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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 03:22 PM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 12:36 PM
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Behind These Bars (The Poinsett County Jail) ============================================ [VERSE 1] I never thought I'd ever be this far away; twenty minutes might as well be twenty days. All day long, I sit here, and I think of you; but, honewstly, there ain't much more that I can do. Oh, one more empty night inside this lonely cell, behind these bars at the Poinsett County jail.
[VERSE 2] Fifteen minutes, Saturdays, is bittersweet, to watch you through the plate glass, as you talk to me. Every other moment, I can see your smile, when I close my eyes and try to rest awhile. Oh, one more empty night inside this lonely cell, behind these bars at the Poinsett County jail.
[CHORUS] Pray for me, God will give me strength. And stay with me, whenever I'm asleep. Oh, one more empty night inside this lonely cell, behind these bars at the Poinsett County jail.
[VERSE 3] Someday soon, I'll be so very far from here; when I look back, I'll never shed a single tear. The minutes tick so slowly, 'til they let me go, release me from this prison deep inside my soul. Oh, one more empty night inside this lonely cell, behind these bars at the Poinsett County jail.
[CHORUS] Pray for me, God will give me strength. And stay with me, whenever I'm asleep. Oh, one more empty night inside this lonely cell, behind these bars at the Poinsett County jail.
Got one more empty night inside this lonely cell, behind these bars at the Poinsett County jail.
Rick Maines
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Hi Rick,
Very powerful -- you really slowed time to a crawl here!
I thought that this line in Verse 3 stands out as something different and maybe, musically, it should be treated differently -- as a bridge or the ending or something?
release me from this prison deep inside my soul
The rest of the song talks about his physical imprisonment, but that line contrasts it with his mental imprisonment. It just seemed to stand out for me!
Lisa
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Thanks, Lisa. I appreciate the read. That last verse was supposed to be a little surreal, like a dream. He's seeking freedom, on many levels. Unfortunately, this wqas built from experience. I recently was falsely incarcerated. I only spent a total of 11 days in jail. I was held, for extradition, for 10 days, at the Poinsett County jail, in Arkansas. Even though I was only being held, I was housed with the general population, with murderers and rapists and drug felons. In the end, though, it was actually a positive experience, and I made a couple of friends. I nearly died there, but at the hands of the guards, who allowed my blood sugar to bottom out one night. I'm diabetic, but they didn't see the need to allow me to treat my condition correctly. My glucose level dropped to 26 and I passed out.
Rick Maines
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Oh wow, Rick! I'm sorry to hear about your terrible experience!! Your words do drip off the page with authenticity -- now i know why! Lisa
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I pretty much write from experience. I wish I was good enough to write fiction. For that reason, most of my songs are tragic. Thanks for helping me grow.
Rick Maines
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Hi Rick,
nice to meet ya. Wow, this is pretty good. I really enjoyed the read. Tightly written, so I don't see much I'd really change there. The couple of things that caught my attention have to do with structure, and the story line a bit.
Always looking for improvements, have you ever thought about a bridge somewhere, where the singer let's us know he is in there unjustly? It may help the listener to better empathize with the singer. If you don't want the bridge, you may want to try and work this into your story early. May be better anyway.
The other thing that just felt a little odd, was the hook refrain at the end of the chorus. If you just remove those last two lines and use only the first four, I think it sounds worlds better, and helps keep the refrain stronger in the verses.
Just my 2 cent so keep or sweep. Anyway it's a pleasurable read, that I thoroughly enjoyed.
David
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I can't imagine being in jail. Life is hard enough being a free man.
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Thanks for the words, David. That helps. I had considered removing the last two lines of the chorus. It sings okay, with my tune, but works perfectly without it. The only reason I left those lines was because they seemed to tie the verses better to the chorus.
Jim, being in jail wasn't pleasant, but I found several silver linings. I made friends, of a couple of inmates, and of a couple of guards. Gotta try to find the positives in every situation. Anyway, I have reconnected with several old co-workers, who have agreed to testify on my behalf. The case will either be dropped, or I may sue my accuser.
Rick Maines
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Rick, A good story. The song that is. IMO; for your consideration: Fifteen minutes, Saturdays, is bittersweet, to watch you through the plate glass, as you talk to me. Every other moment, I can see your smile, when I close my eyes and try to rest awhile."Watch" I think could be stronger with "want" or "touch" or {?} instead. "Every other moment" could be on-off-on-off. Maybe saying it some other way that means all the other times. The chorus could use a little clearing up. Pray for me, God will give me strength. And stay with me,You probably mean pray for God to give you strength or something similar. Someday soon, I'll be so very far from here; when I look back, I'll never shed a single tear. The minutes tick so slowly, 'til they let me go,-It sounds like looking back, you'll be glad it's over. The 2nd line isn't really worthy of bringing up because it should be obvious. Maybe use another line? -Finally, the 1st two lines are looking forward, followed by the present in the next two. Maybe the 3rd line could start with "'Til then"...? Dave
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Dave ... Very good points. Especially in the 3rd verse. I'll take a look. Thanks.
Rick Maines
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Hey, Rick, very interesting setting for your lyric. Wonder if you could use a little plot progression from verse to verse. What if it was "One more year" then "One more night" and then "The minutes tick so slowly, but they'll never let me go," like our subject is looking forward to a day that never will come. Just a thought!
73's & 88's Good Buddy! Chris Bohlman
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Hey, Chris. Thanks for reading. Good suggestion. I'll work on that. Thanks again.
Rick Maines
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This is good stuff in my opinion. The feeling comes out well, and having spent a little time in the pokey when I was younger and dumber, it's very relatable. I don't have to much to offer on changes, I'd be afraid of lessening the punch it gives. Nice lyric
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Thanks for the comments, Mr. Tanner. I appreciate any reads any any comments.
Rick Maines
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Hi Again, Rick, There's a story in the news now about a man with diabetes who lost all five of his toes while in prison for a couple of weeks, because they refused to get him help. He got gangrene, was begging for help, his feet were rotting away...horrible story. It made me think of your story! http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_26524315/man-sues-after-losing-five-toes-arapahoe-countyLisa
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Thanks, Lisa. Jails are just not organized enough, nor do they have the staff, to manage those types of things. My medicine was skipped several times, because the guard wasn't comfortable drawing my insulin. I could have done it myself, but inmates weren't allowed access to needles. We're working to make sure I don't lose another toe, but that battle may already be lost. I visit the Wound Care Clinic again next week. I'm told to expect to be transported to the hospital for a long stay. My last stay was 9 days, and was treated with heavy antibiotics. Before that, my stay was another 9 days, but ended with the removal of a toe and some of my foot.
Rick Maines
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I'm so sorry to hear about that, Rick! I'll be wishing for the best for you! Take care, Lisa
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Don't get me wrong. Things could be worse for me. If I lose another toes, or more, I'll still consider myself lucky. I've had moments that were dire. My blood sugar has bottomed a few times in the past. One night, while in jail, it bottomed below 30 and I apparently passed out. I remember every other inmate, in my cell block, banging and rattling their cell bars, just to get the attention of the guards. That was support. And they wished me well as I was removed fro the cell block by emergency personnel. God has blessed me with those moments, over and over.
Rick Maines
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