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Weeks
by Gary E. Andrews - 08/29/26 12:08 AM
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Max Ceddo
by Gary E. Andrews - 08/27/26 11:50 PM
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Tin Lung
by Gary E. Andrews - 08/27/26 04:12 PM
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 171
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Well I have been getting behind a little, but here's #11 http://youtu.be/Sg4J2TU5pRQPEBBLES ON THE ROAD By Aaron Barber © 2014 VERSE The weather's too hot and it'll probably rain What's up with the price of gas He missed his turn 'cause he's too concerned Being stuck behind another jackass Joe don't know that no one really cares 'Cause he's always got a complaint And anyone can make it rain CHORUS Spend their days in misery Kickin' up dust so no one will see They're really pickin' rust from a brand new jeep Sounds like pebbles on the road to me VERSE Tom became a dad at 19 years Working a simple job Selling shoes in an old cheap suit Whatever it took to keep the lights on Says I've seen a lot of folks complain 'Bout every little thing in life I don't listen to them cry 'Cause they're just CHORUS Spend their days in misery Kickin' up dust so no one will see They're really pickin' rust from a brand new jeep Sounds like pebbles on the road to me BRIDGE This ain't a perfect world spinning around You gotta look on the bright side once in awhile or you'll be CHORUS Spend your days in misery Kickin' up dust so no one can see You're really pickin' rust from a brand new jeep Sounds like pebbles on the road to me
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Joined: Jun 2011
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HI Aaron nice pleasant ballad and good voice too.Thanks for the listen. i'm not hearing very well nowadays so I had to have my headphones on to get the full value of that vocal.
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Aaron, You may fall behind now and then, but you're here at number eleven! I'm noticing the way you approach writing is to pack a lot of words into your lines, you always have nice melodies and great outlines of characters, but sometimes the fact that there are so many words can hamper your potential vocal delivery. In other words, with so many things to spit out, it can feel like stumbling here and there, not being confident on where to place your pauses ect. I think most of the ironing something like that out will come with time, just noticing.....though an OVER economy of words can have the opposite effect too.....(drawing out words too long ect). I'm starting to hear a Harry Chapin-esque style take hold in a lot of your stuff, that is...songs like mini novels....and that's good (IMHO), that seems to be missing these days, but conversely...it's difficult to do. on another note, I wanted/expected the bridge to roll longer, maybe double what it is. All that mumbo jumbo having been said, you done good, and it's on to number 12. Upon hearing 11 new songs from you, I'm curious......who would be your top five favorite song writers be? Just curious about your influences. 
Last edited by maccharles; 04/12/14 05:11 PM.
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Travis, thank you for the compliment and the spin. If you're listening on headphones then you're hearing it like I mixed it. I've never had anyone compliment my voice before, thank you. I am working on my singing and while I notice the little improvements along the way, it's always nice when someone else notices.
Mac!
I'm glad you didn't wait 'til the end of the year for a critique. That is very useful, I've actually been trying to reign in the phrase lengths. I think a few more songs and I'll probably start to have it under control. Harry Chapin! wow that's quite a compliment. Some of my fav writers are: Don Henley, Natasha Bedingfield, John Lennon, Kevin Cronin, and Desmond Child.
Respectfully,
Aaron
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I'm likin' this Aaron,it really has a good vibe that i like.Mac gave a few good sugs,you're on a mighty fine roll!Mike
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Well done...nice melody.
Ya, thin out the herd a bit. I have the same tendency to use too many words.
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K or S
The weather's too hot and it'll likely rain
What's up with the price of gas
He missed his turn was too concerned
Being stuck behind a slow jackass
Joe don't know no one really cares
'Cause he always complains
And anyone can make it rain
Last edited by Neil Cotton; 04/14/14 02:23 PM.
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Mike thanks for taking time to listen and for the encouragement!
Neil, 'thinning out the herd'… love it. I like your 'slow jackass' line, that will probably work a lot better. Thanks for the input and I will definitely be making the phrases a little lighter.
Respectfully,
Aaron
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Cause he always complains
And no one can stop the rain.....??????
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Well I have been getting behind a little, but here's #11 http://youtu.be/Sg4J2TU5pRQPEBBLES ON THE ROAD By Aaron Barber © 2014 I like this a lot but felt some words need trimming for better flow with the music....offering a little help on it, keep or sweep as they say. VERSE The weather's too hot and it'll probably rain-- the weather's too hot and it looks like rain What's up with the price of gas He missed his turn 'cause he's too concerned Being stuck behind another jackass Joe don't know that no one really cares 'Cause he's always got a complaint And anyone can make it rain-- I would consider switching lines around because it may tell the story a little better to introduce us to Joe first..
something like --
Joe missed his turn 'cause he's too concerned
Being stuck behind another /[color:#3366FF]one more jackass (one more may fit better than another)says the weather's too hot, bet it'll rain ( maybe consider-- what a pain -cause you have rain already in this and using it twice kinda takes away from that cool last line--) What's up with the price of gasJoe don't know that no one really cares'Cause he's always got a complaintAnd anyone can make it rain--[/color] CHORUS Spend their days in misery Kickin' up dust so no one will see They're really pickin' rust from a brand new jeep- -maybe drop the really, they're picking rust or looking for rust on a brand new jeep Sounds like pebbles on the road to me VERSE Tom became a dad at 19 years Working a simple job Selling shoes in an old cheap suit Whatever it took to keep the lights on-- drop THESays I've seen a lot of folks complain 'Bout every little thing in life-- 'bout the little things in life I don't listen to them cry 'Cause they're just CHORUS Spend their days in misery Kickin' up dust so no one will see They're really pickin' rust from a brand new jeep Sounds like pebbles on the road to me BRIDGE This ain't a perfect world spinning around You gotta look on the bright side once in awhile or you'll be CHORUS Spend your days in misery Kickin' up dust so no one can see You're really pickin' rust from a brand new jeep Sounds like pebbles on the road to me It looks like if you are doing a song a week it is quite the challenge..I really like this a lot...the melody is catchy, you have a really nice voice. I just felt in verse one you may wanna switch it around to introduce us to Joe earlier on because as it is, its not clear to the listener who is complaining..I also offered some places I would drop a word or two to perhaps help it flow a little easier. Best of luck on this..keep up the good work Kimberly
*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!** BMI Member All Rights Reserved http://www.littleikepublishing.com Email for Song Business Only littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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Wow... all these great ideas! Thank you Neil and Kimberly for some very thoughtful insight.
Kim that was a great idea on introducing Joe right away.
I think I will revisit these songs after the year or maybe 6 months is up. This way I can get a bit more stable on my writing feet and know how to better use the tools.
Respectfully,
Aaron
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Hi Aaron You sound good and I admire people that do the challenges keep after it. Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Hi Aaron,
What a super nice song!! And not only does it sound good...it is wonderfully insightful and makes the listener stop and think and ponder. I LOVE the line -- anyone can make it rain! And the image of kicking up dust so that no one can see him picking the rust off the jeep...I don't know, the imagery struck me as really cool!
Great stuff!
Lisa
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Aaron,
This one has a great feel - the melody and the production...
The idea is a good one. The first verse is less focused than it needs to be - you don't get a strong sense of who your character is - or why we care. Your 2nd verse does it right - we "get to know" Tom - and we care about him - and your chorus then takes on more meaning. You might consider using that (the 2nd) as the opening verse - and then developing that more positive theme in the 2nd - as opposed to "negative" aspect presented in the first...
Your chorus opens on a very "catchy" note! The "wordiness"/extra syllables thing later on detracts from it some (as others have noted). The third line kind of made me "scratch my head" each time - it doesn't really make sense to me - so each time it's a "bump" for me - I stop and wonder... while the song continues on without me...
I look forward to your next...
floyd
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Calvin, thank you for your encouragement!
Lisa, I always value your thoughts, and super glad you enjoy the imagery. Thanks for the wonderful compliments.
Floyd, thanks for the spin brother. I always appreciate your thoughtful insights and agree that I waited a bit too long to bring out the character in the first verse. Hadn't considered the negative and positive aspects of the message being in a certain order though. That's definitely something for me to put in my toolbox. THANK YOU! I do try to come up with unique lines that I've never heard before and suppose along the way some heads are gonna get scratched, perhaps a warning label might be in order. All kidding aside, I completely understand what you mean by causing the listener to get confused. I can run these phrases by some friends first just to ensure that it easily makes sense to others.
Respectfully,
Aaron Barber
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Aaron, (sure easier than the handle)
I like your song/concept as well. You have some great advice above, but will say this: I like it when you can get a lot of words fitting to the music, (so long as you can without it losing timing or syllables--a current trend), but if you can't, find other phrasing.
What struck me a bit awkward was in the chorus--I agree with Floyd, the 3rd line seems not the place for that expression as you've established in the line previous a bit of that same effect--I'd find a more humanizing expression or analogy there that people can "quickly" relate to. It's your chorus/hook, which will be most remembered and needs to flow naturally both musically and lyrically IMO.
I'm digging your song, nice job!
steady-eddie.
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Thank you Eddie! I appreciate your thoughts and I'm already working on changing that 3rd line. I couldn't agree more. I just listened again with fresh ears and realized I sang the 2nd verse a lot better than the first. Sometimes I try to shift the beat for an emotional impact but all I accomplished here was to confuse the listener and make it feel wordy. I may actually re-record this one over the next few weeks, just to see if the fix is easier than I initially thought.
Respectfully,
Aaron
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