JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Nashville (co-write)

Hey Guys!

Here's one of my brother's songs. I've added a few things, and subtracted a few, but the majority of it is his. I think it's fun.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=953661&songID=7685918

As always, comments are welcome.

J--

Nashville

Well I think I could've made it in Nashville
If I'd have played my cards out right
But I smoked all that grass and drank so much whiskey
I'd forget every song I'd write
I think I could've made it in Nashville
If I'd have laid my cards down right

I had one about a lying, cheating girl
One about the money I'd spent
And the rest told how I laid true love to waste
And made it look like an accident
I believe I could have made it in Nashville
But opportunity came and went

Instr.

Then one of my guitar-pickin' songwritin' buddies
Ended up in the state pen
And the other got strung out on cocaine
Then he straightened up to be a family man
I know I could've made it in Nashville
If I'd had only one reliable friend

I would've sold my soul for a record of gold
But it wouldn't have been enough
Then you rescued me--I found all I need
In the fortune of your love

(c) 2008 James DeBoe / Jonathan DeBoe

Liking the guitars and I think the overall story is pretty good. I enjoyed the read and listen. Some of lines do seem rushed so maybe some paring or rephrasing might help.

Kevin

Kevin,

Thanks for the comment. There are two lines that definitely need editing. Others that are candidates, too. I'll work on those.

The song felt like it needed that fingerpicking style, almost like vintage John Prine. I don't know if my brother will do anything with it, but it seemed like it had potential, especially as an addition to his alt country repertoire.

He's over in Hot Springs, by the way. We're Virginia boys.

J--

Hi Jonathan,

This sounds great! Pickin', mood and structure is just right for this.

Due to the nature of the subject matter, it's not a commercial song, more like an artistic outlet IMO It would work better at writer's nights to share a beer and a music business rant over before getting back to work next morning, than for wide audiences (unless Willie Nelson sings it).

Therefore the ending couplet seemed like a quick add on, to me, that didn't really connected to the rest of the story. Might work better to have a fun or ironic ending following the story of the song, to really give it impact as a collegial song for the late hours, than try to give it the positive 'screwdriver' like the felt like now IMO

Could be something like (closing couplet)

Cause everything I love about Nashville
Is in the storys you know now

Hi Jonathan,

I love the music. but I think the lyrics still need more tweaking, somes lines are a bit rushed (3rd one, for example), others threw me off a bit ("But it wouldn't have been enough").

This song has great potential, though, imho. I'd love to hear it with lyrics as compelling as the music.

Just one thought, maybe, maybe not: Verse 4: And now that I've made it in Nashville, Thanks to your love and ..., etc.

Take care,

Yann