This one is about no one in particular more about loss in
general, I say that just to let you know I won't be hurt
or upset if this gets ripped to pieces so honest crits even
if all bad would be much appreciated,

Tony.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10010427

Heaven Needed You More

You filled my life
And brought me happiness
You graced this world
As if heaven sent
I remember good times
Days of joy we spent
I never thought those
Days would end

Now in loneliness I stand
For I’ve lost part of who I am
And I need you more than ever before
But you had to go heaven needed you more

As perfect as can be
You meant the world to me
You were always there
When I was in need
Loved cherished esteemed
In deed and memory
Now I miss you
Like you wouldn’t believe

Now in loneliness I stand
For I’ve lost part of who I am
And I need you more than ever before
But you had to go heaven needed you more

So heavenly in every way
And heaven knows
I miss you everyday

Now in loneliness I stand
For I’ve lost part of who I am
And I need you more than ever before
But you had to go heaven needed you more

Words/Music by Tony Atkinson ©

Tony, You've strung together a string of cliches in tribute to a lost loved one and tied them altogether with a Hallmark sentiment: Heaven needed you more.

The song says someone made you happy, then died. Now you feel crappy but it's ok, 'cause Heaven needed that person more.

Is that how you would really feel? If so, then I guess the song is done. If not, rewrite. And tell a story. Don't substitute cliches for real feelings. You must have lost someone in your life. Write about how that left you feeling.

I agree with Dan. This has Hallmark card written all over it. Great for greeting cards, not so much in songwriting. I think it was Jason Blume that said, "Think Wal-Mart, not Hallmark!"

Put specific details in your verses, concrete words (items you can photograph), paint a picture for us to see. Make it easy for the music video director when the song is about to be released.

These are some really beautiful lyrics Tony.
A warm story told in a really creative way.
The musical arrangement and the vocals are mix just perfectly.
Loved that Hawaiian sounding guitar, mixed in the back.
Great touch...

Nelson

Dan, thankfully I haven't lost anyone close to me and long
long, long may that last, so I tried to walk in an others
shoes, unfortunately it may have been a Hallmark writers
shoes...lol but I wonder do people get comfort from what is
written in a sympathy card? I don't know I haven't had to
read one...never would be fine by me, so in turn never
returning to or re-writing this would be fine too,

Thanks for giving this a spin and for your honest comments,

Tony.

R. Shayne, the lyric pretty much came of their own accord,
they seemed to me to have feeling and emotion, I know I
I haven't felt the pain of loss but I do know people who,
"fill my life" seem like they have been "heaven sent" who
give me days of "days of joy" are "part of who I am" are
there for me "when I'm in need" etc, cliches but true,
I guess that is why the whole greeting card industry uses
phrases like those, so I get what you are saying, it maybe
covers everything but is impersonal, simplistic in a way
that can be mass produced,

Thanks for taking the time to listen and comment,

Tony.

Nelson, I have to say the Hawaiian guitar happened purely
by accident, I was going for something else and well it
turned out differently, like you I thought it had a nice
touch and left it as is, appreciate you giving it a listen
and for commenting,

Tony.

Tony, I mostly critique from a commercial point of view, as that is the area that I am most interested in succeeding. Everything I've ever read or heard about the industry says that they want fresh ideas and imagery, and using cliches is the kiss of death.

Good luck with your writing. That's something we all need in this competitive business.

R. Shayne, that makes sense, who want to hear the same thing
repeated over and over, I guess the trick is to invent all new cliches,

Good luck to you too and thanks again,

Tony.

Cliches are important tools. Used correctly, they impart a lot of information in just a few words. There's room for all sorts of songs in the world. Who knows, someone might hear this and go -- that's me!

Kevin

O.k., first thing I always do is read the lyrics, then listen and read along. I have to tell you, I didn't expect the music to be quite so up-beat.
Loss, major loss, unless experienced is all but impossible to understand. Everyone feels loss differently. Some people mourn a divorce (loss of relationship) just as much as someone else may mourn the loss of a person. Or a pet. Or a job.
It does read pretty broad in description. Like, you 'remember the good times' and all that stuff like Mr. Sullivan was saying in his comment. It is kind of generic sounding. Were you married to her when she passed? Did you know her for your lifetime? Children together? Plus I'm left wondering how you feel other than lonely and that you miss her. Which go hand-in-hand anyway.
I think it's def worth working on, and I'm not bashing it in the slightest. And I understand this is a fiction based thing for you personally. I'd ask around to some friends at home that've had a loss and find out how they feel, cause for me I still feel the same years later as I did with the initial impact of the loss.
Rock on, man.

Tony,

I thought this was a very pretty song, I honestly didn't see anything wrong with it. It's simple, but I didn't think that was a problem because it sounds good.

Dottie

Hi Tony,

I did not have a chiche problem.
and I thought this part was quite nice...

Now in loneliness I stand
For I’ve lost part of who I am


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Great song for all of those who have had the heavens take away someone so precious to them, and had to live with the decision made by a higher power to leave them seperated. Great Job...Tony.~~~MFB III

Kevin, everything has a place, so yes someone might relate,
thanks for your comments.

Coalminer, from the top I said this was a general thing, I'm not
sure i could really capture the personal feelings of someone
else, it's a little upbeat for the same reason, someone is in
heaven, there is sadness for that loss but they are in better
place, well that was the idea, appreciate your comments,

Dottie, glad you liked it, thanks for saying so and for giving
it a spin.

Calvin, thanks for taking the time to listen and comment.

MFB |||, that's what I was aiming for, thanks for commenting,
appreciate it,

Tony.

Tony,

I like this one alot and enjoyed it ...thanks for giving the chance to hear it...glyn

TONY--

THE BEAUTY BEHIND YOUR SONG, INSPIRED MY TAKE: (CAPS)--
JMHO--USE OR LOSE ANY, IF YOU NEED TO--



YOU’RE HEAVEN’S TREASURE

You filled UP my life
Brought me happiness
AND graced this world
As if heaven sent
I remember good times
HAPPY DAYS we spent
I never thought OUR
BLISS.. would end

Now I’M LEFT ALONE
Part of ME’ IS GONE
WITH ANGELS FOREVER
YOU’RE heaven’s TREASURE

LIKE A PERFECT FLAME
You WERE EVERTHING
You were ALWAYS THERE
When I was in need
CARESSING AND CARING
ALL LOVE SHOULD BE
I miss ALL OF you
BUT NOW YOU’RE FREE.

Now I’M LEFT ALONE
Part of ME’ IS GONE
WITH ANGELS FORever
YOU’RE heaven’s TREASURE

BEAUTY in every way
Heaven TOOK YOU AWAY
I miss you everyday

Now I’M LEFT ALONE
Part of ME’ IS GONE
WITH ANGELS FORever
YOU’RE heaven’s TREASURE

Words/Music by Tony Atkinson ©


Mackie