Who's Online Now
9 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill), 3,725 guests, and 277 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
ShoutChat
Comment Guidelines: Do post respectful and insightful comments. Don't flame, hate, spam.
What's Going On
Does Billy Joel belong in top 10?
by Fdemetrio - 03/28/24 11:10 PM
It Is Done
by Sunset Poet - 03/28/24 07:44 PM
Music Industry Summit, Athens Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/28/24 06:14 PM
Can you save me from me
by VNORTH2 - 03/28/24 03:11 PM
As human as yo
by ckiphen - 03/28/24 09:55 AM
Fox News Reports Stunning Archeological Discovery.
by couchgrouch - 03/27/24 08:02 PM
Wasting My Time
by David Gill - 03/27/24 07:42 AM
Song available
by JAPOV - 03/26/24 03:38 PM
YELLIN AT CLOUDS
by David Gill - 03/26/24 03:20 PM
"Reliving" the great Lou Rawls!
by Brian Austin Whitney - 03/26/24 01:49 PM
::: The Best In My Life :::
by Bill Draper - 03/26/24 01:32 PM
The show must go on
by ckiphen - 03/26/24 09:06 AM
NYC Motel 1972
by rpirone - 03/26/24 12:43 AM
usic Industry Summitt
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 11:32 PM
The Rant Arena
by JAPOV - 03/25/24 07:39 PM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Song available
by Raymond Byabazaire - 03/25/24 11:55 AM
Lancaster Festival, Lancaster, Ohio
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/25/24 10:51 AM
Wasting my time
by Rob B. - 03/25/24 03:45 AM
Tom Waits.. What's he building
by Fdemetrio - 03/25/24 12:09 AM
Rick Beato, bad lyrics
by Fdemetrio - 03/24/24 11:23 PM
Inspirational Videos Post Them Here
by Sunset Poet - 03/24/24 11:27 AM
Used to take a Genius to Mix
by Fdemetrio - 03/23/24 11:00 AM
She’s missing but she ain’t missing him
by ckiphen - 03/23/24 08:44 AM
"Broken Places"
by Gary E. Andrews - 03/22/24 07:45 PM
All You Are Is A Lie
by Sunset Poet - 03/22/24 06:55 PM
Pour Choices
by Gavin Sinclair - 03/22/24 05:29 PM
Billy's 30 year overdue song.
by Fdemetrio - 03/22/24 01:30 PM
Make my dreams come true
by ckiphen - 03/22/24 10:51 AM
Top Posters
Calvin 19,857
Travis david 12,264
Kevin Emmrich 10,941
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,649
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 9,003
glynda 8,683
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
couchgrouch 8,160
Colin Ward 7,911
Corey 7,357
Vicarn 6,916
Mark Kaufman 6,589
ben willis 6,114
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,608
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Fdemetrio 4,990
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,670
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,389
Roy Cooper 4,271
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,195
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,171
MFB III 4,143
Sunset Poet 4,126
nightengale 4,096
E Swartz 3,985
JAPOV 3,973
beechnut79 3,878
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,845
Dan Sullivan 3,710
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
Nigel Quin 2,891
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
MidniteBob 2,761
Nelson 2,616
Tom Tracy 2,558
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,246
Wendy D 2,235
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
maccharles 2,134
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,041
DukeWill 2,002
floyd jane 1,985
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,652
Noel Downs 1,633
Rick Heenan 1,608
Cal 1,574
GocartMoz 1,559
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,481
Tom Franz 1,473
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Rick Norton 1,429
Kenneth Cade 1,429
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,409
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
Deej56 1,385
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,294
lane1777 1,280
Gerry 1,280
DakLander 1,265
IronKnee 1,262
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,235
Glen King 1,214
VNORTH2 1,212
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,174
Diane Ewing 1,162
ckiphen 1,120
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
9ne 1,035
David Gill 1,032
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
90 dB 964
Wolvman 960
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
ant 798
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
frahmes 781
bennash 763
teletwang 762
Andy K 750
Andy Kemp 749
tbryson 737
Jackie444 731
Irwin 720
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Pat Hardy 692
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Moosesong 668
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
R&M 614
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 590
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 513
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
Rob L 439
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Alek 386
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Ann_F 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
ddreuter 371
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Rob B. 364
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Z - man 350
JamesDF5 348
John K 348
Jaden 344
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 294
markus-ky 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
Char 286
ktunes 285
Top Likes Received
JAPOV 86
VNORTH2 45
bennash 38
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate Thread
#904812 06/22/11 02:03 PM
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 487
Z
Zeek Offline OP
Top 500 Poster
OP Offline
Top 500 Poster
Z
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 487
This is more the rock side of country, if it's country at all! I had the riff forever then it finally all came together years later. Thanks for the listen/comments.

Zeek

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=8771144


Even If The World Goes Dark

Verse 1
Saturday night on the Bayou
River Queen cutting through a moonless sky
Hair whipping everywhere around you
Come a little bit closera--guess what's on my mind

Verse 2
Flickering lights in the distance
Summer rain washing away the years
I thought it was a find night for kissing
Then it sounded like hell was breaking out up here

Chorus
Even if the world goes dark
I got your pretty little face inside my heart
And if it never spins again
I'll dance you all around the room instead
This love ain't never gonna stop
Even if the world goes dark

Verse 3
Everybody running and hiding
Baby we know nothing don't last too long
In a minute the stars'll be shining
Whatever comes honey it don't matter at all

Chorus
Even if the world goes dark
I got your pretty little face inside my heart
And if it never spins again
I'll dance you all around the room instead
This love ain't never gonna stop
Even if the world goes dark


Bridge
I get all tangled up just thinking 'bout you girl
I can't help myself I'm falling hard again

Chorus

Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 442
D
dmk Offline
Serious Contributor
Offline
Serious Contributor
D
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 442
hi zeek, REALLY like the music for this. it's got that sound that i personnally can get carried away with. i don't think the lyrical hook is as strong though, just my opinion. it took me a minute to get the "if it never spins again" to mean the earth. after i got it the rest "i'll spin you around instead" became understandable. verse 2 doesn't work for me at all,what does any of that have to do with the rest of the story? it seems like filler, and does not give me solid information ie. where is "up here",is the singer seeing this girl on the top deck of a river boat? thing is, these lyrics donot convey that fact well enough to give the listener that image without some thot. the first two lines of verse one start to tell a story, then the last two lines, just don't seem to carry over to a useful image that is strong enough to get a visual of the girl. ok, just read verse one again. "river queen" is the woman not a "river boat" but that's what i mean, i wasn't sure what you were describing and in a three or four minute time frame it's important to get the information out crystal clear from the get go. this does feel like a country song to me, country rock, and in country songs you want to say it REAL clear unlike in a bob dylan song or something like that. so i think this could be a great song but you need to work on the story and the images. i wouldn't take the time to say all this except that i really like the music and feel it needs better lyrics. hope this is useful to you and it is intended to be helpful and offered in a good spirit, loved the music.

peace,dmk

Last edited by dmk; 06/22/11 04:57 PM.
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 4,507
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 4,507
Zeek...talented guy....first one of yours I've listened to...you write music at a level where I'll give it to you straight, cut to the chase so to speak...if I were trying to make it better next take i would do a lyric rewrite so there is more of something for the listener to be drawn in by- the first 2 verses don't do that, the 3rd lacks something as well...yea verse rewite in order all the way around...the chorus is great- write to that...literally make every line point toward that chorus...music has a good feel- the riff you spoke about writing from is strong enough to carry a song if the other parts aren't detracting from it by being weaker than it...ain't it a bitch, ya get a great part and they all gotta be great- least common denominator rule... smile
arrangement is very good...again....lyrics/verses rewrite...i would cut on out about 20 seconds earlier...be well...write on...moker

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 487
Z
Zeek Offline OP
Top 500 Poster
OP Offline
Top 500 Poster
Z
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 487
Moker/dmk--great thoughts, ones I've felt myself. I had the riff/chorus forever and failed to tie the chorus theme to the verse lyrics. Melody is in place--just have to do it!

Zeek

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710
Top 100 Poster
Offline
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710
Zeek, You've got a good title and hook: Even if the world goes dark. And the song rocks. The kind that you can hear shaking the walls and blasting out into a Honky Tonk parking lot in Anywhere, USA. I dunno about the lyrics. I wouldn't worry about them too much. The music drives this song. The lyrics are just along for the ride. If you can sharpen them, fine. If not, that's okay too. Good job.


Write from your heart, not what you think others want to hear.

https://dansullivan2.bandcamp.com

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/dansullivan2
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210
Top 50 Poster
Offline
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210
Originally Posted by Zeek
This is more the rock side of country, if it's country at all! I had the riff forever then it finally all came together years later. Thanks for the listen/comments.

Zeek

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=8771144

The music is awesome...and catchy and you sound good too!!
Even If The World Goes Dark

Verse 1
Saturday night on the Bayou
River Queen cutting through a moonless sky--here I am not sure if you see if from a distance or if you are riding it?
Hair whipping everywhere around you--maybe on this line, make us know you are on the boat?
Come a little bit closera--guess what's on my mind I like this verse for the most part, though, I am not 100% sure by this verse you are on the boat...but assume you are...maybe make it clearer?

Verse 2
Flickering lights in the distance
Summer rain washing away the years
I thought it was a find ;)FINE night for kissing
Then it sounded like hell was breaking out up here --this line confused me...is there a fight?

Chorus
Even if the world goes dark
I got your pretty little face inside my heart
And if it never spins again
I'll dance you all around the room instead-- Nat, I feel a disconnect into why he would dance her around the room...I like the fact that her face will be in his heart.. wonder how it would be to say even WHEN the world goes dark...I feel like that the idea of the world going dark, are you meaning actually the world ending or is it a representative of bad times? if it's just about bad times, I would use that in the verses..examples..because the idea of him being there for her no matter what is cool...
This love ain't never gonna stop
Even if the world goes dark

Verse 3
Everybody running and hiding--as I mentioned in the chorus, what about making this about bad times, and then say we know nothing bad lasts too long...?
Baby we know nothing don't last too long
In a minute the stars'll be shining
Whatever comes honey it don't matter at all

Chorus
Even if the world goes dark
I got your pretty little face inside my heart
And if it never spins again
I'll dance you all around the room instead
This love ain't never gonna stop
Even if the world goes dark


Bridge
I get all tangled up just thinking 'bout you girl
I can't help myself I'm falling hard again --Nat, this also disconnects..maybe tell us why you will always be there, or how you can depend on her, just as she does on you? I like the lines but not with this lyric..make sense? Chorus


Nat, I listened to this yesterday but then had to go fix dinner, so I thought I would come back to it. I like the music a lot..the chorus is catchy, but I am not sure about the end of the world scenerio...it makes it not as relateable to me...ya know how couples are struggling in this day and time, jobs, forclosures etc...maybe come up with ways that one's world can feel dark and how being in love and finding strength in that helps you see the light once again. I hate to tear at your lyric like this, but I feel with this wonderful hook and music....it deserves a bit better story, and then I think you will have a hit. big time. good luck! smile --Kim
edit...I just came back and saw that some others seemed to feel the same about the lyrics, so I would not let it get you down but whip this bad boy into shape and you have a winner!!!

Last edited by Kimberlyinnc; 06/23/11 04:40 PM.

*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!**
BMI Member All Rights Reserved
http://www.littleikepublishing.com
Email for Song Business Only
littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 487
Z
Zeek Offline OP
Top 500 Poster
OP Offline
Top 500 Poster
Z
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 487
It was meant to be where they were on a boat, the River Queen. Thunderstorm coming like they do so often down there, rain, hell breaking loose--the thunderstorm. Everybody (tourists maybe) running around, but they know storms pass quickly...almost a metaphor for life's troubles. I know it needs to be clearer but I'm not gonna spell it out and risk losing the imagery I have. Maybe a few tweaks will hopefully do it. That said with the verses, does the chorus make more sense?

Even through darkest times, not end of the world stuff, he's got her heart. Even if the world came to a stop, he'd make up for it by dancing her around the room instead--all metaphors. Clearer?

Zeek


Link Copied to Clipboard
Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Newest Members
chriscastle, yasir252, cathennashira, Samwise, HappySousa
21,470 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
warriorgirl (2024)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5