Yeah, this is better. Its still a bit narrative. I think it be better in first person. But what i really like about your writing is how concise it is. Its hard to say alot with so little, but thats really what songs are, at least pop music, getting as much info as you can in as few words as possible. Unless your writing a B side, and you have the space and time to tell a bigger story. I try to combine it, but its not always easy

Take a look at this, in first person, by my boy, The Boss... the details matter too, of course without overdoing it.

https://www.flashlyrics.com/lyrics/bruce-springsteen/the-rising-18