JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Behind Your Smile

Hi everyone. I think this one is close to being finished except for a couple of trouble spots. Time to see if there's any other problems I haven't noticed. Be honest.
Thanks,
Todd

Behind Your Smile
© Todd Cody

You said you tried to leave him but he begged you not to go
And you don’t have the strength to break his heart
You said you tried to tell him how you really feel
But he stops you every time you start
You keep going through the motions living with the pain
And I know what you’re feeling because my feelings are the same

Can’t you can see the pain behind my smile
Can you hear the echo of the tears I cry when I’m alone
Can feel the emptiness deep in my soul
Can’t you can see the pain behind my smile

It hurts that I can’t hold you the way a woman should be held
By arms that never want to let you go
And it hurts that I can’t show you what’s happening in my heart
All these feelings I can’t control
I try to hide behind the mask that I wear everyday
But when I look at you I hear the words that you can’t say

‘Cause I can see the pain behind your smile
I can hear the echo of the tears you cry when you’re alone
I can feel the emptiness deep in your soul
I can see the pain behind your smile

Two hearts so much in love should never have to hide
Keep their feelings locked inside
Love should never be denied

And I can see the pain behind your smile
I can hear the echo of the tears you cry when you’re alone
I can feel the emptiness deep in your soul
I can see the pain behind your smile

Hi Todd,

Welcome to JPF, nice to meet ya.
Sad story that a lot could relate too.
I only have one small nit....
Instead of this....
It hurts that I can’t hold you the way a woman should be held
By arms that never want to let her go

How bout this...
It hurts that I can’t hold you the way a woman should be held
By arms that never want to let (YOU) go

Have a good day.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Todd,

Just reading through real quick, it might be a good idea to start off the song with the 2nd verse being your 1st verse.
The second verse establishes the who/what/when and where of the Lyric immediately, and there's not a lot of "guessing" about what is happening. See what others have to say, Hope this helps a bit:)

Hi Todd,

Calvin is spot on with his suggestion. I also
wonder if you should change the first line of the
second verse, so you don't use "let you go"
again. Maybe something like,

You said you tried to leave him but he begged you not to go.

Great Hook!!

Diane

Morning Todd...and yeah welcome in.

I too like the suggestion to switch 1 and 2...though I know it messes with your revised chorus...and maybe play with these changes to see how it works...flows a bit better for me, but then I'm probably not in your melody


You said you tried to leave him but he wouldn’t let you go
You need superhuman strength to break his heart
You said you tried to tell him how you really feel inside
But he stops you each and every time you start
You keep going through the motions living with the pain
I know what you’re feeling because my feelings are the same

Hi Todd

Welcome to jpf.
Yep, I like switching v1 and v2, makes more sense.

Just a thought here also. Good luck jm

Can’t you can see the pain behind my smile
Can you hear the echo of tears I cry ALL alone
Can feel the emptiness deep in my soul
Can’t you can see the pain behind my smile

Thanks for the welcomes, I've actually been with JPF for a while, but don't post that often (Almost a year since I posted a lyric or critiqued one). I'm hoping to be more active from now on. There are a lot of great people here who are friendly and helpful.

Calvin: Changing 'her' to 'you' in the 1st verse, second line sounds good. Keeps it more personal. Thanks.

Dayson: I'll have to play it a few times with the verses switched to see how it feels. Thanks for the suggestion.

Diane: Glad you like the hook. I like 'begged you..'. I didn't notice that I used 'let __ go' in both verses. Looking at it now I realize that I also used 'feel/feeling(s)' too much. Once in the 1st verse, 3x in the second and in the bridge, too. I think the last line of the 2nd verse is kind of weak, so I'll probably change that and see if it helps. Thanks.

John: You're right. The choruses would have to move with the verses to make it work if I decide to switch them. I'll play with it. I'm not sure 'superhuman' or 'each and every' would work in the 2nd verse with my melody, but I think replacing 'each' with 'every' might give the line a little more impact. Thanks.

Joice: It's almost unanimous. I'll play around with switching the verses and see how it affects the choruses. Thanks.

I'll go back and edit the lyric post with some of the changes now, and then I'll look into switching the verses.

Thanks,
Todd

Howdy Todd,

No time right now to do much commenting on lyrics but wanted to send you a hello. Hope your plans are still progressing for your move to Nashville soon!

A few quick suggestions:
All these feelings I can’t control
THE DEPTH OF EMOTION I HAVE TO CONTROL
I try to hide behind THIS mask (that/DELETE) I wear everyday
But when I look at you I hear the words (that/DELETE) you can’t say

My thoughts for this verse:
You said you tried to leave him but he begged you not to go
Leaving would break his heart; you can’t cause him that pain
You said you’ve tried to tell him how you really feel
But he stops you whenever you start to explain
So you keep going through the motions, living with the hurt
But this numbing ache we share only makes it worse

I think the bridge is actually in need of more work but at the moment, I am at a loss as to what to recommend there.

Sure nice to see you posting again.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Bobbie. Good to hear from you. The move to Tennessee is still on. We just have to get our house ready to sell. Fix a few things, paint.. that kind of stuff. We're hoping we can move by early summer and we can't wait to get back down there.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll try them out with the music and see how it feels. Right now I've got to do a little recording on another song while it's quiet around here (that doesn't happen too often). Thanks for stopping by and taking a look.

Todd

Todd,
I have to agree with Dayson. I liked it alot but was a bit unsure of why his feelings were the same (maybe he couldn't leave his wife either). But switching the verses would fix that for me. That done I think I think it's wonderful and the only question would be what the powers that be think.

John

Todd,
Hi! I love the hook, and I think that you already have some great sugs here, so I'll just wish you the best of luck with it!

Melissa

Hi Gasman. Another vote for switching the verses. They say that if enough people make the same suggestion that you should probably take it seriously so I made the change and edited the original post. Thanks.

Hi Melissa. Thanks for taking a look and for the kind words.

Todd