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I'm having another go at a refugee-related lyric. (I deleted the one I'd posted earlier.)

I prefer not to dwell on heart-wrenching nitty-gritty details or the specific personal stories. There are enough of these online. The song will be largely music-driven, so I think the lyric can paint the picture in broad strokes, simply supporting the mood.

Your constructive critique is most welcome.

UPDATE: I've made several changes, including restructuring the chorus.

Donna

Note:
In Arabic, which is spoken in Syria, one word for 'my darling' (when addressing a female) is 'habibi' (or 'habibti').

Billy will be composing music with a Middle Eastern flavour, so I think it will be all right to use the word 'habibti'.

NEW VERSION 25.10

Run, Habibti, Now Run!

V1
Her husband and son
Are the blood on her blouse
Which stained the debris
Of what was a house
Her mother's last words were
Run, habibti, now run!

Pre-chorus
She's a drop in an ocean
Of refugee souls
A swell that won't stop
And oh, what a toll

Chorus
Past barbed-wire borders
She hurries along
Driven by waves of despair
...Past angry red scrawls
On signs that inform her
In capital letters
…She's not welcome there

V2
The pains have begun
Though she's still on the tracks
She longs to lie down
But no going back
Her mother's last words were
Run, habibti, now run!

Pre-chorus
She's a drop in an ocean
Of refugee souls
A life without war
Their desperate goal

Chorus
Past barbed-wire borders
She hurries along
Driven by waves of despair
...Past angry red scrawls
On signs that inform her
In capital letters
…She's not welcome there

Instrumental bridge

Chorus
Past barbed-wire borders
She hurries along
Driven by waves of despair
...Past angry red scrawls
On signs that inform her
In capital letters
…She's not welcome there

Outro
'Run, habibti'
Run, habibti'
'Run, habibti, now run!'

© 2015 Donna Devine

-----------------------------
ORIGINAL VERSION
Run, Habibti, Now Run!

V1
The blood on her blouse
Will never wash out
It poured from her husband and son
Staining the rubble of what was a house
Where her grandmother screamed at her
'Run, habibti, now run!'

Pre-chorus
She's a drop in an ocean
Of refugee souls
A swell that won't stop
And oh, what a toll

Chorus
Past barbed-wire borders
She tumbles ahead
Driven by waves of despair
Past angry red scrawls
On signs that inform her
In capital letters
…She's not welcome there

V2
She follows the tracks
But stumbling now
The pains have already begun
Longs to lie down but there's no going back
She remembers her grandmother's
'Run, habibti, now run!'

Pre-chorus
She's a drop in an ocean
Of refugee souls
A swell that won't stop
And oh, what a toll

Chorus
Past barbed-wire borders
She tumbles ahead
Driven by waves of despair
Past angry red scrawls
On signs that inform her
In capital letters
…She's not welcome there

Bridge
She thinks of her flag
She envies the eagle, its wings that unfurl
Sweeping the sky while it circles the world
Gliding wherever it will
Heedless of human compulsions to kill

Chorus
Past barbed-wire borders
She tumbles ahead
Driven by waves of despair Past angry red scrawls
On signs that inform her
In capital letters
…She's not welcome there

Outro
'Run, habibti'
Run, habibti'
'Run, habibti, now run!'

© 2015 Donna Devine

You have taken on a real challenge here. Personally, I think the Middle East has become the new Vietnam.

Hi Donna,

This strikes a nice balance between details and allusion.

V1 is plenty detailed and creates a cinematic picture. You give just the right details so I know this girl addressed as "Habibi" did not do any killing herself, since the son was also killed. If the son wasn't killed or mentioned, I might think she killed her husband who was beyond abusive. I think "a husband and son" works better as "her husband and son" as this would have more dramatic impact than if some random husband and son were killed in her presence. IOW..it never occurs to me she is a "refugee," given the opening verse. I imagined her family was decimated in front of her eyes, and she ran to escape some unnamed gunmen.

In the chorus, I don't like her being "dragged" forward, since there's peril at hand, and it feels like she's moving slowly if she's being dragged forward (plus, wouldn't a metaphorical wave push you from behind?); but I like that it signifies reluctance. It's quite possible she doesn't really want to have to be leaving Syria.

With capital letters/on signs that inform her" sounds rather formal, to me. How's about something like "with big red letters/ on signs that scream" --but that kills your rhyme "border/inform her" -- "inform her" just sounds rather plain to me.

Love your bridge. "Human complaints" wants to be something even darker and deadlier, though, I think, but there's no way to do that and keep your meter. "Human bloodlust" goes too far the other way (while killing another rhyme..call me "Mr. Rhyme Killer" today. ). Plus you don't want to spell anything out too concretely..

I hope there's something in my vacillations that you can use, or springboard from!

Mike

Jim, you could well be right. Quite a Pandora's box was opened there.

Mike, thanks so much for your detailed comments. Very useful for sure.

Re 'a': Point taken. Because the word 'her' is already used three times in that verse, I'd hoped not to use it in line 3. I agree, though, that 'her' in place of 'a' makes the mood more dramatic.

Re 'dragging': Point taken. I definitely didn't want to imply reluctance. I've opted now for 'pushing'.

Re 'capital letters': Because capital letters usually signify anger, I thought that imagery might be interesting. However, 'red' is exactly the colour of some of the signs, so I've made a change there.

Re 'informed': I was going for an intentional contrast - the formality of 'informed' in juxtaposition with the turmoil of emotions that the refugees must be experiencing, especially now that winter is descending.

Re the bridge: With 'complaints', I was aiming for ironic understatement. I agree, though, that something edgier in the last line might be more fitting here. Meanwhile, I've changed those lines.

What do you think of the changes?

Also wondering whether the title/hook should be 'Not Welcome Here'.

Donna

Hi Donna,

This is it, I think. No mistaking her refugee status, and though your line "compulsions to kill" might create divisiveness with those that might say you are oversimplifying a complicated issue, I would counter "that's the nature of songwriting" --to make something complicated more feel-able, if not understandable, to the masses.

The other changes further help solidify this into something quite good. It's very descriptive and cinematic and easy to sympathize with "Habibi" --and putting the money line in a thought that their flag's eagle does NOT have is simply brilliant!

Mike

Mike, thanks so much for your additional comments.

Meanwhile, I've done further revising in the form of tightening up the verses.
(I'd rewritten the bridge as well, but have decided not to have a bridge at all.)

(BTW, your positive comment regarding the previous bridge was very interesting. But I doubt the average listener would recognise the aspect that you did. )

I've also made slight adjustments to the chorus.

I hope the changes are an improvement.

Donna

Hi Donna,

I'm gathering in this new version.

In V1, the preposition "that" leads to confusion for me. The way the long line (the verse being that) is constructed, it appears that her husband and son are what stained the house's debris. More than two preposition in a line starts to resemble Chinese Boxes to me, and I become confused. There are several ways to link the blood to the houses debris in a more direct way, if you choose. You can even go darker by just substituting "and" for "that":

Her husband and son
Are the blood on her blouse
And stained the debris
Of what was a house

Interesting, though, the "and" substitution makes the husband and son appear to be the object of "and." So perhaps that's a litmus test that shows the husband and son to be the object of "that" as well? Either way, "that" is just danged confusing to me.

But you can force blood to be what caused the staining with
"And it stained the debris" and also force the husband and son to be what stained, as well as help force the darker, more poetic image into focus with "And they stained the debris"

I really like "a drop in an ocean of refugee souls" --you have tweaked a cliche and breathed new life there.

In the chorus, "driven by waves of despair" is good. You could substitute something more concrete for the word "waves" though, as "despair" would be understood without the waves, as in "driven by sand and despair," or "driven by dust and despair," etc.

I like the second pre-chorus. It tells the listener exactly this girl's motives, who she is, etc. But this does diminish the allusive possibilities, of course. It all depends if you are happy spelling out a story that much for a listener. Personally, I like both ways of telling a story, but songs being relatively short things, leaving some things up to the listener's imagination is always a more natural approach, and seems inevitable.

The important idea in the bridge--what I called "the money line" has been absorbed into the second chorus, so I think you did good there, though I was happy with the second bridge you wrote.

That's all I got for now!

Mike

Thanks again, Mike. I always appreciate your feedback.

You touched on exactly the point that had been niggling me about V1, though in my case it was the fact that it seems to sound as though it's the blouse rather than the blood that's staining the debris. (To me, it's clear that the husband and son are equated to the blood in a metaphorical sense.) I'll need to ponder how best to sort out that line. Trouble with using 'it' is that then it really does sound like the blouse is doing the staining. Actually, the problem would be solved grammatically if I use 'which' instead of that, and ask Billy to leave a tiny pause after 'blouse', as it would be the equivalent of a comma in the written line.

Hi Donna,

I'm gathering in this new version.

In V1, the preposition "that" leads to confusion for me. The way the long line (the verse being that) is constructed, it appears that her husband and son are what stained the house's debris. More than two preposition in a line starts to resemble Chinese Boxes to me, and I become confused. There are several ways to link the blood to the houses debris in a more direct way, if you choose. You can even go darker by just substituting "and" for "that":

Her husband and son
Are the blood on her blouse
And stained the debris
Of what was a house

Interesting, though, the "and" substitution makes the husband and son appear to be the object of "and." So perhaps that's a litmus test that shows the husband and son to be the object of "that" as well? Either way, "that" is just danged confusing to me.

But you can force blood to be what caused the staining with
"And it stained the debris" and also force the husband and son to be what stained, as well as help force the darker, more poetic image into focus with "And they stained the debris"

I really like "a drop in an ocean of refugee souls" --you have tweaked a cliche and breathed new life there.

In the chorus, "driven by waves of despair" is good. You could substitute something more concrete for the word "waves" though, as "despair" would be understood without the waves, as in "driven by sand and despair," or "driven by dust and despair," etc.
I take your point about 'waves', though my intention was to continue the metaphor of the ocean, as those two things are so strongly highlighted in the news in terms of how migrants are dying in droves (i.e. drowning). But I'll consider your suggestion.

I like the second pre-chorus. It tells the listener exactly this girl's motives, who she is, etc. But this does diminish the allusive possibilities, of course. It all depends if you are happy spelling out a story that much for a listener. Personally, I like both ways of telling a story, but songs being relatively short things, leaving some things up to the listener's imagination is always a more natural approach, and seems inevitable.

Regarding the second pre-chorus you mention: Are you referring to the fact that the refugees are longing for a life without war? I don't quite see a connection to spelling out the story, or anything about telling the woman's motives, who she is, etc. (Sorry if I'm missing something. Wouldn't be the first time.)

Actually, I've made a point of alluding to events rather than describing them outright (e.g. in V1, where the son, husband, and mother have died as a result of a shell smashing into the house, and in V2, where it's implied that the woman is heavily pregnant). None of these things are stated outright.

Regarding the second pre-chorus, though, I've been considering dropping it, and simply using the same text as in the first one. To me, lines 3 & 4 in the second pre-chorus sound forced somehow, not natural.

The important idea in the bridge--what I called "the money line" has been absorbed into the second chorus, so I think you did good there, though I was happy with the second bridge you wrote.

I'm a little confused here, as all the choruses are the same. Or are you referring to the second pre-chorus?

That's all I got for now!

Mike

Donna,

Yes, I meant the second pre-chorus.

You are right, you are not missing anything. Yes, I was referring to "A life without war/Their desperate goal" which was a salient idea in your first bridge. This does nothing to make anything less allusive. My apologies! I think what happened is my coffee addled brain registered "more details" when the refugee's goal was explicitly stated.

I thought you were alluding to her being pregnant, yes. You wrote that perfectly to express that without explicitly stating it.

Again--sorry for the confusion!!

Mike