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Just One Kiss

One tender kiss
Just one kiss
Warms my heart
With just one kiss

Take me in your arms
Just hold me tight
You make everything right
We’re meant to be
You and me
Think of the possibilities

One tender kiss
Just one kiss
Warms my heart
With just one kiss

For the love we share
If you want to go
I’ll step aside
I won’t stand in your way
Because, time is on our side
And we’ll find a way
To be together

But, with just one kiss
I’ll have a hold on you
And you’ll want to stay
We’ll dance under midnight
Until the light turns to day
With just one kiss
You’ll stay

One tender kiss

With just one kiss

Just one kiss

Just one love

One love

Love

Just One Kiss

One tender kiss
Just one kiss
Warms my heart (EITHER Warm my heart with just one kiss
With just one kiss OR You warm my heart with just one kiss)

Take me in your arms
Just hold me tight (MAYBE" AND hold me tight
You make everything right (You make everything (OH SO) right
We’re meant to be
You and me
Think of the possibilities

THen you speak of standing aside to let her go. I would leave that part out and put more romance into it.

Good Luck
annie

Hi Nicodemus,

I'm new over here---well sort of. I somehow happened to stumble onto board three a couple years ago and then got in a rut! If I miss the mark too terribly over here---I'll just blame it on all the chocolate I've been eating lately ok? Or board three since nobody's looking!

Well, the hook leads me right back to those delicious---hershy kisses! No! Just kidding. I'll abstain long enough to try and analyze this from another pair of eyes perspective (and that's all I claim to be). The hook is short and sweet. Reminds me of one called "Just one Look". I'm not even sure though if that is a song. Maybe it's a jingle---but the tune started playing in my head right after reading the title.

The first verse sounds like it is being sung to a woman so I wondered if you might want say it like this?

One tender kiss
Just one kiss
YOU CAN warm my heart
With just one kiss

This seems like the chorus maybe. It's structured very different from the other sections so that should help with a melody. It is simple and focuses on just the kiss---seems to work toward putting emphasis on the importance of the kiss. I do think this might do better to come after the verse though. Unless you are wanting to paint the picture of this sweetheart walking toward his sweetie or getting ready for a date (I'm curious where he is when thinking about the kiss now). I know I'm nosey. But, listeners are nosey so I'm trying to help you get a sense of how the radio audience might feel while listening.

Ok, the first verse seems to be putting the singer with his sweetie already so I guess that answers my question. He must have been standing there with her or sitting on a grassy meadow or on a park bench (here I go getting curious again). Anyway, in this verse, it sounds like the singer is getting anxious for that kiss and maybe this is a first kiss. I'm trying to think back and I cannot remember anything that was said before my first kiss. But, if he'd told me something like this I'd probably have remembered it. So, hey, I'm not gonna suggest any changes there.

However, in the second verse I'm expecting to hear about all those possibilities. But instead, I'm hearing about the singer will step aside. Wait a minute. Not so fast I'm thinking. A girl wants to hear that the one who wants to kiss her would never want to let her go. (Now, she may not be thinking she wants to be tied down but she sure wants to think that the guy wouldn't just step aside!) Sure, they can find each other later---not likely though. Now, my husband did trek all the way over to Tennessee a year after we graduated but that isn't too common. And he never suggested he would step aside especially right after our first kiss. (And I know that's my assumption here---you can tell me how off I am when you respond).

Now, the last part might be a verse. I'm not sure. It isn't structured like the other verse (rhyme pattern and line lengths---not that the lines have to measure out equal but the beats need to be consistent line by line so the melody will work the same for each verse. Hope I'm making sense. (the chocolate is clogging my brain I'm afraid).

Ok, the last section before the tags is interesting. I'm now learning that the singer has an ulterior plan. And he's telling his sweetie about it. Not sure that sounds believable. I'm thinking that he would keep that plan concealed in real life. And just invite her to dance, etc. and maybe share some of the romantic moments with the listeners. I know it's too much for me too . I have not even written but one of these and I promise you that you'd be able to tear it to pieces (think the title was "Pucker Up" or something like that! Ha ha!

Thing is the singer can't tell his sweetie he's trying to trick her by kissing her under the stars till midnight until she decides to stay. That's what's going on in the singer's mind but I don't think that's what he'd say to his sweetie. He'd just try to do it, right?

Ok, almost done here. Just hold on another minute. The tags seem to turn the topic from kissing to Love. I'm thinking that is supposed to clue us in that the singer has found love. But, am not sure if that is the best way to do that.

Have you written this out as a story before? It might help you to decide exactly what you want to say in the lyric. What pictures you want to paint and all. (well, I never had the patience to do that sort of thing either!)

Structure is going to be important on the rewrite too. Have you chanted this or sung it out loud to a patterned beat? Da duh da duh da duh da duh. Or some other pattern. Each line can vary within the same verse---especially every other line. But, after the pattern is set in the first verse, all the other verses need to match that pattern. The chorus can be different like you have it and should be quite different so good on that! If you have a bridge it should bridge back to the chorus before the tags are added.

Hey, thanks for being a good sport and letting me practice my hand at a thorough critique. Now, tell me how I've messed up so I can get better too, ok?

Vanessa

Hi Annie,

I didn't mean to critique the same one you did. It's just that I was supervising my kids as they brushed their teeth and dressed for bed between pillow fights and such. So, it took me almost two hours to finish! When I started there were no replies yet. Sorry!

Vanessa

Vanessa, Thank you for the thorough critique, that's what I've been wanting. I'll take your suggestion and rework this. After reading it again, I agree the second verse needs to take a hike. This one needs more work to be a good love song. If you have any other suggestion, please let me know.

Nicodemus

Hi Anne, sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I was on a small holiday (stress releif). Thanks for the feedback. I agree with the "Standing aside" verse needing to evaporate out of this and adding more romance. I'll work on this one. Thanks for the words,

Nicodemus

Hi Nicodemus,

Come to think of it. It did occur to me later that a song could be written about the musings of a guy before a special date. I forget what that POV is called. I thought it was interesting listening in on the singer's thoughts. It will need to be clear though that the girl isn't listening in or hearing the private thoughts though IMO. Hope that helps. Listen to/analyze as many lyrics similar to what you are trying to write as you can. And good luck. Glad I could be of help. Hopefully, you'll get some other opinions too. The more varied and diverse, the better.

Vanessa

Vanessa, Thanks for more input. What I'm trying to say is that, This guy is in love with the girl and if she's not happy he would stand in her way. However, he feels in his heart that they'll always be together. And she may need time to realize just what they have together. I guss they're "young". Any other suggestions on revamping the second verse would greatly help.

Nicodemus

Nicodemus,

Ok, I'll try to help you come up with a verse. First I need to know what kind of music you have planned for this and which POV you are going with. Are you going with the main character addressing his girl face to face? In a letter? Or just mental thoughts as he is getting ready to meet her? Also, is this the pop genre'? If not, what type of music are you thinking? I'll try to do some research and make this an assignment for myself this week. Thanks for asking. This will be good for me to do.

Vanessa

Vanessa, Thanks for taking on this project. It's face to face in a pop genre. It could even go country.

Again, thank you. I look forward to hearing from you and what you came up with.

Nicodemus

Hi Nicodemus,

This is going to take me longer than a week I can tell. Yesterday I pulled out a box of old letters from the garage. Found 59 letters from back when my husband and I were dating.

Could you give me some ideas as to which pop songs I should study? I haven't listened to pop in a while. And still it's hard (I'd say next to impossible) for me to think of songs off the top of my head). Thanks.

Vanessa

Hi, Nicodemus,

I'm pretty new at critiquing, especially just lyrics, so I'll give you a money back guarantee.

It's hard to write love songs without cliches but we gotta try. I heard several in your lyric. Often, writers get away with a few if the music is strong enough around them. But a fresh new approach is usually better.

Jim

Hey Jim,

Thanks for the reply. So I guess your saying, no cliches? But, itf it speaks from the heart? I agree that the poetic nature needs so work.

Nicodemus

Not really, Nico. I'm just adding my $0.02 to the ongoing cliche wisdom. We hear them all the time in hits but on closer look we find music so strong that the cliche gets by. OR we find an artist so strong that he/she gets his/her own cliche-riddled song cut.

Speaking from the heart is the absolutely best thing to do...on the first draft. Then crafting cuts in. Develop the hook, find the unique ways to say the same thing, etc...

But it's ultimately a song, not a lyric. If the music is so f**king strong that it can envigorate cliches, well...

Jim