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Florida
by bennash - 06/07/26 09:34 PM
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,985
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,985 |
Aaron,
I am enjoying your journey. I cheer you on! You're already good - I predict you are headed for great..
I like that you are doing the lyric videos - nothing against "seeing you singing", but this makes a lot more sense towards your goal...
Your productions are sounding fine to carry the song and get them across. I would suggest that you keep them simple and "perfect" that type of sound - drums, bass, simple guitar - (like the TOTALLY amazing sound that mac produces with a minimum of instruments...) - and keep concentrating on the writing - don't get distracted by fancy productions.. you can have that be your next journey...
A couple of "songwriting suggestions" - ignore them if you choose..
There are a number of places where you could eliminate little things that make big improvements on "how the song SINGS" and how it "falls on your listener's ear"....
Right off the bat.. "All the snow, it finally cleared" ...the "it" is one of those "little things". "All the snow... finally cleared" ..sings more (allows the singer to hold the note on 'snow' - to let it sing)
"I'd love to forget this past winter" ..has a lot of staccato syllables to it that make it a "little bumpy" on the ear. Try something like "It's been a hard winter" (drawing out 'hard') That describes the winter - and your listener will imply that you would like to get past it... -- I'm not trying to re-write your song - merely suggesting you look at how a song "sings" and "lands on the ear"...
Your chorus sings really well. But the line "We might get a scar that forever lasts" is another type of "bump". It's that "poetry thing" that doesn't work well in a song - putting words in an "unnatural" order for the sake of a rhyme. If you were to actually SAY that to someone, I doubt that you would ever say it in that order. You would say "We might get a scar that lasts forever." It's like writing "the door I did close" instead of "I closed the door" because you had to rhyme with "nose"... (no suggestion for a replacement) Every line of a song should sound like it came from a casual conversation. Something that you would ACTUALLY say....
There is nothing wrong with "In a letter that was charred In a fireplace of their home" But you can do without 'that was' "in a letter...charred...in a fireplace of their home" (then you can really 'sing' let-ter chaaaared'..)
little things. "But only for a little while" --> "But only for a while" same thing... but sings better...
Like I said, ignore this if you choose. But these type of "little things" are what separate songwriters...
I look forward to your posts.
floyd
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