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I would appreciate feedback of any kind!

The new version is at the very bottom of the page.

Thanks!


Promises

Copyright 2011 / Michael E. Lynch

I don’t hear your country music
Or get flowers and red wine
Pouring rain, or a new last name
Could never wash you off my mind

We took an oath, when we were kids
Til death do us part
All the precious little memories
Keep tearing at my heart

So many things, that I still want to say
Promises, we said that we would never break
It’s supposed to be me and you,
there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
To have you back today

I stand here looking in the mirror
At all the emptiness, I face
But one of these days, I know we’ll meet again
At a different time and a better place

The willow weeps beside our window
Your dog still sits right by the door
I guess she thinks you’re coming home soon
Like so many hundred times before.

So many things, that I still want to say
Promises, we said that we would never break
It’s supposed to be me and you,
there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
To have you here today

Bridge:

You fought so hard, every day these past two years
If I could only turn the hour glass, the heartache, and the fear
I know you took every last breath that you could
To tell me that I’ll be all right, just like I knew you would

Short Solo

So many things, that I still want to say
Promises, we said that we would never break
It’s supposed to be me and you,
there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
To have you home today

"Promises" occurs in the 2nd line of the Chorus and is forgotten by the time I get to the end of the Chorus. It doesn't seem to sum up the storyline, qualifying as THE hook, the point of the whole story. I'd make "To Have You Home Today" the title, and use it in each Chorus.

It seems too vague, for too long. It needs to get to the point quickly, setting the 'scene' or 'mood' up front, and developing it out through the 'story'. 'Hook factor' commences in the first sounds heard, especially the first lyrical line.

I'd match the verses more closely to each other, in the number of syllables, dictating the number of notes in the melody, and in the rhyme-scheme.

I'd try to simplify the Bridge.


Perhaps like this;

To Have You Home Today

Copyright 2011 / Michael E. Lynch

We took an oath, when we were kids
'Til death do us part
All YOUR precious little memories
Are hidden deep inside my heart

Pouring rain, or a new last name
Can't wash you off my mind
I don’t hear your country music
Or get flowers and red wine

So many things, I still want to say
Promises, we said we would never break
It’s supposed to be me and you,
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
To Have You Home Today

One of these days, we’ll meet again
In a better place
I stand here looking in the mirror
At all the emptiness, I face

The willow weeps. The ivy creeps
Your dog sits by the door
She must think you’ll come home soon
Like a hundred times before.

So many things, I still want to say
Promises, we said we would never break
It’s supposed to be me and you,
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
To Have You Home Today

Bridge:

We breathed the air together, every night for all thOse years
If I could only turn the hour glass, the heartache, and the fear

Short Solo

So many things, I still want to say
Promises, we said we would never break
It’s supposed to be me and you,
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
To Have You Home Today

Thanks,

I don't know much at all about lyric writing. I just do what people tell me for the most part.

Hum, I was told on a few other sites that the bridge was too short and didn't resolve anything or tell what happened to the person, so I tried to explain what happened to the person a little, without actually saying he had Cancer or some terminal illness.

I agree with the title. It was called "To have you home today". Then several people told me to change it to Promises, because it sounded more pleasing.

All of the lyrics fit the music really well, but maybe I can get rid of a few here and there.

It is really hit and miss when I post it on 5 to 10 songwriting sites. I get so many totally different suggestions that my head starts to spin.

It is also very hard for me to comment on other songs, since I don't know what is right or wrong.

I don't know right/wrong either. I just have an opinion. I could be very wrong.

Regarding the title, a title should stand out, should be very much the gist of the song. The word 'Promises' doesn't stand out, to me. There's a little bit of it in the verses, the 'oath', etc., but it's not a strong theme throughout the lyric.

The Chorus is weak, actually, not really an interesting making of some point to the whole song-story. The Bridge is weak too, in that regard. Keep it short. And, ideally, say something pivotal in the story-line, giving a finality to it. I cut the bottom two lines. You could cut the top two.

Don't try to keep it about your friend in reality. Make it a simple lost-love song, a fiction.

Again, not declaring 'right/wrong'; just opinions to stir the pot of your imagination.

Thanks!

I will keep working on it!

Thanks for your comments! I am trying to make it better each day.

Is this getting any better?


To Have You Back Home Today / Copyright 2011 / Michael E. Lynch


The way you asked about my day
And gave me all of your free time
Reminds me why, no other man on earth
Can ever take you off my mind

The willow weeps beside our window
Your dog sits right by the door
I guess she thinks you're coming home
Like so many hundred times before.

You fought the losing battle, and the pain for two long years
If I could only turn the hour glass, the heartache, and the fears

All the little things ---- I'll never get to say
Just have to do the best ---- to find my way
It's supposed to be me and you,
there's nothing I wouldn't do,
No price too high to pay
To have you ----------- To have you back home today

We took an oath, when we were young
Til death we'd never part
Now all of our precious memories
Surround my lonely heart

I stand here looking in the mirror
At all the emptiness, I face
One of these days, we'll meet again
At a different time, and a better place

I know you took, the very last breath that you could
To tell me that I'll be all right, just like I knew you would

All the little things ---- I'll never get to say
Just have to do the best ---- to find my way
It's supposed to be me and you,
there's nothing I wouldn't do,
No price too high to pay
To have you ----------- To have you back home today

Short Solo or bridge?

All the little things ---- I'll never get to say
Just have to do the best ---- to find my way
It's supposed to be me and you,
there's nothing I wouldn't do,
No price too high to pay
To have you ----------- To have you back home today

The rewrite has improved it enormously. Although songwriters are often advised not to get so specific, "last breath." I found that drawing me smack into the song. Pam

Thanks a lot! After playing around with some guitar chords and drum track, the song was around 4:40. I had to do some serious lyric trimming to make it around 3:45 long.

Here is the result. I like it much better. The title has changed and many other things.


All The Little Things

Copyright December 2011 / Michael E. Lynch

The willow weeps outside our window
Your dog still sits right by the door
I guess she thinks you're coming home soon
Like so many hundred times before.

You fought a constant battle, and the pain for two long years
If I could just turn back the hands, the heartache, and the fear

All the little things -------------- that you had to say
Telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
That I'm the reason why, you always loved your life
And kept the fire burnin' blue, when I turned out the lights
All----The little things

I sit here looking in the mirror
At all the emptiness, I face
One of these days I know we'll meet again
At a different time, and a better place

I know you took, the very last breath that you could
To tell me that I'll be all right, just like I knew you would

All the little things -------------- that you had to say
Telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
That I'm the reason why, you always loved your life
And kept the fire burnin' blue, when I turned out the lights
All----The little things


Bridge:

Your smiley face on a frosted window
One of your hand prints on the wall
A place for two set at the table
You won't catch me when I fall

All the little things -------------- that you had to say
Telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
That I'm the reason why, you always loved your life
And kept the fire burnin' blue, when I turned out the lights
All----The little things

Michael,

I like the new re-write and title change. I especially like the image I get from these lines-

The willow weeps outside our window
Your dog still sits right by the door
I guess she thinks you're coming home soon
Like so many hundred times before.

It's touching lyrics and I look forward to hearing it!

Telewanger, You said you don't know much about lyric writing. One of the best ways to learn is to study the lyrics of a few of your favorite songs. Try to write a song by mimicking the meter and structure of the songs you enjoy. Then continue to read, read, read other lyrics until you begin to get a real feel for how to write a good lyric. Keep at it.

Just a quickie. IMO I think the last line of the C should be something with promise again like

It’s supposed to be me and you,
there’s nothing I wouldn’t do,
I Promise girl its true.

JIMO

Thanks!

I had to totally write it again. It was way too long, over 4:30. Now, I think that it is much better and around 3:45. It is also a male or female song now, which is really cool.

All The Little Things

Copyright December 2011 / Michael E. Lynch

The willow weeps outside our window
Your dog still sits right by the door
I guess she thinks you're coming home soon
Like so many hundred times before.

You fought a constant battle, and the pain for two long years
If I could just turn back the hands, the heartache, and the fear

All the little things -------------- that you used to say
Like telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
All the little things ---------------that you would do
For the right amount of love to keep the fire burnin' blue
All----The little things

I sit here looking in the mirror
At all the emptiness, I face
One of these days I know we'll meet again
At a different time, and a better place

I know you took, the very last breath that you could
To tell me that I'll be all right, just like I knew you would

All the little things -------------- that you used to say
Like telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
All the little things ---------------that you would do
For the right amount of love to keep the fire burnin' blue
All----The little things


Bridge:

If you can hear me cry, you need to give some kind of sign
How can I really start the mornings now, ---- without

All the little things -------------- that you used to say
Like telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
All the little things ---------------that you would do
For the right amount of love to keep the fire burnin‘ blue
All----The little things

I really enjoyed the rewrite. Maybe the bridge could be strengthened.

"If you can hear me cry, you understand how hard I try
To make a start on mornings now.... without"

KOS
Pam

I like it!!!!!!!!

"If you can hear me cry, you understand how hard I try.


I still need something for the last line of the bridge for a big bang.

Maybe:

To make it through the sleepless hours now, ---- without

To make it through the sleepless mornings now, ---- without

Hum?????

My opinion- go with "To make it through the sleepless hours now,----without"

Pam

Sorry I should have explained, I loved the sound of the vowels in "hours now,--- without"

Pam

Thanks a lot Pam and everyone else!

You helped me out a lot.

The version below seems to be okay. It has been getting good reports from several different sites. I think that it might be good to go????????

All The Little Things

Copyright December 2011 / Michael E. Lynch

The willow weeps outside our window
Your dog still sits right by the door
I guess she thinks you're coming home soon
Like so many hundred times before.

You fought a constant battle, and the pain for two long years
If I could just turn back the hands, the heartache, and the fear

All the little things -------------- that you used to say
Like telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
All the little things ---------------that you would do
For the right amount of love to keep the fire burnin' blue
All----The little things

I sit here looking in the mirror
At all the emptiness, I face
One of these days I know we'll meet again
At a different time, and a better place

I know you took, the very last breath that you could
To tell me that I'll be all right, just like I knew you would

All the little things -------------- that you used to say
Like telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
All the little things ---------------that you would do
For the right amount of love to keep the fire burnin' blue
All----The little things


Bridge:

If you can hear me cry, you understand how hard I try
To make it through the sleepless hours now, ---- without

All the little things -------------- that you used to say
Like telling me --- I'm still wonderful --- as you were on your way
All the little things ---------------that you would do
For the right amount of love to keep the fire burnin‘ blue
All----The little things

I am not a critic by any means but i do like the lyrics.