You Lied!
(c) March 2005
trudifcross66

Shattered dreams... broken trust
Faded roses from sweeter days
Tear stains on a wedding dress
Wilted bridal bouquets

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like an orchid in the rain
It would wither from the pain
You tore my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... and crushed my heart
You lied!... You lied to me!

Battered emotion... broken cheek
So few words left for us to say
Tear stains left on a bloody shirt
Wicked anger... run away

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like an orchid in the rain
It would wither from the pain
You tore my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... and crushed my heart
You lied!... You lied to me!

Damn your cheating heart... and the women who took you there
You had no right to do this to me... you're sorry... but I don't care!
How much you think I can take... before I loose my mind... it's not fair!

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like an orchid in the rain
It would wither from the pain
You tore my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... and crushed my heart
You lied!... You lied to me!

You left me a broken woman, in a bitter world...
All because...YOU LIED!
Damn you... YOU LIED!

Woooo Trudi!!!

this is a hard hitting piece, are you turning into a "rocker" ha! no nits from me

This is nice, Trudi. Very emotional stuff... but still well crafted, that's a tough balance to achieve. This part bugs me a bit:
Please... don't break my heart
Like an orchid in the rain
It would wither from the pain
Even though "Like an orchid..." is a separate thought from that first line, it still reads like they are meant to work together, and they don't. Other than that, this is almost ready for music. Good luck with it!

Corey

Hi Trudi,

This is very powerful.

Wilted WHITE bouquet (think it is stronger to allude to the bouquet being her bridal bouquet but don't need to come out and state that.)

Not sure ending two different lines of the chorus with the word "heart" works all that well. Maybe:
You lied!... LEFT MY HEART TO BLEED
You lied!... You lied to me!

The second verse seems awkward...like some important info is left out.
Battered emotionS... broken cheek
So few words left for us to say
Tear stains left on a bloody shirt
Wicked anger... run away (This line isn't clear to me...not sure "wicked" works with anger and I don't know who ran away. Then in hte next chorus you are back on the knees...so who ran, how long were they gone. There is a timeline issue here.)

Think this will be a good one when you polish it up a tad.

All the best, dear Canuckian angel!!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Thanks Ritt, Bobbie and Cory...
Bobbie I made your suggested changes and changed the last line in the 2v to hopefully explain better... Cory with Orchid in the rain... it is meant to express that the singers heart is delicate like the orchid and with an orchid the rain can cause it damage very easily... I will think on that one some more... Thank you all!

You Lied!
(c) March 2005
trudifcross66

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like an orchid in the rain
It would wither from the pain
You tore my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

Shattered dreams... broken trust
Faded roses from sweeter days
Tear stains on a wedding dress
Wilted white bouquet

Battered emotions... broken cheek
So few words left for us to say
Tear stains left on a bloody shirt
Flared anger... got away

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like an orchid in the rain
It would wither from the pain
You tore my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

Damn your cheating heart... and the women who took you there
You had no right to do this to me... you're sorry... but I don't care!
How much you think I can take... before I loose my mind... it's not fair!

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like an orchid in the rain
It would wither from the pain
You tore my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

You left me a broken woman, in a bitter world...
All because...YOU LIED!
Damn you... YOU LIED!


[This message has been edited by Trudi (edited 03-21-2005).]

Hi Trudi! I really like this and what you have done with it. Very powerful use of words and well put together! The only thing I may suggest here is on the line Corey pointed out I see both of your points but think it just needs to be written a bit different to explain better what you are trying to say. Here's my stab at it and another keep or sweep of course.

"Fragile as Orchids in the rain"

Great writing and keep on cranking them out. I'd love to hear this one to music! Kudos!

Your friend,
David

Hi Trudi

still a big fan of the original

i like the in your face opening

Hi Trudi, well I just wanted to come back by and see how this was progressing along. After reading Ritt's last reply I have to agree with him if the fact that I like the hard hitting (in your face) impact of the original opening verse. I also see several of the others points so I hope you don't mind but I just had to play around with this some because I really like it. As usual keep or sweep but this hard hitting song shouldn't be made softer after further consideration.

Your friend,
David


You Lied!
(c) March 2005
trudifcross66

Shattered dreams... broken trust
Faded roses from sweeter days
Tear stains on a wedding dress
Wilted bridal bouquets (like it as is, though slightly redundant because we know they are bridal bouquets it's hard hitting!)

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
But like Orchids beat in rain(added "but" because it has happened and "beat" because some may not relate to what the rain can do to an Orchid)
It has withered, suffered pain(added "has" again because it has happened)
You’ve ripped my world apart(changed torn to "ripped" sounds harder hitting to me)
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

Battered emotions…broken cheeks
So few words left for us to say
Tear stains left on a bloody shirt
Wicked anger’s raging away(love "wicked anger" since I believe that the level of anger does vary! Added "raging" to help resolve issues)

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
But like Orchids beat in rain
It has withered, suffered pain
You’ve ripped my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

Damn your cheating heart... and the women who took you there
You had no right to do this to me... you're sorry... but I don't care!
How much you think I can take... before I loose my mind... it's not fair!

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
But like Orchids beat in rain
It has withered, suffered pain
You’ve ripped my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

You left me a broken woman, in a bitter world...
All because...YOU LIED!
Damn you... YOU LIED!

[This message has been edited by hotrod (edited 03-21-2005).]

BE honest Ritt... so do I and I'm going to change it back! thank you

Ok folks thank you all so much for ideas and thoughts on this one... I took some advice on putting the chorus first bu my heart told me to put it back this way... I have changed a few things I hope with make it easier to understand and tighten it up a bit... Thank you so much! Trudi

You Lied!
(c) March 2005
trudifcross66

Shattered dreams... broken trust
Faded roses from sweeter days
Tear stains on a wedding dress
Wilted white bouquet

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like orchids in driving rain
It would bruise under the strain
You slashed my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

Battered emotions... broken cheek
So few words left for us to say
Tear stains left on a bloody shirt
Flared anger... got away

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like orchids in driving rain
It would bruise under the strain
You slashed my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

Damn your cheating heart... and the women who took you there
You had no right to do this to me... you're sorry... but I don't care!
How much you think I can take... before I loose my mind... it's not fair!

I went down on my knees... begging you
Please... don't break my heart
Like orchids in driving rain
It would bruise under the strain
You slashed my world apart
Promised it would never happen again
You lied!... left my heart to bleed
You lied!... You lied to me!

You left me a broken woman, in a bitter world...
But.... I'll Survive...YOU LIED!
Damn you... YOU LIED!

Ohhh Trudi,

Why don't you tell us how you really feel. Powerful job of letting those emotions spill out on paper. I like the final take and can't wait to hear this one. You should be able to do it up with some real 'tude.

Larry

------------------
www.taylormadesongs.com

LOL... thank you Larry...
You don't think maybe I was bit choked when I wrote this one do you lol... Thank you I would like to see this one find music and a voice also... Cheers Trudi

Hi Trudi,

Hang your hat on this one. Damn girl, this one puts the P in Pain and the YOU in
GOD-DAMN-YOU. The stongest point is "YOU LIED". I would suggest ending each chorus with YOU LIED. Obviously I can't hear the song being sung so I have nothing to compare to so you be the artist and final judge. GOOD JOB. Monte

Morning, Trudi. I don't know why but I can relate to rose petals better than I can with orchids as something more relative to weddings. I can see by your posts that you like the orchid idea, though, so best of luck with it!

------------------
"Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land among the stars." -- Les Brown
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/triciabakermusic.htm

hi Trudi, I'm with Ritt on this one. I can hear it as a hard driving rocker.

Like Bobbie said, it is powerful as well.

The last lines of the second verse and the bridge lead into the chorus VERY well.

The last line of the first verse is a good line, good imagery, but doesn't quite lead into the chorus as strong as the others.
(Keep in mind, this is coming from someone who has just been writing for less than a year )

Best of luck with it, a powerful vocalist should have no trouble pouring the emotion out with this one.

Tony