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Lot Long
by Gary E. Andrews - 11/10/26 11:20 AM
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 28
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 28 |
I dont know where I have been,
I dont know what I am looking for,
I am just here, searching...
Night is so close,
And I just want the most,
Of our time, to feel alright...
'Cause the clock is ticking down.
'Cause the stars are coming 'round,
And I cant take their twinkling hellos....
Which translates to, less time with you,
And even though no one knows...
That your heart is mine,
I cant let go this time...
I am sitting here waiting for,
Destiny to call me and say,
"This is meant to be."
But what I'm doing actually,
I'm drowning myself even more.
Emotions spin 'round my head,
Amd I wonder if I've been mislead,
Holding onto a dream,
That's bursting at the seams,
While I'm waiting for destiny..
I've been strugglin',
With the fact that she's not over you.
I've been fightin',
Saying "There is nothin' I can do."
But really I am scared to say anything,
Because I dont want to be,
The one to smother you.
And my fears are shivering.....
From the sunset air....
Night is so close,
And I just want the most,
Of our time, to feel alright...
'Cause the clock is ticking down.
'Cause the stars are coming 'round,
And I cant take their twinkling hellos....
Which translates to, less time with you,
And even though no one knows...
That your heart is mine,
I cant let go this time...
I was foolish once,
And I gave myself a broken heart.
Now I'm tearing my scars apart,
Trying to erase what I've done...
Night is so close,
And I just want the most,
Of our time, to feel alright...
'Cause the clock is ticking down.
'Cause the stars are coming 'round,
And I cant take their twinkling hellos....
Which translates to, less time with you,
And even though no one knows...
That your heart is mine,
I cant let go this time...
I'm tearing the scars apart....
Peace  and Love<3 Dani 
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 576
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 576 |
Yeah. This one is good. REAL good. Seriously wishing I wrote it. Critforcrit?
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 20,017 Likes: 34
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 20,017 Likes: 34 |
Don't forget to offer critiques of other people's lyrics Dani. A good rule of thumb is at least 3 critiques for each one you want in return. If it's always a one way street, you'll usually find folks will cut back or stop offering you feedback.
Brian
Brian Austin Whitney Founder Just Plain Folks jpfolkspro@gmail.com Skype: Brian Austin Whitney Facebook: www.facebook.com/justplainfolks"Don't sit around and wait for success to come to you... it doesn't know the way." -Brian Austin Whitney "It's easier to be the bigger man when you actually are..." -Brian Austin Whitney "Sometimes all you have to do to inspire humans to greatness is to give them a reason and opportunity to do something great." -Brian Austin Whitney
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 945
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 945 |
Hi, Dani! First, I just want to note how gorgeous this one is on paper structurally, without even reading it... the way your Chorus points out then tapers back in! Very cool! Then, upon reading, I find that this is really well written... good one! Makes sense, and in a unique way.
Good luck with it!
--Jen
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.--Mark Twain
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 28
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 28 |
Thank you both for the nice comments. It seriously makes my day when I find out someone likes my songs. And Brian I will be sure to reply more to others' songs. I made 4 critiques this afternoon. Now, I have a question, would the song be better if I took "which tanslates to, less time with you" out of the chorus, or would that impede comphrehension of the chorus? On the other forum I go to, someone commented that it was clunky and went against the rhythm of the whole piece.
Peace and Love<3 Dani
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,464 Likes: 49
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,464 Likes: 49 |
Hey there, Dani!! Nice to meet you! I must admit, I had a hard time focusing on the lyric because your profile pic kept distracting me. The puffy cheeks! It's the puffy cheeks! LOL! I like where you're going with this. Structurally (SP?) I find myself a little confused with this, but I'm sure if I heard it out loud I'd be like "Oh. Duh!" This is a nice read. I like it. Good job.
"Where there's a Gill, there's a way"
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 576
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 576 |
I like that line, Dani.
EDIT: What other forum are you on?
Last edited by Meg Engell; 07/19/11 07:30 PM.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 28
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 28 |
Dave- Sorry about my profile picture XD. It's one of my favorites though. I love the way my voice sounds when I sing this.. So it does seem better outloud.
Meg- I'm also on songstuff.com with the same username.
Peace and Love<3 Dani
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490 |
Hi Dani,
I'm not sure about the structure either, but you are highly expressive in your writing and it's very refreshing! I bet you'd be good at weaving a good tale via a novel too!
The title "Tearing the Scars Apart" isn't in the chorus. I don't know if this matters to you but I thought I'd point it out!
Lisa
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 28
Casual Observer
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OP
Casual Observer
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 28 |
Lisa, I finished my first novel before my 14th birthday. Thank you for the compliment.
Peace and Love<3 Dani
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Top 20 Poster
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Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490 |
Good for you -- I had the feeling that was in you!
Lisa
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,339 Likes: 6
Top 40 Poster
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Top 40 Poster
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,339 Likes: 6 |
Hello Dani and welcome to JPF.
Really enjoyed the ride of this one. Very interesting tale.
Keep Writing!
Douglas
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210
Top 50 Poster
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Top 50 Poster
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 5,210 |
I think you have some really impressive skills. I have offered a few places to take out a word or two to condense it, but if you do have music for it already then that may not work.  ..sometimes the extra words can make it wordy, sometimes not...it depends..I dont know where I have been,
I dont know what I am looking for,
I am just here, searching...in the song you seem to know you are wanting him, so the opening seems to go off from that idea a bit...
Night is so close,
And I just want the most,
Of our time, to feel alright...
'Cause BUT the clock is ticking down.
'CauseAND the stars are coming 'round,
And I cant take their twinkling hellos....nice line!!
Which translates to, less time with you, the word translates seems too technical a word for this style of song...maybe say, we are young and nightime means its time to say goodbye or something to that effect?
And even though no one knows...
That your heart is mine,
I cant let go this time...
I am sitting here waiting for,
Destiny to call me and say,
"This is meant to be."
But what I'm doing actually,
I'm drowning would this be DOUBTING myself instead of drowning ?myself even more.
Emotions spin 'round my head,
Amd I wonder if I've been mislead,
Holding onto a dream,
That's bursting at the seams,
While I'm waiting for destiny..
I've been strugglin',
With the fact that she's not over you.
I've been fightin',
Saying "There is nothin' I can do."
But really I am scared to say anything,
Because I dont want to be,
The one to smother you.
And my fears are shivering.....
From the sunset air....
Night is so close,
And I just want the most,
Of our time, to feel alright...
'Cause the clock is ticking down.
'Cause the stars are coming 'round,
And I cant take their twinkling hellos....
Which translates to, less time with you,
And even though no one knows...
That your heart is mine,
I cant let go this time...
I was foolish once,
And I gave myself a broken heart.
Now I'm tearing my scars apart- I am not sure of the reasons behind tearing scars apart...because you are in a good place, right? your feeling seem to be all over the place, which is common in new love...you want to be with him, but there is another girl trying to get him back, you are hiding that you care for him...you don't wanna smother him, Trying to erase what I've done...
Night is so close,
And I just want the most,
Of our time, to feel alright...
'Cause the clock is ticking down.
'Cause the stars are coming 'round,
And I cant take their twinkling hellos....
Which translates to, less time with you,
And even though no one knows...
That your heart is mine,
I cant let go this time...
I'm tearing the scars apart....
Last edited by Kimberlyinnc; 07/20/11 06:09 PM.
*Always open to collaborations on my lyrics.. with singers and musicians, but PLEASE contact me before putting work into one--in case someone else has it..thanks!!** BMI Member All Rights Reserved http://www.littleikepublishing.com Email for Song Business Only littleikeproductions@hotmail.com
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