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If anyone's got ideas to help improve this that'd be great!


Vagabond Angel

(c) 2012 Geneva Griffin

Verse 1
Known as the neighborhood bag lady,
She pushes her shoppin' cart,
Finds a few new things to add daily,
Everything means somethin' to someone..

Verse 2
There's somebody more down'n out,
More needy and destitute,
Though she's hungry and penniless,
She'll share her last scrap of food..

Chorus
The world says she's the neighborhood street bum,
A deadbeat derelict vagarant,
Another washed-out has-been have-not hobo,
An unemployed tramp or transient..
She's a homeless indigent.. just lookin' for a hand out....
But to her friends and Jesus.... she's a vagabond angel..

Bridge
She's unworldly that's the truth,
Unearthly devine,
Folks say she talks to herself,
As she speaks Jesus smiles......

Chorus
The world says she's the neighborhood street bum,
A deadbeat derelict vagarant,
Another washed-out has-been have-not hobo,
An unemployed tramp or transient..
She's a homeless indigent.. lookin' for a hand out....
But to her friends and Jesus.... she's a vagabond angel..

Verse 3
If Jesus walked thu this world today,
Those with great earthly possessions,
May not see a savior for a vagabon,
Cause he stores his wealth in heaven,

Chorus
They'd say he's the next neighborhood street bum,
A deadbeat derelict vagarant,
Another washed-out has-been have-not hobo,
An unemployed tramp or transient..
He's a homeless indigent.. there goes the neighborhood....
But to his Father and his flock.... he's the Son of God..

a really good start Geneva!I dig the title.I don't know where verse 3 came from,kinda got off the subject i think.Maybe less descriptions of what a vagabond is and more of her story in the chorus.Good luck coz i like a down n out song!

hey Nightengale, love the story and the street angel great lines in this and it moves the soul. ~~~MFB III

Thanks Michael,

I changed to last chorus to try and make V3 work, if it doesn't I'll toss v3 and go somewhere else, then let last chorus be like the others.

I appreciate youe help!

Geneva

Good title. There are lots of songs being written about the homeless. They haunt the street corners here in Nashville. Times are hard.

Good title. There are lots of songs being written about the homeless. They haunt the street corners here in Nashville. Times are hard.

Thanks Mike, I appreciate your time to comment, means alot!

Hi Jim,
Yea, they haunt the streets here too.

More and more all the time!

Geneva

Gen.... you are one of my fave writers on here cause you have such great ideas! I'm not sure if you intend to write commercially or not but i think you should seriously consider it! i have been at this awhile and though i've never been published, i have been close and am still trying. i assume your genre is country because your thoughts seem to lend themselves to that style of lyrics and i believe you could easily hear a song of yours on the radio one day! having said all that, i see no meter or set rhyme scheme in your lyrics. that tends to be important when you write for publishing because the listening audience likes a set pattern that is easy to remember and sing along to. i rewrote your first two verses and chorus to give you an example of what i mean, trying to stay true to your ideas yet structure them more "commercially". these are just my thoughts and remember, i am only trying to help you if you are considering doing this for possible publication in the country genre. if you aren't, just tell me to kiss your a** and leave you and your songs alone!!! :)))) scotty

that shopping cart holds everything she has
people look at her and they think how sad
if they only knew she's happy as them
her life ain't wasted, it's just different

she don't have a lot but she'll share it all
any scrap of food no matter how small
the coat off her back when it gets real cold
some dimes and nickles when those cans get sold

(Chorus)
she isn't homeless cause she has a home
she isn't lonely cause she ain't alone
she may be faceless but she has a name
to friends and Jesus she's the 5th street saint

notice every line has 10 syllables, that is meter. there is also a set rhyme scheme.... AABB. my lines are by no means perfect but i wanted to give you an example of what i mean with meter and rhyme. good luck with this one girl... SUPER potential!! scotty

hello NG.

as all ready mentioned you do come up with some great ideas and hooks BUT my "nit" would be the wordyness of this lyric.

do not know if I have asked you this but do you have any of your lyrics up somewhere with music and vocals? I would really love to here the mixing of the two to give me an idea if I am right or not when it comes to the "to many words".

besides that observation I like where this started from but like Micheal I question the third verse and its place here.

have fun and keep them coming.

douglas

Hi Doug,

Here are a few of my songs that have music/vox

I'll post 3 or 4 of my wordiest.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11022599

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11001162

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10012677

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=8010639

http://fawm.org/songs/24062/

Hi Scotty,

I had more of an ABAB on this one and use alot of near rhymes, and vowel rhymes if I'm hurtin' for words.

I see what you're saying and I appreciate all the feedback and help I can get! Commercial hasn't crossed my mind, I haven't put in my time as a writer yet. I don't have a song I believe in enough to put out for a demo, so that sounds like a waste of money to me, knowing whats on the market.

I may redo this later and change the rhyme, I really appreciate your ideas!

Geneva

I was just on the general message forum reading Brians post on critiques.

My personal reason for posting for critiques is to use you'alls help to become a better writer, and this will be rewritten in time. I appreciate everyones thoughts and comments and consider them all in the rewrite. So..... If I went to far bringing Jesus into the song, I wanna know it if you feel this way, if anyone else can't find meter or feels it's too wordy, I wanna know that too.

These things don't hurt my feelings, and if they did, I'd still need to hear them if my goal is to improve my writing, so please don't hold back with me! All of your thoughts are important to me!

Geneva