. I don't get the same feeling after hearing it that I had after reading the lyrics.

Ricki

You have received a lot of good feedback from others, but I would add that the last line of the chorus doesn't do it for me. I would come up with another one and rhyme it with "you" from line 2.

"Before you said the words, we're through" or similar.

KOS

Tammy, Ricki, and Colin, thanks muchly for contributing.
All points will be considered when it's time to revise.

Colin, I want to keep that rhyme scheme to make it different from the rhyming in the verse and chorus. However, that last line has in fact always felt a little 'formal' to me.
How about something like 'Before I slipped and fell from grace'?

(Though I do like the connection between flying and the steep descent he refers to.)

Donna

Donna,

If you keep that rhyme scheme, I think lines 1 and 2 should rhyme. A B C C seems odd to me. The revised line 4 sounds better.

Rob has just sent me a re-mix. He very much appreciated people's feedback. If you have any more input, speak now - otherwise this mix will be the final one. But without that weird noise just at the beginning. (He was exhaling prior to beginning to sing.)

As regards the lyrics: He and I discussed the suggested changes, but have ended up realising that we like the lyric as is. So we'll follow our instinct on this.

Concerning the 'magic cardboard carpet line', he prefers it, as do I. We feel it adds an extra dimension to the lyric. For one thing, the concept is unique, and it gives a clear image of a homeless guy sitting on his piece of cardboard on the street. It's an unusual reference - and a contrast to - the 'magic carpet' that people often refer to when they're daydreaming of happy or exotic places. (Rob also asked a few of his musician colleagues, and apparently they urged that it not be changed.)

Nevertheless, he and I both value the input everyone has given here.
(And of course nothing is ever set in stone. He might want to play around with changes sometime later, just for comparison. )

Ricki, Rob and I discussed the tempo, which you had mentioned. However, our feeling is that the mood is one of frenzied regret rather than 'happy'. I intentionally didn't want the song to sound too downbeat.

Donna

DonnaMarilyn, I liked the sigh of frustration at the start of the song. Gave it some authenticity. Though I know you won't use it on a finished version. I might have. Also liked the guitar arrangement and that cool riff. I don't see a thing wrong with the tempo.

I assume this was a scratch or guide vocal and guitar. Kinda rough-hewn like the ones I make. So I won't knock the performance.

Hello Donna. Hope all is well. I see that you can write from all perspectives.

This is no exception. You have created a believable character and Rob brought him to life with his vocals.

Might have strained some notes here and there, nothing that cannot be fixed, but besides that I thought everything fell in to place.

Douglas

Hi,
I really like this song. Love the title. "steep descent from grace" is kinda formal in contrast to the rest of the lyrics. Even changing steep to deep would also get rid of the double s but imho if you reworked this line keeping the thought and still ending with the word grace to better fit the writing style of the rest of the song it could be even better. Cool song.

Josie

Dan, Doug, and Josie, a big thanks for listening to this and for commenting.

The jury is still out on that 'grace' line. Rob and I discussed it, and we both like it. Plus, I wanted to keep in 'steep descent', as it refers to a manoeuvre that could be made by an aeroplane - and by extension - a flying carpet. If you follow what I mean. Perhaps at his gigs, Rob could play it with alternating lines - e.g. one using 'steep descent', another using 'deep descent' or 'before I slipped and fell from grace'. I expect a lot of variations are played at gigs.

In any case, feedback is always appreciated.

Donna

Donna
Clever lyrics and outstanding musical treatment.

You and your cohorts never disappoint.

Fun listen

Nelson, thank you.

We've pretty much got the song where we want it now.

Donna

Hi Donna,

Your writing is always a pleasure to experience. This line in V1 says so much about this man:

I only track obituaries
Looking for my name

Great storytelling as usual! Enjoyed the melody and Rob's guitar.

Kristi

Kristi, I appreciate you dropping by and commenting.
Thank you.

Donna

Hi Donna, what is the cardboard magic carpet? A few flat notes here and there but all in all a cool song.. I enjoyed it

Thanks, Tom.

The magic cardboard carpet = the piece of cardboard that homeless people often use to sit/lie on.

Donna

Hey Donna,
I like this one. Really nice lyrics. I like it musically as well. I think the tempo and chord progression carries the lyrics nicely. I agree with someone's comment above about making the chorus a bit more memorable from a musical perspective. All in all, nice write. That will be nice in final production.

Tracy

Thanks, Tracy.

The final mix is now in the top post. Another song put to bed.

Donna

Very nice. I like it a lot. Nice job.

Tracy

Thanks, Tracy.

Some 'noise' on the track needed cleaning up. Our Mike Caro has done a brilliant job getting rid of the buzz/hiss and enhancing the quality of the mix in general.

Donna

Donna, I am unable to hear the tune as I must play it "LO-Fi". Your S.C. wont let me. Perhaps another link ? So I had to only read the work and trust me sweetheart....I get it !! I completely understand the metaphor(s). IMHO, how is he gonna run back to anything ?? He's broke on his ass living on his piece of cardboard with not a lot to hang on to anymore and, in his mind, it is over. And then there is this ;.."And how I now sleep under, all the bridges I have crossed" absolutely brilliant!! I feel this sister as I may be living next to him soon...so powerful.

Darrell, I'm pleased the lyric has touched you so strongly, though deeply sorry to learn you may be in this position yourself in the near future. I sincerely hope that does not come to pass.

In the meantime, I've added a Reverbnation link to the first post.

Donna

With so many crappy and meaningless lyrics polluting Main Street, USA today, it's such a pleasure experiencing your gems Donna. Though such sad reminiscing tugs at my heartstrings.

Rob gave it the appropriate musical touch.

Best, John

I totally enjoyed this more as a poem than a song personally. I think the music was too aggressive for such a soul searching tune and I am the King of Everything so ......lol !! This is a wonderful and relevant write however. Thanks for sharing !!!

I'm a latecomer---I wssn't going to comment cause I think you've finalized it anyway, but you mentioned possible inputs in performances----I don't find any fault with the lyrics--Excellent. Love the magic carpet line. Anyone who's ever been around any street people would buy the cardboard carpet line right off I'd think--Steep descent from grace fits right in to me.
But, I buy Darrell and a couple others comment that he sounds entirely too happy and "strident" I guess,for the situation .
The thing to me is--where is he in the time of the song" to
me he's on the street thinking about better times. To that end,
though this is probanly to nitty, I'd like to see the C take him away right "Then" ,making the first line---
BUT my magic cardboard carpet
or
THEN my magic cardboard carpet
You may already see it that way--Isee it as "sometimes" his carpet takes him away--I'd see him leaving at every C--living more in the past than the present--hence, happier vocal-more aggresive music

That's probably "Overanalyzing" and it might never have a bearing on performance. A publisher or Producer or arist might bring it up
Very good write-very good music. Probably works fine as is
Y'all did good
Wy
(Scuse the mini novel, I'm not too good with words--Why do I try to write songs then?--Excellent question

John, Darrell (again) and Wy, thanks for dropping by and commenting.

It's interesting to learn how people 'hear' the song. Rather than 'agressive' (Darrell) or 'happy' (Wy), I hear that intensity as a kind of desperation/despair.

As to your observation re 'but' or 'then', I'll mention that to Rob, Wy. But essentially, we're pleased with the result. This lyric was in the revision stage for some time, and there comes a point when one simply says a song is done.

Donna

Gosh though I so love this song. Just reading it without the melody is so powerful and, once again, "living under the bridges I've crossed"...The best line I have heard all year...hands down. That's writing folks !!

Ditto on the lyric and the line.
The girl has GOT it!!!

I am late to this one too, but, I wanted to say I enjoyed the listen - very nice, I didn't "feel" the nitpicks I'm reading thru here in the thread, it worked OK for me as it stands.

Also I "got" the magic-cardboard-carpet reference right away. Didn't need any explanation.

When I clicked in from the title alone I was thinking "children's song" - as in kids playing on a scrap of cardboard that it's a carpet -- but -- it works beautifully in the context you've placed it.

Nice job! Best wishes for it.

Linda

Darrell (again), Wy (again), and Linda, thanks so much for listening, and for your kind comments.

Darrell, at first I wasn't sure that line was going to fly, but I liked it, so kept it in anyway. I'm pleased you get what I was trying to do.

Thanks again, you three.

Donna