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Lyrics - Don Martin
Music/Vocals - Sabrina Doughty

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=576476


WHEN I CAN
©-2006-Don Martin

I'm not sayin' let go
just take it slow 'cause I've been hurt before
I'm not pushin' you away
I need you to stay but right now less is more

[chorus]
when I can
you'll be the first to know
when I can
I'll never ever want to let you go
you'll never hear me say no
but I can't say when, other than
when I can

I can see that it's you
but the deja vu is making it hard to breathe
I'm just hopin' you'll see
the prescription for me would say patiently

[chorus] x2
when I can
you'll be the first to know
when I can
I'll never ever want to let you go
you'll never hear me say no
but I can't say when, other than
when I can

oh when I can

I can see that it's you
but the deja vu is making it hard to breathe
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previous song posts -

http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=505882&page=1#Post505882

http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=506398&page=2#Post506398

http://www.jpfolks.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=509303&page=0#Post509303

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Hey Don
nice song. It was easy listening for me, and could also relate to the message in the song. good job, and good luch with it

janice green

This is a song that, if I heard it on the car radio, I would be turning up the volume. Well written, beautiful vocal. Particularly liked the chorus, and the way the last two lines of the chorus resolve.

Hi Janice

Appreciate the kind words , and I'm glad you liked it .

It's one of my project songs for my songwriter-demo cd to be called "Messages and Moments" -- which is a collection of (female lead) songs that describe or deal with emotional moments that women experience ....... in this case a woman meeting what she truly believes to be a possible Mr Right -- too soon after a painful breakup .


Don

p.s. - loved the emotion in the delivery of "Daddy's Night Out"
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I saw this song in the mentor Critique forum and it was one of two songs that I was hoping Harriet would critique. In my opinion, this song has a few flaws but is the most easily fixable of all the songs on that forum this week.

The music is solid and the feel is very much like something I would hear on a Bonie Raite album. The song is working best when it is the most uncomplicated.

"I'm not saying let go"; "I'm not pushing you away" "You'll be the first to know" all sound natural and fit right in. When you start to get cute with word play like "the deju vu is making it hard to breath", it loses it's charm and naturalness. I would bet the farm that your favorite line is that one- and you would rather cut your arm off than cut it out but it isn't working. "Making it hard to breathe" is natural if you could couple it differently. You said it in one of your lines- "less is more". This song is completely fixable. You need to give the singer more space. Here is one way to do it:

I'm not sayin' let go
I'm just saying take it slow
I'm not pushin' you away
Stay, but here is what you need to know

[chorus]
when I can
you'll be the first to know
when I can
I'll never want to let you go
you'll never hear me say no
I'll say when...
when I can

You're so close, it's hard to breathe
I'm just hopin' that you'll see
This feeling is like deja vu
time is what I need from you

[chorus] x2
when I can
you'll be the first to know
when I can
I'll never want to let you go
you'll never hear me say no
but I'll say when
when I can

oh when I can

I can see that it's you
but you're too close- it's hard to breathe
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I finally find someone who wants to hear one of my songs on the radio .... and he turns out to be a ghost

Thanks guy , your kind words are much appreciated , and I agree with you about Brina (Sabrina Doughty) having a beautiful voice ...... and she's also an absolute doll to work with .


Don
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Hi Don..

Brina can make any song come to life. She did especially well on this one. Must have been the lyrics that inspired her.

Rick

Hey Sam

I noticed you're from Burleson , could you drop a copy of this one off at the Clarkson house for me

I've had this song pro-critiqued , internet critiqued , and critiqued by contest judges (such as Song Of The Year where it placed as runner-up , and Billboard where it received an honorable mention) ..... and virtually every critique suggested it only needed very minor changes - but none seemed to agree on the same line that needed to be changed .

I've placed all the critiques in the song file , and will print your comments up and keep them as well , so that I can also review your recomendations should this one re-surface for another go .

The singer on this demo is the lead singer for an Indie rock band out of Maine , and she's already committed to doing two of my songs on her first solo album she's working on , and this is one of them that she intends to rock-up a bit ..... so I'm really looking forward to hearing what she does with it , before I do anything further myself .


I too was hoping that Harrriet had chosen this one , but I want to thank you for the obvious time and effort you put into your evaluation and suggestions . Thank you .


Don
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Hey Rick

I couldn't agree more about Brina ..... she's the easiest person to get along with that I've ever met , and we had a ball doing this demo last year . She's also agreed to include this one , and a rocked-up version of my latest song "Sometimes" on her solo album , so now I'm basically in love with her

Good to hear from ya !


Don
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Congratulations Don!
Great news, and a lovely song.
I have to agree with the deja-vu line though. Simpler might be nicer there. Other than that it's so easy to listen to.

Linda

Don....Very nice song....all the way around....enjoyed the listen....very good lyrics....good "hook"....good production.....much success with it.....Bob

The thing that makes this tune really strong for me is the wordplay in the chorus. Great job Don.

Brina's writing skills are really improving.

The tune overall is strong as is. Nevertheless, I'm not sure all that great wordplay in the chorus is played for its maximum effect. Specifically, the phrase "but I can't say when" kinda gets hurried thru.

It's definately not bad... but like I said, just something to maybe consider.

Peace,

Ian

Hey Don,

Real nice listen. Glad to see you hooked up with Brina. She's a real talent. Haven't seen her around for awhile.

Bill

Hi Linda

There seems to be a concern for that line (deja-vu), and I guess I'm just too fond of the meaning behind the line (and it's relevance to the theme) to see an alternative way of expressing her anxiety or insecurity which is fueled by the fear of trusting her own judgement again ....... but I've noted previous comments and will add yours to the printouts the song file is accumulating .

Don
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Hey Bob

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement .


Don
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Hey Ian

This demo was done in the infancy of Brina's production learning curve , whereas her next shot at it will be in the studio where she can relax and focus more on her vocals , so I'm sure a trained ear assisting , and the mixing abilities available to her (in the studio) will help her shine the way most of us know she can .

I appreciate you giving this one a listen -


Don
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Hey Bill

There was quite a while there where Brina was overloaded with collab requests , and her nature was to try her best to be everything for anyone who asked (at the cost of time she needed to develop her own material) ..... so I'm hoping her absence from some of the songwriting sites is entirely connected to the development of songs for her cd ....

and , I agree she's deserving of a chance to show her vocals .


Don
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