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Hey, Guys,

Here is a song I wrote with personal meaning to me that I'm hoping to flesh out and create a full demo/ backing track so that I can sing it on solo gigs and share with my band so that they might learn it. I am open to any and all criticisms and suggestions. Thanks!

“Devotion” - https://soundcloud.com/maroon-corey/devotion/s-SQ6eK

(Verse 1)
I know a guy who says he wakes up with his eyes closed.
What does he see?
I hear him humming a tune, goin’ ‘bout his day.
Sometimes I hear him sing!
He mumbles when he sits down and when he gets back up again.
First chance he gets, he opens up his book again.
You might hear him speak a kind word to a friend.
Or you might hear him treat a foe just like his kin.
Is he livin’ right? Seems to be.
Always got some friends he wants to see.
Can’t account for where he seems to be.

(Chorus)
Devotion; What is it?
Is it showing that you need something you can never be?
Devotion, What do you get down on your knees to do?
Do you choose it or does it choose you?

(Verse 2)
I know a guy who sometimes holds his eyes closed.
What does he see?
He might not tell you what you want to hear,
but what he says, you can believe it!
Now, when other race on, he might step back.
And when they won’t go, he might move ahead.
Other folks might wax and wane just like the moon,
but you best believe he’ll do what he said he’d do.
Is he livin’ right? Seems to be.
Always got some friends that want to see him.
Can’t account for where he seems to be.

(Chorus)

(Bridge/ Coda)
He’s gonna struggle just like the rest of us.
He’ll be the first to tell you that he ain’t the best of us.
But he says in stillness, comfort comes to us!
He’s just like you and me.
Never gonna be the best we can be.
That’s why I need to get down on my knees!

Maroon,

I’m probably the worst person to chime in here because I’m just not a jazz fan. But I will, and I’lll start with what I like: First, it’s got a nice Steely Dan type feel to it . . . and second, your vocal is pretty killer . . . actually very killer—no, check that, it just kills. Really, very impressive.

Here’s what I don’t like—and again keep in mind I just don’t get jazz: The melody seems a bit disjointed and repetitive, or, said another way, I, as a listener, lose interest (but for that slick vocal). My only suggestion would be to think about minimizing this a bit; focus on the core and bare essentials and slim it down.

Again, just a couple thoughts from a guy who hates jazz—so take it with a Mt. Everest grain of salt. And keep at it--you are clearly very talented.

All the best,

Deej

Hi Maroon, welcome back. Good to hear something new from you. Well, your jazz roots are showing and I'm getting some Stevie Wonder tones as well as Steely Dan in there as well, all good things in my opinion. I wasn't sure where you were taking us lyrically but the bridge pulled it all together for me.

"in stillness, comfort comes to us"

Well done. Hope you stick around.

Ricki

Hey Maroon,

Yep, works for me. Great styling. I can see this song worked up. Plenty of room there for musical and percussive arrangement.

cheers, niteshift

Love it! Love. It.
Great job. Wonderfully refreshing!

"I know a guy who says he wakes up with his eyes closed.
What does he see?"
Intriguing lines to open with, and I like how you paraphrased it for verse 2.
The lyric has a "flow of consciousness" feel to it. Except that it isn't, you've clearly crafted it quite carefully.

I like the little variations you've got in there. Small things like the emphasis on hear in "sometimes I hear him sing" and larger ones like the chord change for "Is he living right - seems to be"

And overall the message about being an example by your deeds rather than your words, resonates with me.

Loved it!