JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Need comments on this song, please.

Hi,
I'm new here and getting very frustrated because I can't do my own music. I've tried-I did two songs and they are okay, but need help. Thought I'd put some new lyrics on here and see what you all think.
Thanks,
Johnnie

LOVE WAS ON THE LINE
Johnnie McInnis
Copyright 8/5/04

I used to sit and watch for your name to appear
Every night on my computer screen.
I couldn’t wait to send a note to you,
Then you’d send one right back to me.
We’d sit there alone for hours,
Just talkin’ ‘bout your kids and mine.
You’d ask me how things were going.
I’d say, “Well, I guess that my day was alright.”

Then one day we realized
We had become more than just friends.

Chorus:

And suddenly, love was on the line.
My heart skipped a beat in time.
We had come so far and we couldn’t turn back
Because love was on the line.


It’s amazing how so much emotion
Can be passed through these tiny lines.
But as we shared our hope and our dreams together
You brought back a spark to my life.
I think I was falling in love
Long before you showed up at my door.
But when I looked into those blue eyes
I was so scared you wouldn’t want me anymore.

I didn’t know if I was what you expected.
Could this long-distance romance have a chance?



Chorus:


Bridge:

Our hearts had made a connection
I’m praying that nothing will break.
No one will understand how it could happen,
But I’m hopin’ it was worth the wait.

Chorus:

This one is cute, I like the "love online" subject, I've written a couple of those myself.....

You have a working hook which is "Love on the line". It has at least two meanings but you didn't take advantage of that fact. So, if you are new and want some advice about writing commercial lyrics, I'll tell you that you need to exploit your hook for all it's worth. Now in your lyric, if you develop the story so that in the second or third verse you make something happens to put "love of the line" mean "love in jeopardy", then you have written something that goes somewhere.

Personally, I am biased because I think on-line relationships are a poor predictor of a face to face relationship and probably distructive of it. Just take a look at the last two episodes of Dr. Phill. [thrid episode is today] An 18-year-old girl flys from the US to the war wracked mideast to be with a 22-year-old dislusionary Arab. In the two weeks he has seen her in person (they had a 2-year online communication), he has physically and verbally abuse her and has basically created a Stockhom syndrome in her.

for me, the answer to your question, "Could this long-distance romance have a chance?" is: no.

Oh, and one more piece of advice. You have to study music- if you don't, you have no hope of ever getting a lyric cut. I don't mean you have to go out and learn to play the guitar or piano. I mean you must listen in a focused way to music. Learn to identify the verse, chorus, the bridge, the pre-chorus, the lead solo, the harmonies, the tempo, the style etc. If you will listen with enough focus for long enough, your writing will start to pattern the songs you hear. By pattern, I mean how they are constructed. If you are a total newbie then I would take your favorite song and write brand new lyrics to it. That excerise will force you to lean to write within the restraints of good song construction.

I beg to differ. I did meet my husband online and we are very happy. We probably had more in-depth conversations than most people do face to face. We talked for several months before we decided to meet. I was very careful.
As for the two meanings in the song--I thought I had that because when we actually met face-to-face there was an uncertainty of whether we lived up to expectations about each other.
I am not a total newbie. I've been writing lyrics for at least 10 years. I'm just not that good with the music end of it. I do play a little guitar and have done the music to two of my songs. Granted, they do need some work to improve them, but I just can't seem to get them where I want them. That's why I've been trying to find a co-writer that is good with melodies.
By the way, what was wrong with my song construction?
Anyway thanks for the comments.
Johnnie

The lyrics need some fine tuning. They appear somewhat diffucult for an artist to sing. Since you play the guitar I would try singing them to see where the problems are and do some re-writing. It is more difficult to critique lyrics without music. The chorus and bridge may be all that needs a bit of work.

Thanks Ray. I'll try.

Hi Ladynred

Ok let me try to bring some encouragment here.

Samuel isn't trying to tear you down he just has an opinion. I have learned his critisisms are meant to push people to write better. So I can see how he might have seemed harsh but he was truly trying to help.

Now for my part of this

I too have a marriage from an online relationship we have been married 6 happy years. We didn't take a long time to make a face to face connection and we moved rather quickly. That said I couldn't have hoped for a better wife.

About your lyric

I see some real great possibilities here. The online love piece makes it commercially viable. One thing I might say is that you might change your hook to: Love on line on the line. I know it sounds a little redundant but trust me the aliteration is worth it and in really it is two differeent meanings. Also I think condensing your words and expanding the story might be a good idea. If your open to that. As a side thought there is someone on lyric forum 3 who is really good at helping with rewrites.

About music for your lyrics.

I do write my own music. I usually sing it as well ( not well mind you) but I am good at coming up with melodies.

Also want to point out

Now too offend Brian (sorry Brian0 But lyric feedback forums one and two are pretty dead most of the time. If you want lots of feedback somewhat quickly I'd use three

And finaly

Welcome to JPF hope you'll stay a little while.

Derek

LIR,

My cousin met his wife on line and they have been happily married (her first, his second) for 8 years and have an adorable 6 year old daughter, Rickie.

I haven't listened to any music to speak of in 10 years, and don't know anything about reading/writing music. However, I have cobbled together quite a few fair-to-middlin' lyrics and even managed to put a number of them to music.

Go for it!

Ben

Ladynred,

I don't necessarily see anything wrong with your construction but if you don't mind I would like to ask you a question: When you "constructed" this song, what did you hear? In other words, what genre did you write it for; who do you imagine is singing it and what kind of style? And more important, what was you driving idea- what was burning inside you that had to be expressed?

It's hard to explain what I really mean by construction because I am not talking about rhyme patterns or verse, chorus, bridge chorus form etc. I am talking about how you "built" the lyric-what was your blueprint-what was the driving idea. For example everybody knows the song "Cat's in the cradle". Chapin constructed the song as a progressive narrative through the life of a man who is disenfranchised from his son. Each verse shows how he put another nail in the coffin of his relationship. And it the final verse the irony is so stinging, because Chapin has woven a "thread" through the lyric and we didn't even know it was comming. "I'm gonna be just like you". The son did model himself after his father and the irony is crushing. That of course is an extraordinary song but we have to study the master songs so that we can identify the blueprint they used to build their master piece.

"Love on the line" is a whole lot more powerful as a metaphor if you use it to mean Love at risk because you have created dramatic tension. Somebody has to make a decision or something will be lost. "Love on the line" meaning love on the internet is clever but comparatively trivial if you don't take it anywhere else.

As far as my "bias" is concerned, that's why I called it a bias- I know my opinion is not particularly relevant. I work at a college in Fort Worth and I think the students talk more to each other on the phone than they do in person so I am not discounting the probability that distant communication is as valid as face to face conversation. Hell, I doing it right now.

Hi Johnnie,I read through your song a couple of times,and i will only post on songs i like.I put my own melody just to hear the flow and there were a couple of problems but over all good idea and good words.These are a few ideas to make it more singable if thats even a word.

I used to sit and watch for your name appear
every night as i looked at the screen
I couldn't wait to send you a note
And see yours come right back to me


Its amazing how so much emotion
can be passed through these tiny lines
but as we shared are dreams together
you brought back a spark to my life
I think i was falling in love
long before you showed up at my door
and when i looked in to your blue eyes
my heart melted down to its core



could this online romance have a chance.


Ok that heart melted line is very cheesy and old,but i was just trying to cut a few words down to give it a better flow musicly, i hope it helps.

All the best Anne.

Hi Johnnie,I read through your song a couple of times,and i will only post on songs i like.I put my own melody just to hear the flow and there were a couple of problems but over all good idea and good words.These are a few ideas to make it more singable if thats even a word.

I used to sit and watch for your name appear
every night as i looked at the screen
I couldn't wait to send you a note
And see yours come right back to me


Its amazing how so much emotion
can be passed through these tiny lines
but as we shared are dreams together
you brought back a spark to my life
I think i was falling in love
long before you showed up at my door
and when i looked in to your blue eyes
my heart melted down to its core



could this online romance have a chance.


Ok that heart melted line is very cheesy and old,but i was just trying to cut a few words down to give it a better flow musicly, i hope it helps.

All the best Anne.

OOPS For your name TO apear

I think you've only got half your chorus. The two 'love was on the line' lines will probably repeat so that leaves the other two to really sum up, say something cogent and to the point, re-emphasizing the title/hook meaning(s) and leading to the final giving of the hook. Those two lines are strategically important. Four hits on the hook per chorus would be strong.

I think Gary has a good idea there I'd use it if possible!
Derek

I'm going to pipe in too.

I really like the hook here. I do think the verses need to be tightened up, it doesn't seem to sing as well as it could (but neither do I) The chorus could use some clever touches too as well as the br. Example.....

Ch. (your original)
And suddenly love was on the line
my heart skipped a beat in time
We'd come so far we couldn't turn back
Because love was on the line

Ch. (?)
Suddenly love was on the line
Downloading emotions had taken their own time
No turning back, or turning off
Our souls had intertwined
Too much at stake now, Love is on the line



Br. (your original)
Our hearts made a connection
I'm praying that nothing will break
No one understands how it could happen
But I'm hoping it was worth the wait

Br. (?)
There's a connection between our hearts I pray won't fail
Started in a chat room but quickly progressed to e-mail

Just my two cents,

Hey, really cute ideas from Caroline and others! You have gotten very good suggestions on this. It is worth working on and have some clever lines in it. Best of luck to you on it!

I wonder if making it seem like it's happening right now is stronger. Like this:

Then TOday we realized
We'VE become more than just friends.

Chorus:

And suddenly, Love IS On The Line.
My heart skipS a beat in time.
We'VE come so far and we cAn’t turn back
Because Love IS On The Line.

I ran into an old songwriting buddy and she told me about "The Man From Indiana," a song she wrote about an internet friend. "I don't think the relationship will go anywhere," she said, "But I think I'll know him a long time." A couple months later I saw her and she flashed her diamond ring saying, "I got married Gary!" Several years later, they have a new baby, and, it is my sincere hope, they go on together forever. The net's an easy place to get fooled if you're not careful, but it can be as good a place as any to meet someone too.

Sorry I haven't replied. I haven't been on here for awhile. You all have some good suggestions. In fact I had been working on this song the last couple of days and made some changes before I even looked on here today.
Thanks,
Johnnie

Please post the changes. It is always good to see if advice is taken and how it affects or improves the lyrics.
As a singer I think there are a few wee probs with wording, rhyming patterns and fitting it all to a tune but the main problem is the confusion over love on the line as in on the internet and love on the line as in almost over or in trouble. This would make a really good hook and a clever twist to the story incorporating this theme into a chorus. My love online is now on the line.

Re meeting a partner and to answer the debate about internet dating. It does not matter where or how you meet as long as you are both happy.

Hi there,

I usally spend time in the Mp3 forum, being a musican and composer, I sing a bit and have written many songs. But to day I thought to take a stroll through here.

I really like your concept. I'd like to see a bit more of the story. I know how this feels, been there myself and had a very successful 'real time' relationship started from an online friendship. Good luck to you.

May I suggest you spend a little time to chronical the chain of events that occurred from the beginning to now (or how you'd like it to be - writers license LOL). That way you can get some more ideas to add on to this love story. Great hook!

Folks are doing so much with music these days and the genres just keep growing. Chosing a genre should prove interesting. Do you hear a melody or a feel? Mix and match styles/genres. Have fun what ever you do. This is a real experience for you so let your heart guide you and the music/melody WILL come. Trust me.
:-)

Looking forward to seeing this song in the Mp3 Forum.

Someone is working with me on this and has already started on a melody. Here is what we have so far but we are still making changes to make it flow better:

I used to wait for your name to appear
Every night on that PC screen.
I couldn’t wait to send you a note,
Then you’d send one right back to me.
We’d sit there alone for hours,
Just talkin’ ‘bout your kids and mine.
You’d ask me how things were going.
I'd say, “I guess I'm doin' alright."

Before we knew it we were more than friends
And that's when I realized,

Chorus:
Love was on the line.
My heart skipped a beat every time
Your words appeared before my eyes
Because love was on the line.
There was no turning back,
Our souls had intertwined.
There was too much at stake now that
Love was on the line.


Verse 2:
It’s amazing how so much emotion
Can be passed through these tiny lines.
But as we shared our hopes and our dreams together
You brought back a spark to my life.
I was falling in love
Long before I looked into your eyes
I was scared to death
that when we finally met
you might change your mind.

Chorus:
Because love was on the line
My heart was frozen for a moment in time
When I looked into your eyes
Yeah love was on the line.
There was no turning back,
Our souls had intertwined.
There was too much at stake now that
Love was on the line.


Bridge:
Well we've been married a few years now
and every day our love grows
It's crazy now to think about
A time not so long ago

Chorus:
When love was on the line
and my heart skipped a beat every time
your words appeared before my eyes.
Yeah love was on the line.
There was no turning back,
Our souls had intertwined.
There was too much at stake now that
Love was on the line.

Okay, I think we decided that the last part made the chorus too long. It is still a work in progress.
Johnnie