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I thought before I went any further with production on this song I would post it for ideas. I like it how it is but I'm sure it could be better. Every time I tried to add things to it it just never worked out. Complicated it too much I think. I'm not really a George Michael wannabe I just seem to take my songs in that direction (imo) sometimes! All crits welcome so don't hold back! SORRY ABOUT SOME OF THE VOCAL PITCH ISSUES AND THE WHISTLING IS PRETTY LAME TOO! http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=11726116&q=hiSTARS DIE TOO YOU BURNED AN ATMOSPHERE WHERE I COULD NOT FOLLOW THROUGH TO YOUR NEW FRONTIER I WISH THAT I HAD YOUR FAITH WISH I COULD FEEL YOUR BREATH BUT YOUR LIGHT YEARS AWAY CHORUS ITS SO COLD IN MY WORLD WITHOUT YOU STYLE SUDDENLY IM ALONE IN MY WORLD WITHOUT YOUR SMILE TIME YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FACE I CAN FEEL YOUR STARE I JUST CANT TURN AWAY TIME WHY WONT YOU HEAL MY WOUND IVE GOT TO LIVE MY LIFE WHERE STARS DIE TOO CHORUS BRIDGE HANGING ON YOUR SHOOTING STAR IN VAIN MY LIFE IS GROUNDED IN SO MANY WAYS YOUR IN SPACE CHORUS ENDING I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN CAUSE STARS...DIE...TOO (REPEAT)
Last edited by Ricky Layne; 06/24/12 09:25 PM.
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Good title--it pulled me in That's what titles--hooks are supposed to do However the title isn't backed up much in the chorus Just some thoughts on the C
Like a dying star That's lost it's fuel Your love burned out But then stars die too
Keep or sweep
Last edited by Wyman Lloyd; 06/24/12 10:14 PM.
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Hey Ricky, I like it and the whistling wasn't lame at all. I do believe it could use a bit of keyboard or something to add to the acoustic guitar. Nothing complicated or anything. I hear the strings in there and they sound pretty classy. If you don't like the idea of adding some keys, maybe some light electric guitar fills to compliment the acoustic in the beginning. Just my thoughts.
Danny
The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing of." —Blaise Pascal, 1670
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ricky.... enjoyed this. i agree with wyman though... stars die too should end your chorus' so it is repeated more often? not sold on the line "without your style" either, kinda comes out of left field and to me it's strictly to rhyme with "without your smile"? doesn't mean anything to me unless it's a newer saying that i haven't heard? good one dude!! :))))) scotty
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Wyman,
Thank you. I think you are correct with stars die too in the chorus. For a quick revision off of the top of my head using the same lyrics:
CHORUS ITS SO COLD IN MY WORLD WITHOUT YOUR SMILE AND I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN CAUSE STARS DIE TOO
Something like that? I may have to stick with a rhyme for smile;too?
I also agree with style. That has bothered me just a bit. It was smile;smile, which sounded ok too but I thought it would be nice to change the word and style was what stuck for now.
Thanks, Ricky
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Thanks Wyman,
Good suggestions! I will certainly consider those lyrics and I agree that stars die too should be in the chorus somehow. (see comment above)
Appreciate it! Thanks for taking the time.
Ricky
Last edited by Ricky Layne; 06/25/12 03:37 AM.
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Thanks Danny,
I will try to improve my whistling and maybe I can keep it in there.
I wrote this song on guitar BUT always heard it in my mind with a nice piano behind it. I have fooled around with that a little and it sounds pretty sweet! If I can come up with some decent piano playing I hope to include it in the final mix with fuller guitar and strings. Hope to keep the chorus simple/intimate though.
I think we hear some similar things for this song!
Thanks for taking the time.
Ricky
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Hi Ricky...
What can I say...I'm a huge fan of yours...and I'm loving this...so much true raw emotion and it's GREAT.....
glyn
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Great start. Vocals reflect Raw emotions.
I think it's a cool arrangement.
Good luck with it.
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Hi Ricky, This is so beautiful! The 1st thing that didn't feel right to me was "style" but I see you've already changed that. I like you're new chorus lyric very much and I think it will sound great! A few comments below. YOU BURNED AN ATMOSPHERE WHERE I COULD NOT FOLLOW THROUGH TO YOUR NEW FRONTIER I WISH THAT I HAD YOUR FAITH WISH I COULD FEEL YOUR BREATH BUT YOUR LIGHT YEARS AWAY CHORUS ITS SO COLD IN MY WORLD WITHOUT YOU STYLE SUDDENLY IM ALONE IN MY WORLD WITHOUT YOUR SMILE TIME YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FACE I don't understand this line, it sounds great but I don't know what it means. I CAN FEEL YOUR STARE I JUST CANT TURN AWAY TIME I don't think it's a good idea to start both of these verses with time. Maybe you could start one of these last 2 verses with "now" bringing it into the present?WHY WONT YOU HEAL MY WOUND IVE GOT TO LIVE MY LIFE WHERE STARS DIE TOO CHORUS BRIDGE HANGING ON YOUR SHOOTING STAR IN VAIN MY LIFE IS GROUNDED IN SO MANY WAYS YOUR IN SPACE Maybe in " in your space"? CHORUS ENDING I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN CAUSE STARS...DIE...TOO (REPEAT) This is so beautiful I just think it needs a little lyrical tweaking, it's almost there!!! Dottie
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Ricky I love the feel of this tune! Im not real good at putting crits to paper but here a couple of suggestions... CHORUS IT’S SO COLD IN MY WORLD Far away from youSUDDENLY IM ALONE IN MY WORLD Where Stars die tooV3 TIME Just can’t find a trace once you shined so bright why must you burn awayJust a thought, keep in mind the radio aint playing my songs Cheers Paul
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Dottie
Thank you very much much for your suggestions. How about
TIME YOU CAN TURN YOUR FACE I CAN FEEL YOU STARE I JUST CANT LOOK AWAY
I think that would give it a double meaning in my mind.
I also like NOW for the start of the last verse. Very good sugg!
Thanks Ricky
Last edited by Ricky Layne; 06/27/12 12:38 AM.
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Ricky. This is very nice. A few bars reminded me of Bob segar's "Still the same".
Style has got to go IMHO ITS SO COLD IN MY WORLD "Where did you fly?" Or "And the reason why is". If not, then using smile twice is ok in this chorus. I also think the minor chord at the end of the first line of the bridge seems to intrude on the otherwise gentleness. Maybe that was your intention but it didn't work well to my ears. Overall though I like it a lot. Vic
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Hey Ricky: Very nice! I think the chorus should end with the title line too. (That is a very cool title line). I was going to suggest that your chorus was short enough that you could keep it as is, go up melodically on "time" and then tack some lines (including the title) onto the end. Then I notice you did that at the end of the song. Whistling is cool. This is something I discovered that you might want to try: whistle the part three times and put them all together in the mix. Makes it sound fuller and minimizes "warbles" in any one of the parts. Nice song! Scott
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Very appealing melody Ricky. I'm sure this is "wide audience" friendly. Title's cool. I'll let the lyric gods critique your lyrics. Your vocal's perfect for this song. Best, John
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Thank you Glynda! Hopefully when it's finished it will even get better!
Ricky
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Nelson,
Thanks man! I appreciate you taking the time for sure!!!
Ricky
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Paul,
Thanks for the kind words and I like your suggestions! I also noticed your comment in the shout box and I appreciate that too! I had to head out to work or I would have responded sooner.
I am going to revisit the lyrics and will definitely keep these in mind.
Thanks again, Ricky
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Ricky,
Long time, glad to see you doing your own song!
I agree with the "style" and new chorus with the hook, but you know all of that stuff.
Sounds great, but I think your phrasing of "atmosphere" is odd and you lose an opportunity to use "Years/away" to your advantage in storytelling. I would hold years and then make "away" emotional, I think it would agee with the tone of the lyric. I do like it, hope you post the final version.
Tammy
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Vic,
Thanks for taking the time. I will revisit the lyrics for sure on this. A few things here and there will really tighten this up I think.
Thanks, Ricky
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Thanks Scott.
I really want to thank you for the advice on the whistling and for future songs I will utilize that technique for sure! Still contemplating whether I will keep the whistling on this song though. Might depend on what the final mix sounds like.
Thanks, Ricky
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Thank you John,
I really appreciate it. I think wide audience friendly is what I am after most of the time. I'm glad you think so.
Ricky
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Ricky, As more people know more and more about astronomy, it begins to seep into our songs. Yours made me think of The Beatles' "Across The Universe." Jim
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Thanks Tams!
A couple of very valid observations on your part. Thank you. This song will hopefully evolve into something even better with a fuller production that I hope to finish and post.
Ricky
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hi Jim,
Thanks for listening. I hope to tighten up the lyrics to make this an even better song. Maybe it will go supernova!
Ricky
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