Diane, I like the basic idea and the notion of the eyes keeping a man mesmerised.

I feel, though, the lyric is too long with six verses. It also changes direction in V5 & 6. I'd suggest dropping two verses. Keep the focus, and simply keep the story a love song about a guy and the girl he loves. He might sometimes want to wander, but her eyes keep him on the straight and narrow.

I agree with John about not using the hook in every section. It leaves nothing interesting for the chorus. I'd also suggest having a bridge after a second chorus. For instance, the structure could be V/V/Ch/V/Ch/Br/Ch.

If you stay with the hook, to avoid ambiguity you'd need to hyphenate 'stay-with-me'.

I hope these comments are helpful. KOS. wink

Donna

Stay With Me Eyes
(c) Diane Ewing. (2012)

(V) 1
Saturday evening. They're cruisin the bars. Make it clear to whom 'they' refers.
The search for the one and done prize. The sense is unclear. What does 'one and done' mean?
He buys a six pack, gets into his car,
and heads home to her and her
stay with me eyes.

(V) 2
There was a time he thought he could leave her,
only till he realized,
secret attempts he made to deceive her
were stopped by her clairvoyant
stay with me eyes.

(Chorus) Needs more emotion, more passion.
Not much of a looker,
An only fair cooker, 'Cooker' also means 'stove'. She'd be a 'fair cook'. Suggest rethinking lines 1 & 2, especially to make her sound more appealing.
but she has the needed supplies, This sounds kind of cold.
to keep her man home
she's never alone.
It's too hard to see past her
stay with me eyes.

(V) 3
They first looked like sapphires, passionate blue,
but that was an eyeball disguise. The term 'eyeball disguise' sounds awkward and distracts from the appeal of the previous line.
He would have run then, if only he knew,
he'd soon be a slave to her
stay with me eyes.

(V) 4
Finally accepted he'll never move on,
almost like he's paralyzed.
As he expected, her grip is too strong.
A hold that accompanies 'Accompanies' is formal.
stay with me eyes.

(Chorus)

(V) 5 This takes the story in a completely different direction. Suggest dropping V5 & 6.
Comes home to a dark house, note on the door.
What an ironic surprise.
She dumped him and took off, she wanted more.
He earned a release from her
stay with me eyes.

(V) 6
He drops in the easy chair, note still in hand.
Kind of a sad compromise.
He regained his freedom, like he once planned,
but wishes deep down he had
stay with me eyes.

(Chorus)

Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.

Life is too important to take seriously.