Hi, all,

So after my first MP3 post, I learned I needed to figure out how to lay tracks. So, it's early on in my education, but at least the vocals and guitar work are on separate tracks on this effort. I'm going to enlist a friend to lay down some bass--and then have to think about percussion. Can't figure out how to make the GarageBand drummer do anything I want it to.

It's a simple song, nothing profound, and bottom line, it's raw. Final caveat, the lyrics are in flux--won't say what specifically bugs me because I'd like to see if what bugs me bugs you. So all in all, a rough cut, but wanted to share before I spend too much time on it.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts. You are all so kind with your suggestions.

Please Come Home

(V) Up all night replaying every scene—
can’t believe that I could be that mean.
I got too drunk and then my big fat mouth
opened up and the words came out.

(PC) I could tell by the light in her blue eyes,
almost hear her heart just break.
I’d like to say it’s OK but I won’t lie—
it’s not my first mistake.

(C) So I’m hoping that she knows I’m sorry.
I’m hoping she picks up the phone.
I’m hoping I can hold her tomorrow,
because I ain’t no good alone.
I’m begging baby, please come home.

(V) We were kids when we first met—
and there’s so many things I still don’t get.
All her friends and her family
they swear up and down she’s just too good for me.

(PC) And all the times I thought they were all right—
that she would leave like they said she would.
But all the million times I’ve screwed up,
she’s always understood.

(C) So I’m hoping that she knows I’m sorry.
I’m hoping she picks up the phone.
I’m hoping I can hold her tomorrow,
because she’s all I’ve ever known.
I’m begging baby, please come home.

(B) I get there are ugly words
in this world you can’t erase.
But I wanna hold her in my arms.
I want to tell her I can change.

(C) So I’m hoping that she knows I’m sorry.
I’m hoping she picks up the phone.
I’m hoping I can tell her I love her
because she can’t be really gone.
I’m begging baby, please come home.
I’m begging baby, please come home.

(c) 2017 DJ Lekich

Hello Deej,

Hey, you sound good.
I think a few words could be removed to make the song smoother....

V) We were kids when we first met—
and there’s so many things I still don’t get.
All her friends and her family
they swear up and down she’s just too good for me

I really like these lines....
I’m hoping I can hold her tomorrow,
because I ain’t no good alone.

Overall, I think you did a real good job

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

It's not a song style that I know much about but I like the sound of your voice. Reminds me of Mellenkamp. Bass would warm it up some.

This sounds a lot like Springsteens Growing Up. (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Cs-bZ2YX0). But not in a bad way, in a good way.

But it also sounds a bit like Counting Crows, and some modern folk pop songs

I like the singers voice, and the story is solid.

Enjoyed my listen

This is awesome Deej. I love the pace and fast delivery, lyrically maybe a little wordy but easy enough to fix.

When I read that line in the first chorus: Because I ain't no good alone, I thought that could make for an interesting title. Please Come Home is a bit common but No Good Alone feels a little more powerful. Just a thought.

If you do add instrumentation to it, be sure to post it so we can hear it all grown up.

Ricki

Calvin, Martin, Trent and Ricki, thanks all so much for taking the time to listen and comment. As always, it's much appreciated.

Calvin and Ricki, agree that I can drop a few words here and there to smooth things out a bit. My lyrics always seem to lean towards wordy and that's something I have to work on. Calvin, thanks for the suggestion.

As for song style, Martin--I wrote the darn thing and I'm not even sure I know what style it is. LOL! :-)

Like this one, good voice too. I honestly didn't have much issue with the lyrics, the only one that stilted me when I first heard it was "but all the million times". But I tend to get wordy in the things I do as well. As long as they're purposeful and have good rhythm, I don't think it matters how many words you use. You're fine.

Not a fan of the bridge chord progression with the vocal melody on top. They don't follow each other well enough to justify the variety of chords, feels like you're just throwing in random chords to spice it up. Simplify, or restructure that vocal melody (but be careful not to make it awkward for the sake of keeping the progression).

I'm curious to hear what you do with the rest of the instrumentation. Do you have a 12-string? I think that might be a nice substitution. Or complement.

Good stuff, looking forward to hearing it fully developed.

Hi Deej56,

This is a polished performance and a brilliant song.

I'm not a big fan of many tempo changes in a song (probably why I'm not a big Zappa fan) unless the song really sells them, lyrically/content wise, and the very first tempo change felt awkward to me, but the rest flowed by like they were meant to be, including the same 'slow down' at 1:10 that is structurally the same as the one at 0:19 that I thought felt awkward, only at 1:10 it's working better for me.

Mike

Alex and Michael, appreciate much the time you've taken to share your thoughts--it helps a lot.

Alex:

I'm curious to hear what I do with the rest of the instrumentation as well--because, to be honest, I have no clue. :-) Your suggestion of the twelve string is brilliant. I don't have one, but my buddy does, so at first opportunity I'll mess with this on his. I think some of the runs and chord progressions will really sing (no pun intended) so thanks for the suggestion--not sure I would have thought of it otherwise. I'm not sure I'm following your comments on the bridge, but will give it a close listen in light of your comments.

Michael:

You're right that the second break works better than the first. For some reason--probably my limited guitar skills--when I play this it takes a while for me to get going. And you're right--that first break doesn't sound quite as smooth as I'd like (close, but no cigar). You have no idea how many takes it took me to get past the first verse. But once beyond it, the rest flows when I play. Something to thing about when I re-record.

You've all given me a lot to think about. Much thanks.

Deej

Deej,

I didn't read any other comments, so if I duplicate anyone's thoughts, sorry. Sometimes I like to allow my first impression not to be influenced by other's thoughts. Wow, this is really good! I love the chorus, the word "hoping" is just really a powerful hook word.

Okay, not really any major nits from me. What I would suggest lyrically that you may consider would be with Verse 2. I really like the opening line--"We were just kids when we first met." Great topic sentence here, which gives you IMO an opportunity to add a real past "positive/happy" memory for song theme contrast. I'm not keen on the line "there are some things I just don't get." (you get it but don't like it) that her family/friends look down on you. I'd opt for a verse that builds off that opening verse line as a memory that makes you "hate" that you were such a jerk as of recent to contrast emotions--making the chorus feel more tragic that you may lose this great girl--"food for thought/use or lose." If you don't change that verse theme, maybe play with those lines a bit, such as lose the "up and down" cliche'. Maybe just say swear, with a pause. Experiment, but I'd like to see you say something that ends more like "I can still smell/see/touch type" end line to give you a 180 degree of emotion there when you go back to your PC and C.

This is a real nice song--great job, much potential!

steady-eddie.

Hi Deej,

Very cool song -- it sounds great!
It looks like you're getting some nice suggestions too!
The one picky lyric change I'd suggest is that, in the second PC, you might want to say:

And all the times I thought they ALL were right—

The way you have it, it sounds like you're saying they're "alright" -- like, "those people are alright" -- instead of that all of them are right!

Lisa

Hey there Deej...........the recording sounds OK. Your vocals are really good, man! Love the singing.
I think the guitar work is good, and the writing on the guitar is even better....just a bit more spit and polish will make that guitar really shine. The song itself, is awesome. Super writing, and worthy enough to be played on anyone's album;
Very good stuff!
-Tom

Just a quick note of thanks to Eddie, Lisa G., and Ironknee. I appreciate that you took the time to listen and comment--I will take your suggestions and feedback all to heart.

Eddie, in my preface I noted there were a few aspects of the lyrics that bothered me, and you nailed one. I struggled with the second line of the second verse, and ultimately settled on an admittedly lazy lyric, despite the intent. I'm loathe to rewrite the second verse wholesale, only because it hooks into the second pre-chorus--and I like the whole "they thought you would leave me, sometimes I did too, but you never did, but now you have" vibe. So I'll opt to tweak it, but your point is well taken. Actually (and this is what bugs me most), I think the weakest part of my lyrics are the bridge. Your suggestion of solidifying the contrasting emotions is a great one. I think the bridge is my opportunity to really express that. Will revisit.

All the best,

Deej