JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum song a week challenge #8

Here's the new one…. Would love any critiques or thoughts!

http://youtu.be/6zdu2PZ_Vv0
(this is an updated link with a much better mix….thank you eddie for the honest critique! It's not perfect, but I can sleep a little better now

BURNING PASTURES FOR GREENER GRASS
By Aaron Barber
© 2014

VERSE
Snow finally melted away
I’d love to forget this past winter
Just when you think it’s here to stay
It waves a flag in surrender
We watch the embers every spring
Southern fields with built in charm
On the edge of our little patch
The fires roar in the dark

CHORUS
It feels a bit strange
When we leave the past
Celebrate a change
With the toss of a match
We might get a scar
That forever lasts
We were burning pastures for greener grass

VERSE
He ain’t her Romeo
At least that’s what she wrote
In a letter that was charred
In the fireplace of their home
She’d needed to escape
A life that made her choke
Ashes filling up her mirror
On that old tired and worn out road

BRIDGE
Stuck in these chains
But only for a little awhile
Ain’t no use in complainin'

onehandsomedog,

I like your song, but feel you need to get some production tweaks with volume levels adjusted and maybe a little panning to give your a better mix. I liked that ending choruses better, maybe because the 1st two felt overpowered a bit with the music encroaching on the vocal's dominance.

I know you are hurrying to get these songs written each week, so my hat is off to you. I'd just recommend looking at your music balance a bit. The 2nd verse had better lyric/music prosody--just giving you a couple things that jumped out at me.

I thought your concept and music vibe were cool, so it's a good start. These are just a couple ideas for you to use or lose and JMO which is just one among many. Nice write!

steady-eddie.

Thanks for the listen Eddie!
I totally agree with you, I had to sell my speakers and now I'm trying everything on headphones which is proving to be quite the pain. Hopefully over the next few weeks I will have a sense of what balanced sounds like in those things. I can't thank you enough for the thoughtful critique, it will definitely help me become a better writer and musician.
Respectfully,
Aaron

Aaron,

eight songs in and I can already hear/see certain things taking shape for your style. One thing I like is the fact you're not afraid to use "implied" rhymes, thatis to say, your songs don't really need hard rhymes like moon/june......though one has to be careful there, because too many implied rhymes can sound a bit like a poem with music attached.

I'm hearing that americana style along the lines of Freedy Johnston or JamesMcmurtry here, two of my plain spoken favorites.

production wise, headphone mixing can easily fool you.....if that's all you have available, I'd at least make sure the overall eq is flat and go from there to start, then burn a quick cd and listen in the car and take quick notes.....like (too crisp/too muddy) ect. this mix sounds like a lot of lower mid going on.....on MY headphones anyway....

well done, two more and you reach the ten song milestone.

Thank you Mac!
I will be taking lots of mixing notes this week. Yes 2 more, almost hard to believe…. Right now it's very challenging for me to write the song and give every step of the process the time it deserves. But I find that it's forcing me to pick 1 or 2 new things to focus on each week. Not demanding perfect but a little bit better each time.
Thanks again!

This is pretty sweet Aaron!I could hear Neil Young doing this one.Nice lyrics with a cool ass hook too.You have a few good sugs from above so i hope the best for ya on your song a week challenge.Mike

Thanks Mike I appreciate the spin!

Hi Dog,

Cool song -- I really enjoyed the listen! There's a great complexity to your writing, too, that's intriguing!
Lisa

what you MUST do with your chorus (or not)

is pause, like this:

it feels a bit strange...3,4
when we leave the past
celebrate a change...3,4
with the toss of a match

keep the listener hanging on those parts

it will sound better, and will also give the listener a much needed breather, cause you did a lot of singing already.

Good Luck!

Lisa, Thank you so much for the wonderful compliment!!!!

Bugsey, thanks for the listen! That's a great suggestion. I will also try to keep that kind of thing in mind with my future songs.

Aaron

Aaron,

I am enjoying your journey. I cheer you on! You're already good - I predict you are headed for great..

I like that you are doing the lyric videos - nothing against "seeing you singing", but this makes a lot more sense towards your goal...

Your productions are sounding fine to carry the song and get them across. I would suggest that you keep them simple and "perfect" that type of sound - drums, bass, simple guitar - (like the TOTALLY amazing sound that mac produces with a minimum of instruments...) - and keep concentrating on the writing - don't get distracted by fancy productions.. you can have that be your next journey...

A couple of "songwriting suggestions" - ignore them if you choose..

There are a number of places where you could eliminate little things that make big improvements on "how the song SINGS" and how it "falls on your listener's ear"....

Right off the bat..
"All the snow, it finally cleared"
...the "it" is one of those "little things".
"All the snow... finally cleared"
..sings more (allows the singer to hold the note on 'snow' - to let it sing)

"I'd love to forget this past winter"
..has a lot of staccato syllables to it that make it a "little bumpy" on the ear.
Try something like "It's been a hard winter" (drawing out 'hard')
That describes the winter - and your listener will imply that you would like to get past it...
-- I'm not trying to re-write your song - merely suggesting you look at how a song "sings" and "lands on the ear"...

Your chorus sings really well. But the line
"We might get a scar that forever lasts"
is another type of "bump". It's that "poetry thing" that doesn't work well in a song - putting words in an "unnatural" order for the sake of a rhyme. If you were to actually SAY that to someone, I doubt that you would ever say it in that order. You would say "We might get a scar that lasts forever." It's like writing "the door I did close" instead of "I closed the door" because you had to rhyme with "nose"...
(no suggestion for a replacement)
Every line of a song should sound like it came from a casual conversation. Something that you would ACTUALLY say....

There is nothing wrong with
"In a letter that was charred
In a fireplace of their home"
But you can do without 'that was'
"in a letter...charred...in a fireplace of their home"
(then you can really 'sing' let-ter chaaaared'..)

little things.
"But only for a little while" --> "But only for a while"
same thing... but sings better...

Like I said, ignore this if you choose. But these type of "little things" are what separate songwriters...

I look forward to your posts.

floyd

FLOYD ---That was an awesome critique!!!!! thank you….. It is funny how those little things can get in the way I will definitely be paying more attention to the flow and streamlining what I want to say. Truly can't thank you enough for the listen and the time you took to help me along this path.
Also, thank you for the wonderful compliment!
Respectfully,
Aaron

I like this nice flow to it and also great name for a song Burning Pastures for Greener Grass, i don't know what this song a week challenge is but if this song is anything to go by, Congratulations.

Great Job.

Thank you Pat!
Back in November I saw a group on facebook starting a challenge of 1 song a week for 52 weeks. Their page is 'real women real songs'. I thought it was a great idea and being a male I chose to unofficially join. Then I found out Mac Charles has been doing this for 69? weeks now. So I guess you could say I am following in his footsteps. Either way, for me it's turning out to be a great way to improve my songwriting, singing, recording, etc. Not to mention the discipline that comes with a deadline. So that's what the weekly challenge is all about
Peace,
Aaron

Glad to see you still doing the song a week thingy, there is no better way to improve than just doing it!. I guess this is the newest mix that I am listening to. Sounds really good. The vocal gets a little lost in the chorus section when the extra instruments kick in. So you either need to lower the volume on the backing instruments or increase the lead vox a bit. It might be an EQ issue, too -- but I am not an expert on those types of things. Might want consider adding some harmonies during the chorus.

I need to set a goal of a song a week until I got to 50/90 this summer.

Thank you for listening Kevin! Let me know if you start doing a song a week, I'll be sure to listen....
Respectfully,
Aaron

That is some challenge Aaron the very best of luck to you and to anyone else whose involve in this