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Lot Long
by Gary E. Andrews - 11/10/26 11:20 AM
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Joined: Mar 2002
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[This message has been edited by Sonny Green (edited 10-21-2004).]
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Hmmm,let me see...where do i start....well ,there's the...no no,that's right...but there is that part about....no,right again...Ok,ya got me...this song is great like it is!lol...Good job sonny!
Dave
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Sonny, great song here. I only see one very small nit. You use a lot of "near rhymes" nothing wrong with that. But I think it would be even better to tighten up the rhyme scheme. I know thats not always easy to do but any time that you can have a perfect rhyme, thats always better. I'm sure you could say the same of some of my work.
Very compelling song
Rob
[This message has been edited by palidin (edited 09-24-2004).]
Robert
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<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Davyboy49:
Hmmm,let me see...where do i start....well ,there's the...no no,that's right...but there is that part about....no,right again...Ok,ya got me...this song is great like it is!lol...Good job sonny!
Dave</font> LOL!! Dave! Awe come on! You don't have to be THAT hard on it!!LOL!! Thanks for the read and comments!! I have a few on my Soundclick site at the link below. Take a listen if you like! Thetuneman ------------------ http://www.soundclick.com/sonnygreen
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<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by luv2write:
Great Job!!!!!!!!!!</font> Thanks Tammy! You can hear some others at the link below. PS I'll get you an "E" in a few minutes. Did you unblock my addy? Thetuneman ------------------ http://www.soundclick.com/sonnygreen
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by palidin: [B]Sonny, great song here. I only see one very small nit. You use a lot of "near rhymes" nothing wrong with that. But I think it would be even better to tighten up the rhyme scheme. I know thats not always easy to do but any time that you can have a perfect rhyme, thats always better. I'm sure you could say the same of some of my work. Very compelling song Rob Thanks Rob! I dunno, it seems to work real well with my headtune, but what changes would you make to tighten it up? Just curious! Thetuneman ------------------ http://www.soundclick.com/sonnygreen
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Sonny, Daddy always said "if it aint broke, don't fix it. So I wont try to fix it. Just put a little polish on it (one mans polish may be another mans tarnish) This is your song and you know more about how you want it than me. I'll just point out below the things that caught my eye. I only made some slight elaborations on the fine lyrics that were already there. As I read through it several times I realized I was mistaken about the “near rhyme” remark, I apologize. Only in V1 Line 2 did I change the rhyme to more “perfect rhyme” to go with verse 4. I know that every writer writes different, if that werent the case, it would get boring pretty quick. Heck, I go back and change my lyrics all the time cause I always see something I coud have done to make it better to my own ears. So with all apologies out of the way, go ahead and see what you think.
Our Moment In Time
© 2002 Sonny Green
(V)
I lived a life of loneliness
In a blinding, pouring rain
My heart had turned as cold as stone
Lost in darkness, filled with pain
But the first time I held you close
I knew the time had come
You loved away my deepest fears
As two hearts became one
I took a little more liberty with this verse than I first intended, sorry I can’t help myself sometimes.walls of stone sounds just a good as cold as stone, depends on what you want.
(CH)
This is our moment in time
You're the girl I'm meant to find
Love's brought us together
To live as one forever
I'll love you all my life
This is our moment in time
(V)
I'll never forget the first time
That I saw your sparkling eyes
Your love consumed my very soul
As you held your hand in mine
The sunset slowly slipped away
We danced beneath the crecent moon
I knew that with my every breath
That I would always love you
(I elaborated a little in line 3 & 6, did a little switch-a-ru in line 7
(CH)
This is our moment in time
You're the girl I'm meant to find
Love's brought us together
To live as one forever
I'll love you all my life
This is our moment in time
(Tag)
Darlin', I'm so glad you're mine
This is our moment in time
[This message has been edited by palidin (edited 09-26-2004).]
Robert
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I prefer a fireing squad to a rope if your ready to execute me
Rob
[This message has been edited by palidin (edited 09-25-2004).]
Robert
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<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by palidin:
I prefer a fireing squad to a rope if your ready to execute me
Rob
[This message has been edited by palidin (edited 09-25-2004).]</font> GET A ROPE!!! LOL!! Hey I like this! It's funny sometimes, just when you think you've done all you can do to make the song as best as it can be, here comes someone with GREAT ideas to make it shine just a little more! You done good Rob! Thanks!! PS, mebbe, we otta co-write some time!! Sonny ------------------ http://www.soundclick.com/sonnygreen [This message has been edited by Sonny Green (edited 09-27-2004).]
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Do I get one last cigarette?
I would be honored to co-write with you anytime,Sonny.
Robert
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Message edited: The issue has been resolved.
[This message has been edited by AmeliaRose (edited 10-23-2004).]
Change the world...one act of random kindness at a time.
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[This message has been edited by Sonny Green (edited 10-21-2004).]
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Message edited: The issue has been resolved.
[This message has been edited by AmeliaRose (edited 10-23-2004).]
Change the world...one act of random kindness at a time.
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