I'm gonna make myself look real smart and just say, "Ditto what Bob said."

Actually, I was all set to do the tinkering, even had your words copied and I stumbled onto Hobes' critique and I thought to myself, "WOW! THAT'S how to critique!" I'm just not really good at trying to explain myself, and find it easier just to offer alternative suggestions. But, I feel you learn so much more when you get a critique like Bob's and "forge ahead" in the rewrites. You've got some great lines here, but although I know you're getting REALLY great with the condensing and economizing, I still feel there's some unnecessary words. But, I know you'll find them.

Great start!!
[Linked Image] Tink
p.s. But... if'n ya want me to tinker, I'd do that, too!

p.p.s. YEH!! Let's do the kidnap thing!!! I can't wait to get us all together!!


The Artist formerly known as TINK ;\)

I write so I can breathe...

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=29337