JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "Until Then" lyrics - help!

Well this lyric ended up in a completely different place from where it was supposed to go. Started out as a depressing, slow ballad and now it's HAPPY and I don't know what to do. It seems a little, idk, cliche as a result. Made the mistake of showing somebody with the original music and it just plain did not work. Anybody have ideas for how to fix?


"Until Then" - C. 2010

V. 1
I’m not saying that it’s easy
I’m just telling you the truth
And I’m not sure that you’ll believe me
Even though I really need you to
Cause I’m not staying here forever
I’m not ready for that part
You know that someday I’ll be leaving
But for now you have my heart

V. 2
Never planned on staying this long
Life just caught us by surprise
And I still find it amazing
That we’ve lasted all this time
I can’t promise you forever
Only “till death do us part”
It could be over in an instant
But until then you have my heart

V. 3
When I fade into a memory
If tomorrow never dawns
Even though you cannot find me
Know I won’t be truly gone
I can’t stay with you forever
Our whole lives are just the start
But I will wait for you to join me
And you will always have my heart.

cool write but a chorus is needed.bring out the "until then" in it.

Thanks!

Until Then c. 2010 Kitty 84

Chorus:

Until then we've todays and tomorrows
Until then we can love like we'll never regret
Until then we can steal time once borrowed
Until then we'll be loving like our hearts never wept

Thanks Christine. That's actually more in line with where it was supposed to go originally. :-)

Hi Kate,

Seemed like it could have a melody like that of,
"I'm Not Sayin" by Gordon Lightfoot

I had an idea pop up that I personally would do.
I hope you can appreciate that "I can't leave without my heart" is a good Country hook that I've given you.:

I’m not saying that it’s easy
I’m just telling you the truth
And I’m not sure that you’ll believe me
Even though I really need you to
Cause I’m not staying here forever
I’m not ready for that part
You know that someday I’ll be leaving
BUT I CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT MY HEART

CHORUS
YES for now you have my heart
HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN'T SAY
BUT YOU STOLE IT FROM THE START

(or for a longer chorus three more lines and a Chorus rhyme scheme of ABACDC)

ETC., ETC.

Cheers,
Terry

P.S.
Went back and looked at Polly's contribution.
If you used my idea the song title might become "I can't Leave Without My Heart"
or "Without My Heart" in which case
Polly's section could become a nice bridge.

Well you guys have certainly given me some thoughts for a rewrite. I tend not to post stuff I'm actually done with & this one has been a particular source of aggravation. I believe the only other individual to see this - who will not be welcomed to offer comment on anything else - compared trying to do an edit to "taking a hunk of rust out of the junkyard."

Hi Kitty,

Here's a twist put a bridge in it and retitle it "Now you've got my heart" and yes its up tempo and that is commercial so I would go for it.....

Thanks for letting me take a peek at your creation.

Happy writing.

Hi Kitty. You could go several ways with this structurally. Terry and Polly seem to favor the addition of a chorus - which musically should work with most genres. But that would leave you with ABABAB - which is okay perhaps with a musical solo between Ch2 and V3. You could also modify that structure to replace V3 with a bridge(you could use some lines in your current V3)and go ABABCB. Another way to go is AABA. I'd use "But for now you have my heart" at the end of both V1 and V2 and only change it at the end of V3. The AABA would go better with a Blues/Jazz slower type of song. So you would write your bridge accordingly. Best wishes.

Yeah I was going for more the blues/jazz style originally. Thanks for the AABA suggestion, that definitely helps!

Hi Kitty,

I really like what you've got going on here. I have a tendency to think that EVERYTHING needs a chorus... so I would agree with the others that you should add one. I also think your hook should be "You Have My Heart"... then I would use your current Verse 2 as Verse 1 , your current Verse 3 as Verse 2, and I would take a few lines from Verse 1 and turn it into a chorus... or you could come up with an entirely new chorus to support the hook and use some of the lines from verse one to form a bridge.

Good stuff, here. Keep at it

Heather

Just wanted to say hello and welcome. So, "Hello and Welcome."

You have received enough feedback so far that I will look forward to any re-write. As to you "cliche" worries IMO if you see them, and they are there, then recognize them and begin seeing how to say what you are saying and say it differently. Listing ideas has worked for me in the past.

Good luck, have fun and we will see you around the Board.

Doug

Hi Doug & thanks for all the great suggestions everybody!