JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 DREAD THE WHISTLE BLOW - title change, now with music

Due to a major roadblock, I've now changed the title and concept of this lyric.

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Was raining consistently today in Vancouver. So I wrote this today. A Country song for a female voice.

Even Though It’s Wrong
© April 25, 2010 Stan Loh

Verse 1
It’s been raining hard outside,
But it also rains inside,
And I feel the blues upon me,
This new journey’s going to be a long ride,

Chorus
But please hold me close,
And please hold me tight,
I don’t want you to leave me tonight,
Even though it’s wrong,
And your mind ain’t strong,
I know you have to be a man tonight.

Verse 2
How can one day go by,
Without you by my side,
I know I cannot give you,
The kind of love that makes you right.
Repeat Chorus

Bridge
I don’t remember at all,
The accidental fall,
Now a lifetime in a wheelchair.
Is a woman’s worst nightmare …
Repeat Chorus

Verse 3
I don’t feel that you are cheating,
When you go out by yourself,
As long as you come home, dear,
Just pretend that you’re sincere,
Repeat Chorus

Here's the rewrite. Please openly criticize. Thanks!

Even Though It’s Wrong
© April 25, 2010 Stan Loh

Verse 1
It’s been raining hard outside,
It also rains inside,
And I feel the blues upon me,
This journey’s gonna be a long ride,

Chorus
But please hold me close,
And please hold me tight,
I don’t want you to leave me tonight,
Even though it’s wrong,
And your mind ain’t strong,
I know you have to be a man tonight.

Verse 2
How can one day go by,
Without you by my side,
I know I cannot give you,
The kind of love that makes you right.
Repeat Chorus

Bridge
I don’t remember at all,
The accidental fall,
Now a lifetime in a wheelchair.
Is too heavy a yoke to bear …
Repeat Chorus

Verse 3
I don’t feel that you are cheating,
When you go out by yourself,
As long as you come home, dear,
Just pretend that you’re sincere,
Repeat Chorus

STAN--
CONSIDER MY TAKE AND TITLE CHANGE---JMHO: (CAPS)


JUST PRETEND I BELONG-------TITLE CHANGE
© April 25, 2010 Stan Loh

Verse 1
IT’S STORMY AND GETTING DARK
I FEEL THE RAIN IN MY HEART,
A HURTIN’ SHADE OF blue CRIES
MY journey’s gonna be a long ride,

Chorus
LOVE hold me close,
AND SQUEEZE me tight,
PLEASE DON’T leave me tonight,
WHAT WE HAD IS GONE
JUST PRETEND I BELONG,


Verse 2
How can A day go by,
Without you by my side,
I cannot give TO you,
LOVE I HAVE INSIDE.
Repeat Chorus

Bridge
I don’t remember all,
‘BOUT THE accidental fall,
HERE in THIS wheelchair.
THE yoke I to bear …
Repeat Chorus

Verse 3
I don’t SAY you are cheating,
When you go by yourself,
Long as you come home
Pretend I BELONG,
Repeat Chorus

Mackie

G'Mornin' BrotherStan!

I guess this is Gal-Sung, BUT it rings SO-Close to Mel Tillis' 1969 Hit "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town", (Sung by quite a few artists, but Kenny Rogers "Owns It" now)...that it'll always get compared-to-it.

For Starters, here, Anatomically, it's difficult to see WHY singer's "Unable" to love her hubby, even though-paralyzed. Enough-said.

In the "Ruby" Lyric, there's a LOT more Pathos to it than here...(& a hint that Singer's gonna kill his cheatin' spouse..WHICH..in the Real Life Story it's based-upon, he DID..then committed suicide.) We're made-aware his injuries are War-Related (Conveniently JUST when the 'Nam War wasn't going too-well..too) and the tragedy really sinks-in.

Here, the wife gets-victimized..twice. The Accident..then The Marriage. (& we're forced to accept her Dirty Little Secret...a pretty tall order.) & for some reason, I'd like to see her blow HIM away too...

Waal, back to the Think Tank.

Best Wishes & a Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Mackie and Stan ...

I've pondered over your comments for a couple of days, and am still uncertain which way I should go with this song. I had half the mind to dump it...but then I think I have a pretty good melody for it...sooooo, like you say ...back to the think tank.

Stan, I knew full well, the story behind "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town" when I wrote this...and how big that song was.

Maybe I will work on it for a couple of days, and if not satisfied, I will write another lyric for the melody!

Watch this space.

Thanks so much!

Stan

I've now changed the lyric quite a bit. The new titile is "So Please Hold Me Close". You can also hear it...I've posted the work tape.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=28328&songID=9075011

So Please Hold Me Close
© April 25, 2010 Stan Loh

Verse 1
I’ve been trying hard to hide,
But the pain is deep inside,
And I feel the blues upon me,
Your journey’s gonna be a long ride,

Chorus
So please hold me close,
One last kiss good bye,
I don’t want you to see me cry,
Dread the whistle blow,
Soon the train will go,
Taking you away to a job on the other side … of the world.

Verse 2
I know I’ll hate the feeling,
The kids will be asking for you
Teach me how to tell them,
That daddy’s got a job to do?
Repeat Chorus

Bridge
I’ll be waiting for your call,
To come after the fall,
To bring the kids to a new place,
You’re hungry for our embrace …
Instrumental

Verse 3
How can one day go by,
Without you by our side,
I know your heart will hold you,
To the promises you made last night.
Repeat Chorus

Stan--

Even though this lyric reads smoother--it does not have a drama and punch of sadness, the original had. Look again at the version I wrote--it still had the drama and changed somewhat the idea--but retained the original intent. This version lacks a central theme that can hook a listener--JMHO .

Write on STAN.

Mackie

Mackie,

My battle with the original version of the lyric is not with drama, it's with the concept. As Stan pointed out, there ain't no way I can beat the fantastic idea of Mel Tillis with my song. It's too big, and therefore my lyric/song cannot hope to be anywhere close to it. Hence the decision to go with a new idea.

Thanks for your continuous support.

Stan

Hi Stan,

Sad but pretty song.

I got more emotion from the 2nd rewrite, if that helps.

But got more information out of write 3.

I think you're heading in a good direction!

Geneva

Geneva ... your perception does help. Thanks so much!

Stan

Here's the latest rewrite:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=28328&songID=9075011

So Please Hold Me Close
© April 25, 2010 Stan Loh

Verse 1
Many men have gone,
To discard the double-cross,
Jobs to ease their hardship,
They’re taking off the albatross,

Chorus
Dread the whistle blow,
Soon the train will go,
I don’t want you to see me cry,
Oh please hold me close,
One last kiss good bye,
Hope my love gives you strength,
On the other side of the world.

Verse 2
The future is all unclear,
The phone call says there are jobs,
The ticket stole our last dollar,
Tonight you climb aboard,
Repeat Chorus

Bridge
I’ll be waiting for your call,
To join you after all,
No matter how bad this a new place,
I’ll be hungry for your embrace …
Instrumental

Verse 3
I know I’ll hate the feeling,
The kids will ask for you,
Teach me how to tell them,
That daddy’s trying something new.
Repeat Chorus

It's interesting how this lyric took several directions. It finally ended up like this. Hope you like the result! Thanks for all your help!:

Music - http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=28328&songID=9121109

Dread The Whistle Blow
© May 8, 2010 Stan Loh

Verse 1
Feeling chills under my collar,
Phone call claims there are jobs,
The ticket ate my last dollar,
I’m hearing tears and sobs,

Chorus
I dread the whistle blow,
Too soon the train will go,
I’m jobless I do this dance,
To change my circumstance,
Can’t show I’m petrified,
I’ll hide my face to cry,
I will call you … yes I’ll call you when I arrive.

Verse 2
We’re sardined, packed tight in third class,
Sharing with old union boss,
I hold on to my train pass,
St. Christopher and my cross,

Chorus 2
We’ll hear the whistle blow,
Steel wheels whine through the snow,
I’m jobless I do this dance,
To change my circumstance,
Can’t show I’m petrified,
I’ll hide my face to cry,
I will call you … yes I’ll call you when I arrive.

Bridge
When I’ve gone through union hall,
I’ll find a place to call,
You’ll bring the kids to this place,
I’ll be hungry for your embrace …