JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 THANKS FOR THE REWRITE

(Editor's Note: Not so sure I totally like this one; not so sure I totally hate it either. Love it or hate it, here she is.)

Thanks for the Rewrite

I wrote a love song for you
With six strings and a pen
For your green eyes and your brown hair
And the way we were back then

Then you went and left
Headed back to Okarche
Nothing but a worn-out Martin
And a voice that's way off key

I'd thank you for the rewrite
But you made my life a wreck
If we ever hit the Billboard, babe
Not sure I'll send a check

I sat down to cut a demo
It all came off the track
Cause words and music stick around
And you're never coming back

The verse became a curse
And the chorus wouldn't sing
I came to the bridge and burned it
Then I broke a guitar string

I'd thank you for the rewrite
But you made my life a wreck
If we ever hit the Billboard, babe
Not sure I'll send a check

When I wrote this love song for you
Six strings and a pen
For your green eyes and your brown hair
And the way we were back then

Hey Chris
An interesting take on a song, and well written too. Nice work

Peace
Joe

hey Chris i really like that 4th verse!Sounds like this could the girl's last song he's gonna sing for her.Mike

Hey, Chris. Don't have much time right now, so I'll just comment on the first 2 verses. In V1, "when" in L1 and "for" in L3 don't connect with each other. I'd leave out "when" at the start of the song. In v2, there's nothing there to establish that L3-4 are about you, not her. I think something needs to be there to make the character switch. I'll try to get back later. ok, I'm back Nothing really to add on the rest of the lyric, just that it may be a little too inside baseball for the general public. But it's fun for writers.

Bill

This is another good lyric Chris,you bring something fresh to the boards your style.Enjoyed the read
Travis

Nice, an interesting direction you took with this, that worked well. Like Travis said, I like the style. Good work

Hi Chris,

I liked this. Bit of a different angle on relationship songs.

Maybe say their love's been overdubbed and he's off down the pub!

Phil.

Chris.
There's a lot going for it. As Mike says, V4 is clever.
Vic

Hi Chris,

I don't usually explain why I've suggested changes and some writers can't see why or don't care to ask or both . . . but I started reading and these are the things that stood out to me as needing strengthening.

I stopped here because with no guarantee of receptivity, I could spend a half hour rewriting the song for a let-down return.

Cheers,
Terry


I wrote a love song DEDICATED TO you
With six strings and a pen
TO your green eyes and LONG brown hair (some desc. of her hair)
And the way we were back then

Then you UP and left (When did she leave?? Doesn't connect to first verse the way it reads)
Headed back to Okarche
Nothing but a worn-out Martin (whose Martin . . . hers?)
And a voice that's way off key

Joe: Thanks for the peak, man.

Michael: Yeah, that 4th verse is sorta the reason for the whole lyric. Wish I liked the rest of them as much as that!

Bill: As always, thanks for the good edits. Already implemented a few.

Travis: Ha ha, fresher than a McDonald's french fry wedged underneath my driver's seat, but thanks for the kind words, buddy.

L. James: Thank you for looking, sir.

Phil: Ah, if we only had pubs over here! Personally, I think I'd prefer a pub to a bar, if I had my choice...

Vic: Not wild west, but I gotta go where that sorry excuse for a muse takes me.

Terry: Thanks for chiming in, Terry. I take critique well...sometimes too well and I keep rewriting and rewriting. I will absolutely take your comments into consideration, so please send more my way if you are so inspired!

Hi Chris,

This is nice -- I enjoyed the read!! It kind of reminded me of that old song, a favorite of mine, that goes, "it's the last song, I'll ever sing for you...." I don't even know who sings it!

Lisa

P.S. I just looked it up -- Edward Bear. Hmmmm...Edward Bear...all these years, I never knew...