JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 2 A Father's Tears- rewrite

I try not to critique personal songs. We're all too close to them and don't see them as they are. That's what happened to me here. This song is very loosely based on my daughter's wedding night, and really affected me when I wrote it. I thought it was terrific and I'd get great reviews of it. But I didn't and people were asking the same questions, which to me were the wrong questions. So I took a harder look at it. The old second verse had some real good country visuals, but it told the wrong story. Kaley told me to dig deeper. At 3AM, my subconscious did that, and here's the result. It may not be great, but at least I think it now says what it should have. Thanks

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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

[This message has been edited by lijemtu (edited 02-10-2004).]

[This message has been edited by lijemtu (edited 02-11-2004).]

[This message has been edited by lijemtu (edited 08-21-2006).]

Hi Bill,

I like this a lot and think you've expressed yourself well. Especially like the way you wrapped it up in the last chorus.

Good job and even though it's personal, I'm sure many dads can relate.

Ohhhhhhhhh, now I really need a kleenex. Please don't tell a soul how I am.

Thanks, Ann. I appreciate you taking the time. Glad you liked it

Bill

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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

Hi Bill....

love that second favorite man. ..

am thinking ..that the first verse......3rd line..might have even more impact....if...
was....THIS MOMENT?...somehow....rework that line?.......cause all of sudden.....
there she is....20 years...and now it's this moment.......

just a thought...Hope you get other thoughts....

by the way.. ..on a lighter..note,
my texas song....AIN't personal..just in case ya wondered..

best.......
kk

My eyes are wet and that, in my opinion, is something well written and presented. Writing should evoke emotion. And just to say, as long as there's a breath good memories can be made.
Have a nice day!

Tricia, will some toilet paper do?

Bill

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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

Yo Bill

what's with all these cry babies, nice job, good fix, without over doing it, no easy trick!!!!!

hi mel, welcome to jpf, and we kid some~~~

Hey Kaley,

Thanks for the read and the suggestion. I thought it was a good idea and made the change. Also, thanks for the "dig deeper" comment on the original-hopefully this came out better. I like it more. I'm trying to figure out if your Texas song was personal which character would be you

Bill

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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

Kidding is no problem for me. Never mind me though, I cried when the mule on Gunsmoke died.

I used to cry over episode of Little House. No, I need Puffs. My nose is special. I adore this one. I keep reading it and re-reading it and I can't find a nit to pick. No pun intended.

I'll even go one better. I'll help you pitch it when it's done. You don't even to buy me Puffs.

Hey Ritt,

Thanks. And I hope it's clear that you're the one picking on these nice ladies. I would never do something like that

Bill

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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

Very nice Bill. I like critiquing the close to ones, because they are in fact that, and often it shows to good effect.
If I would look at changing anything in this, it would be the Kodak. To flip for this one I think. Casual.
Nice Bill.
Graham

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http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/grahamhendersonmusic.htm

Bill,

This very nice. Kinda takes me back to the feelings I had when my daughter got married.

Got nothin' at all against personal songs, especially when they're delivered with this kind of honesty and sincerity.

Larry

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www.taylormadesongs.com

Hey Graham,

Thanks for the read and comments. BTW, weren't you the same guy who told Simon and Garfunkle to drop the Kodak reference Looking for a product placement here- can't a guy try to make a buck?

Bill

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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

Hey Larry,

Thanks for taking a look. My daughter and I were at odds until she was about 15, from then on we became much closer. She acutally got married 2 years ago at 24. They've talked about moving out of state in a few years, and driving home from the wedding I thougth about that and, shhh, don't tell anyone, started to cry a bit in the car. That's where this lyric came from. Some truth, some fantasy.

Bill

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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

Late to the game, here, Bill. Just thought I would add that your line,

"And she gave her second favorite man a hug"

moistened my eyes.

And I don't even have a daughter.

- Linc

No not me Bill. Didn't even know that had a line with Kodak in it in any of theirs.
My thought based on logic, is Kodak moments last forever, being captured on film.
The line says the opposite, and so I would look at it.
Particularly if you wanna grease up to the company to any avail.
Graham



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http://www.soundclick.com/bands/2/grahamhendersonmusic.htm

Well, thanks Linc. See if Tricia has a Kleenex left

Bill

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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

Hey Graham,

Screw the company, who cares? S&G had a terrific song called "Kodachrome". See if you can find it somewhere, it's worth a listen. I meant to say that these times in one's life come and go. The pictures are nice, but what's important is being part of the picture. And this guy would have been the one taking it. That was his regret. And that the future might be nothing but the pictures.

Bill



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We too often throw around the word "great" like it was a frisbee, instead of the manhole cover it should be.

Bump