JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Final lyrics for this song...

Hello,
I have not tried a lyric feedback yet and I feel that I should just to make any minor changes before I finish this song. Please take a look and if you have any thoughts I would be greatful!
Ricky

"I WISH"

WHEN I SEE YOU
IM PARILIZED
BUT YOUR THE ONE WHO CANT MOVE
SUDDENLY YOUR OPEN EYES
DONT SEE WHAT THEY WANT TO
STOP LOOKING
YOUR HEARTS BLIND
TO THE PAIN INFLICTED EVERY TIME
I SEE FEAR IN BLACK EYES
OH IT HURTS ME INSIDE

CHORUS
AND I WISH YOU HAD IT MADE
NO MORE TEARS OR FEELING SHAME
SPREAD YOUR WINGS SO YOU CAN
FLY AWAY AND NOT COME BACK
ALONE NOW
BUT YOU NEED HIM NOW
ONE DAY SOMEHOW
I WISH I COULD TELL YOU
I WISH I COULD TELL YOU
I WISH I COULD TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR

NO REGRETS
NOT THIS TIME
GRAB YOUR LIFE AND JUST MOVE ON
HELPLESS YOU TRY
TO TAME MENTAL SUICIDE
START BREATHING
STOP DROWNING
THIS CHANGE WILL ONLY SAVE YOU
I SEE FEAR IN BLACK EYES
AND IT HURTS ME INSIDE

CHORUS

(ENDING AFTER CHORUS)

...NOTHINGS CHANGED
HES THE SAME
NOTHINGS CHANGED
EVERYTHINGS THE SAME

Hey Ricky, welcome to the lyric boards.
It's pretty vague--abstract or whatever.
It'd probably help us to know what particular genre it's aimed at
What works in one doesn't necessarily work in another
I'll get back for a better look
Wy

I've often wondered how you critique lyrics without knowing the music that it is going with. I don't know too many rules and just go with what sounds good and matches the melody the best I can. This is a rock song at a medium bpm. It's hard for me to explain much else about it really. I guess as long as the words go together I am ok with it being a little vague. It is about a girl who just cannot seem to get away from an abusive man and as a family member or close friend the singer has a hard time watching her suffer time and time again but just cant bring himself to tell her what she needs to hear...that he will never change.
Thanks,
Ricky

Thanks Ricky,
A bit out of my territory but new folks on the boards sometimes have a hard time getting much attention.
I'm not sure how much of the scenario as you give it, will come across without an explanation but "vague" can work too as has been demonstrated many times
I undestand what you're saying in the closing 3 lines of the C ---I think probably in most cases you can tell 'em and tell 'em and they still don't or won't get it. However you could still take from what you have, that you wish you could find the right words to get through to her.
Maybe some will chime in who are more "in tune" with the genre.

A story needing told again and again. I'm always amazed, with all the supposed "liberation" and "progress" supposedly made by women, how this kind of thing seems to go on and on
Write on
Wy

For those of us who have been at this awhile, we study songs that sell and/or move us; and most of those songs (with very few exceptions) have forms we can classify and categorize. We see the pattern and the architecture of a song. Sometimes the patterns bore us silly- but even a simple pattern is a "confinement" that makes songwriting a discipline- just like a Shakespearean sonnet or Japaneses Haiku form is a confinement that sharpens the poets creativity. If there is no pattern or no "confinement" of expression, there is no poetry. You could say, well I have my own pattern and you don't appreciate it. Well, that is true but like abstract expressionism in art, you have to ask the question: How did you get here? We know Picasso could draw realistically when he was just a boy. So when he puts two eyes on the same side of the face, as an adult, we don't dismiss his art. But if one can't draw a circle and cannot draw realistically, it is a hard sell to convince an art buyer that the artist really knows what he is doing.

I look for the natural rhythm of the song. When I read the lyrics to a well crafted song, I can "feel" the rhythm even if I have never heard the melody.

I look for something that moves me. Does the lyrics tell a story or provide imagery that gives me goose bumps? Is the turn of phrase so unique that it is startling? Is there a natural conversational feel to the lyrics? I happen to think that the only reason not to be clear in a lyric is when the writer is being figurative and if she is really good at it, at least two meanings are derived from one figurative phrase- that is the economy of poetry, song writing's old fashioned cousin.

I'm not going to critique this because I don't think you really want that. I can only say that, for me, using the theme you stated and the "hook" you have chosen, I would work the hook into the song from the beginning. I might start with the hook like this:

I wish I wasn't paralyzed
When I stare into your eyes

Too Ambiguous, my friend,

Nothing should need explaining, You've failed to convey your message, when we cant follow we switch off.

When you send your song off to pitch, what will you do send an
a letter explaining your ambiguity .

Needs many re writes

Hi Ricky,

This is a tough subject to write about but it's looking good. I had to read it a few times to decide who the (you) was. To begin with a thought you were talking to the abuser, lol since they can't move I thought you had arranged that for them!

If you can squeeze (your) into this line I think it would be easier to follow...I SEE FEAR IN (your) BLACK EYES

The next thing, I wonder if you need (alone now) in the chorus? You have that line and the next ending in now. I just can’t see where (alone now) is needed and to be honest it doesn’t make sense there TO ME. Of course it could just be me!!

I do look forward to hearing this, as I said it’s looking good!

Dottie

I REALLY appreciate everyones feedback! I am going to keep working on this to make it clearer. I think the music is really worth making the effort to put some good lyrics to. Thanks Dottie for your support and I agree with you. I will probably find a way to make those changes.

That is funny you thought I arranged the paralyze for the abuser! Sometimes "I wish" that too!

Ricky

Thanks Wy!
This song needs some work. Stay tuned and I will try to post a rewrite soon!
Ricky

Samuel,
Thank you for the explanation. I think you expressed it well. I have spent the last couple of years working on my mixing skills in my studio and songwriting is something I am trying out. I am pretty sure I can do it better with some (or a lot) of effort. It took me a long time to understand how to mix a song using compressors, eq, reverbs etc... But its been worth the time to me. I feel my recordings are so much better now then when I started.

It appears writing lyrics will take a similar effort which is fine with me. I have a new respect for those that can really mix a song well and I'm sure that will happen with lyric writing as well.

I am glad not to get a critique yet as this song is just not ready. I will work on a rewrite and post it soon. (hopefully)

It's kind of funny because I get what you are saying but I don't think I REALLY GET IT. Not yet anyway. Time to hit the books and continue to visit here to learn. If you have any suggestions on a book or other I would appreciate it.

And thank you for the suggestion. I will see If I can make something like that fit.

Back to work!

Ricky

Matt,

This song was not ready for a critique. Thank you for checking it out and taking the time to leave a response.

Ricky

Yes, do keep on with this, it's too good to let it end up in the throw away pile..it deserves to be worked on more,most if it, even though i'm no singer...I could sing it with a country feel..and some of the words I could relate to..

so, please do keep on with this,,,and i'm sure it then will be a great song..wish I had more to offer, but i'm been sick lately and don't even feel like working on my own songs..but don't let this one slip away...thanks for sharing what you have so far..

glyn

Thank you Glynda. I Hope you feel better soon.

I have been working on it already a little. How about this for a first verse and chorus? better???

SHE SEES HIM
BUT CANT MOVE
PARALYZED BY WHAT HE'LL DO

SUDDENLY HER
OPEN EYES DON'T
SEE WHAT THEY WANT TO

SHES LOOKING FOR WHAT SHES DONE WRONG
IF SHE LEAVES HIM WHERE WILL SHE GO
I SEE FEAR IN HER BLACK EYES
OH AND IT HURTS ME INSIDE

CHORUS
AND I WISH YOU HAD IT MADE
NO MORE TEARS OR FEELING SHAME
SPREAD YOUR WINGS
SO YOU CAN FLY AWAY
AND NOT LOOK BACK
HE'S ALONE NOW
SAYS HE NEEDS YOU NOW
OH HOW I WISH...
I WISH I COULD TELL YOU
I WISH YOU WOULD LEAVE HIM
I WISH YOU COULD TELL HIM
WHAT HE NEEDS TO HEAR


Probably still needs some work but I am feeling it's a bit better.
Ricky

Welcome fellow Oregonian from Eugene!

You're trying to tell a difficult emotional story that needs to be told. I was married to a 30 year hurricane. My husband died in August, and I married my best friend and have such a life now, like I could have never imagined. That's a long story that I'm not ready to publicly tell yet.

When you get to know me, you'll learn that when something reaches out and grabs me, I tend to give you my my take on your song. Doesn't mean I think my way is right, I only post to give you another way of looking at it, keep or toss any of my comments, and good luck with your song!

I would like to see the title be along the lines of " I wish you had it made", again, personal preference.

V1
That look in his eye
Says guard every move
Watch you say watch what you do

Don't stop to stare
Your sences are aware
Yet you're so afaid to prove it

Lift
What did you do wrong, where will you go
How will you live, looking over your shoulder

Ch
I wish you had it made
Had means to fly away
Never looking back
Though tears no shame
You're not ready now
Still need him somehow
Knowing.. he'll never change
I wish you had it made..

V2 ?

Repeat chorus

Bridge
There is no regret
Livin' on borrowed time
This mental suiside
Means you still have your life..

Repeat ch

Tag
Nothing will change
He'll remain the same
Girl youv'e gotta get away

Geneva,

Hello and nice to meet you! Maybe we will cross paths someday as my wife's parents live in eugene. She grew up there and I in Corvallis.

Definitely a sensitive subject and I am trying not to use harsh or extremely descriptive lyrics to tell this story. It involves my wife's sister. Last summer, after other confrontations, she had to get in her car with her two very small children and race through the streets to get away as he was chasing her. She slammed into a curb while attempting a u-turn and had to run into someones house that she did not know and call the police. He is in jail and due to get out this summer. She is living here and doing very well under the circumstances but I can see her possibly going back to him. Pretty tough for us to think about.

You have hit the melody almost spot on. These lyrics are much better and I thank you for taking the time. I'm sure I will use some of them if its ok with you. I absolutely love the tag and can here it in my mind at the end of the song. Brilliant! I can't wait to get out my guitar and see how I can make some of this fit.

I think I also agree with the title "wish you had it made" or something similar. It's kind of hard to sing about wishing you could tell something to someone who is still alive and that you can talk to. I mean just tell them right? I still may incorporate a line about wanting to say something but would it make a difference? (Unless that does not fit within the frame of the song)

Actually the more I think about it saying "I wish you had it made" might be enough to get that point across. We shall see.

I will probably bother you again for more advice if that is ok and if you would be interested in a co-write or collab let me know.

THANK YOU AGAIN!

Ricky

Hi Ricky,

I really appreciate all your thoughts, and if I can be of any help to you on your song, pm me and I'll help as best I can, I'm very happy to help!

As far as a co-write... this is your song, and a cowrite is not necessary for my time, I just see your song as I see it, others will see it differont ways.

You've got a start, off and runnin....

If you come up with something that you'd like to cowrite on in the future... I'm definately game, and I'd love it.

But this is your song, so I'll be as helpful as I can.

Geneva

Hi Ricky,

I really appreciate all your thoughts, and if I can be of any help to you on your song, pm me and I'll help as best I can, I'm very happy to help!

As far as a co-write... this is your song, and a cowrite is not necessary for my time, I just see your song as I see it, others will see it differont ways.

You've got a start, off and runnin....

If you come up with something that you'd like to cowrite on in the future... I'm definately game, and I'd love it.

But this is your song, so I'll be as helpful as I can.

Geneva

Hi Ricky,

I really appreciate all your thoughts, and if I can be of any help to you on your song, pm me and I'll help as best I can, I'm very happy to help!

As far as a co-write... this is your song, and a cowrite is not necessary for my time, I just see your song as I see it, others will see it differont ways.

You've got a start, off and runnin....

If you come up with something that you'd like to cowrite on in the future... I'm definately game, and I'd love it.

But this is your song, so I'll be as helpful as I can.

Geneva

Hiya, late chiming in here --

It looks like the rewrite process is going really well! I like your first rewrite, Ricky, and Geneva's is good too. It'll get there.

In the first draft at the top, it was sort of unclear that the abuser was not the actual speaker (that was my first thought) but in the revisions this is all cleared up.

Also Queen had a hit with "Spread Your Wings" which went "spread your wings and fly away" in the chorus .... so it will be a good move to change that line so it's not exactly the same.

But - again - the rewrite took care of that looks like --

Sad situation and I hope it turns out all right in the end for her.

Glad he's in jail. At least.

Linda