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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 10:08 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 12:41 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/22/24 10:39 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/22/24 11:04 AM
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by Rob B. - 04/21/24 08:40 PM
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vs Picture us in a perfect world With our own perfect little girl In a house we built with our own hands On a prime piece of private land vs Until then we're stuck with what we got Which as of now is exactly squat A crumby job earning minimum wage One step away from being a goddam slave Chorus: But this great land gave us a start It's education made me smart Though its culture tore our family apart It will always have a place in my heart It will always have a place in my heart vs Soon she hooked on to the drug scene Smoking crack and drinking fake Jim Beam I worked two jobs to keep us in a place A lousy flat but still it kept us safe vs Climbed my way up the corporate ladder Watched the fat cats, getting fatter Lost my scruples somewhere along the way I may retrieve them on another day p/c Slowly I achieved our dreams Except for our little girl She was trapped inside a scream Hidden away from the world Chorus: Now this great land where we belong Salute the flag sing with pride its song Every one of you played a part And you'll always have a place in my heart Yes you'll always have a place in my heart You will always have a place in my heart
Last edited by joewatt; 08/11/14 07:18 AM.
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Hi Joe, I like the title and story you have here. Very nice start! I would like to point out a few thing I noticed though. Hopefully this will be somewhat useful. I've ran into a few meter problems I just couldn't get pass, with different melodies I tried. Really need to focus on line for line metering here. You may try to write all of your first lines to each verse down, so you can compare them all to each other. Remember the syllable count, and syllable stresses need to be close enough for a singer to use the exact same melody for all of those line 1s. It doesn't need to be perfect, but the closer the better in most cases. You can also do this with the other lines in the verses. Your line 2s do not have to match your other lines, but all line 2s should meter the same as each other also. I sincerely hope I'm not being confusing. Moving on I'm not sure the use of "goddam" in line 4 of verse 2 helps you at all. First it throws the meter badly, second it really hits hard, considering the heart felt hook. Seems a bit out of place. If you just remove that word and don't replace it with anything, your meter really improves there. On your chorus you may want to try and change up the rhyme scheme, and sentence length some. It's very close to the verses in that aspect, and you want your chorus to stand out. I just posted up a lyric the other day, and someone called me out on the use of "Jim or Jack", saying they were overused. I went ahead and changed that in my lyric, so thought I would point it out. I want to tell you that I really like this story, and the more I read it the more I like it. You have some absolutely great lines, that I love. You have quite a talent my friend! Very nice! David
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Joe, You're not afraid to tell it like it is. I laughed when I saw the "gd word." lol
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Hey David I don't really pay a lot of attention to stuff like metre or the ab, ba thing. I have a melody for this and it works fine, I just need to adjust the vocal phrasing a little.
As for the goddamn thing sometimes I just write the way people talk(which works for some songs) I used Jim Beam cause it rhymes(originally I had windowlene). Thanks for the talent comment by the way.
Cheers Joe
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Hey Jim If it's a story song I try to write as true as I can within the confines of the melody.
Cheers Joe
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Hi Joe, if it works for you as is then so be it. Mine were just a few observations. Have fun with it! David
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Joe, good story. I like it. Takes a long time getting to the hook but that may not matter.
Have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Hey David Keep posting your comments it's always nice to hear an opinion.
Cheers Joe
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Hey John I suppose it does take awhile but the verse has the strongest melody.
Cheers Joe
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