JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 2 *Father Son and Friend*

Rough draft, it didn't go where I thought it would go and lost the message. Any help appreciated.

* Father Son and Friend*

I Grew up in a small town
Where everybody knows your name
Small talk at the barber shop
A bike ride for a soda pop
Curly’s at the corner of third and main

When I thought I was old enough
I had to see what was what
About a rundown joint
Where Uncle Bob used to play
Why dad kept saying son stay out of that place

So here it is… its five to ten
I’m listening to the band soaking it in
I swear this bar stool’s my best friend

Wishing I could go back in time
Walk right on past Curly’s sign
I know I could’ve been............

A better father son and friend

Look who’s sitting over there
Looks like me when I had hair
Family traditions are hard to break
At least the bad ones anyways
Why I kept saying son stay out of that place

So here it is… its five to ten
I’m listening to the band soaking it in
I swear this bar stool’s my best friend

Wishing I could go back in time
Walk right on past Curly’s sign
I know I could’ve been...........

A better father son and friend

I know there’s still time
Last call for the last time
I’ll sure miss my best friend
I gave that stool one last spin

So here it is… its five to ten
Playing with my grandkids………

A father son and friend
Cbf 2023

Look who just walked in here
Looks like me when I had hair
Some moments define a man
Left that barstool in a spin
Grabbed my son and got the hell outa' there

Not bad I may use that!

Philosophical Songs usually fail to appeal to me. I think they have to use a lot of words to give the Song-Writer what he/she wants, and become as much prose as poetry.

Simplify. Perhaps you can say more by saying less. If you can paint the scenes, set the properties on the stage, let the actors* act out the action verbs, more succinctly, you may be able to convey the essence of the Storyline, without having to explain as much. *Line 1 opens without an actor; 'Grew up'. Who grew up? The pronoun I puts an actor on the stage, to act the verb, 'grew'.

Your Verse I Rhyme-Scheme, town-name-shop-pop-main A-B-C-C-B, I would expect to Repeat in Verse II. It doesn't have to, but could, and might have more Hook Factor, if it did. We get busy telling the story and lose the Structural possibilities. It may work as is. What 'works' is in the ear of the listener.

The missing pronoun, the missing actor to do the action of the verb, 'Wishing', occurs again. If you add the pronoun, "I wish..." the action and the actor seem more visual to me. I think I'd be more inclined, in conversation, to say, "I wish..." than "Wishing..."

Keep exploring. The lonely old horn dog in me isn't as intrigued by what the Singer-Character's failure as a Father has been, or as the Son, but truly intrigued by who the Friend was. You don't get to be a Father, or have a Son, although he is the Son of his Mother, who, for his failings, might be of concern, a story unto itself, but would be a truly tragic, ergo negative-to-experience as a listener, unalterable turn in the storyline; however, the Friend, the woman, the one who 'got away' from him. Now her, I could listen to that 'negative' Storyline. Love makes the world go 'round, and when love stops, the world stops. We go on, sit in Curly's, because we no longer have any power, we perceive, to start the world spinning again, no desire to seek someone new to spin the world with.

Spin his world, this Father, Son and Friend. Let him come through this time in his life, with strength and out the other side of tragedy, with hope.

You'd have to do it simply, succinctly, with as few words as possible, make it work with clarity, and Melody.

Thanks for the input Gary I'm printing the comments from here and other sites and putting them together with the original lyrics to go through at a later time. The paperwork is piling up!