Wow Bobbie,

Thank you for taking so much time and putting so much thought into this. I certainly will consider some of your suggestions but I must admit that I enjoyed the challenge of a difficult rhyme twice in the same song.

Others have also suggested that I move the word "girl" to a different spot but I tried a lot of different things and nothing sang or read better to me than to leave the "girls" where they were. I think using "world" and "curls" in the context of the re-write has it going in the right direction but that doesn't mean I won't spend a little more time looking this over.

I've known for a long time that the concept was solid. Like you said, I just need to make it shine.

I will probably leave the Chorus and Bridge alone since the NSAI evaluator really liked both. That's not to belittle your contribution in any way but I figure if I can give him what he wants, based on his review, he might just forward this on to one of the NSAI "pitch to publisher" nights. The best part about it is if he doesn't like whatever new verses I come up with, I'll get a chance to redo them again without hurting my standing in any way - as opposed to meeting face-to-face with a publisher who might not give me a second chance, let alone a third or fourth.

Anyway, thank you again for taking the time to respond. I'm going to try to repay the favor and review some of the other lyrics here over the weekend. Have a good one.

Van

Van Borden
a.k.a. Buzz Grudge